Ok it is really getting crazy out there.  By now I’m sure you’re heard about Deputy Paul Schene beating the daylights out of 15 year old Malika Calhoun because she was being “lippy.” It’s graphic.

And then I was lurking over at PostBougie, and see that 2 NYPD officers are charged with raping an intoxicated woman.  What in the world is going on with the police? These are the people who are supposed to protect us and they are beating and raping us?  I’m just beyond frustrated.  Jeez, what a young woman to do in the 09? Thoughts ladies?

peace,
e.

Hi folks! I had…uhhhh…an extended summer vacation of sorts, but now I’m back to answer questions and give you observations and perceptions of a married woman on how to best navigate this maze called “the dating scene.”

That said, I’ve been struck by certain things I’ve noticed this summer- namely women who claim to be single by choice, but are really single by circumstances of their own making.

I attribute this new phenomenon to women refusing to “date within their means.” We’re always taught as children to dream big because we’re told “you can be anything you want to be.” We quickly learn that this is piece of information is filled with caveats- in order to really exercise the options to be anything you want to be, you must make the grades, have the requisite extracurricular activities and truly apply yourself to be competitive. This also applies to dating.

Now, allow me to clarify that I’m not saying that there’s a dating caste system that some people are held to. However, I am saying that perhaps we need to reevaluate our standards. This is the typical wish list of most black women (including my friends): “I want a hedge fund manager with a BA from Yale, an MBA from Harvard, he’s 6’3,” with a swimmer’s body, and looks like Morris Chestnut.”

So what is the problem, you ask? Well, a lot of women requesting this exhaustive list have a college degree from Podunk State, no advanced degree, stands 5’3” in stature and doesn’t work out, and works an entry level marketing job. Simply put, if you live at home with your mom (and not to save money for a home of your own, but to spend all your money on clothes and ill-fitting shoes), have a B.A., no advanced degree, average to moderately good looking, yes you may have a chance at landing an i-banker or entertainment executive of your dreams…for the time being (which from my observations is about 2 years, tops). However, you will probably have an issue keeping him. Why? Well, you don’t have much in common and probably socialize in different circles, for starters.

You can’t ask for what YOU do not have. How dare you ask someone to come to the table with something you not only do not have, but in some instances will NEVER even have access to? That’s unrealistic, and I think is a reason why women of all calibers (dimes, nickels, pennies- yes pennies need love too) end up alone. We apply the notion of “being/having anything we want to be/have” to dating, and the competition is not comparable. There is always someone prettier, more accomplished, smarter, better connected, more physically fit, etc.

So all of this to say…while I encourage and support my sisters to “aim high,” “dream big,” and all those other aspirational sayings your mother’s whispered in your ears, I am more inclined to tell you to be realistic as well. Consider this- if you expect all of these things from a man, what do you think he expects from you? Think about it.

Date responsibly.

Bari

The other night, I went to see “Sex and the City” for the second time. After the movie, I got to thinking about the nature of female relationships. On the one hand, my women friends are some of the most supportive I have. I would not be who I am without them. On the other hand, we women (in general) can do some really underhanded things to each other. We gossip, cut each other down, and/or feel threatened by the “pretty one,” the “smart one,” or the “thin one,” I don’t entirely know why we do these things. But my theory is that all of it is learned behavior. We’ve been taught to be divisive. Just imagine how powerful we would be if we were united in appreciating each other for what we are. In order to achieve that unity, we need a statement, a declaration of sorts, to guide us. Here is my effort at outlining one—feel free to add your own tenets!

We will not break plans with each other for a significant other.
I’ve been on both sides of this one. I know how it feels to be so excited about someone new and want to spend time with him. I also know how it feels to be jilted by a friend who would rather be with her boyfriend. (Sorry to be hetero-normative, but I’m writing from my own experience here). The latter is no fun—it causes resentment and can end friendships (really). Most of us would like to avoid both outcomes, right? So when we say we’re going to do something, we should follow through, and try not to break plans with friends in favor of a significant other. In most cases, friends are around longer.

We will forgive each other.
Maybe the friendship to which I am referring above might not have ended if I had been better at forgiving. That’s something to think about.

We will not talk about each other negatively behind our backs.
I suppose this is life advice, not just wisdom for relationships with women. But it seems that we women are experts at being two-faced. We learned it from somewhere (and I’m going out on a limb here)–probably from the system of patriarchy that dominates our society and can’t handle the idea of women as a unified front. So we are taught to take each other down rather than lifting each other up. Every time we speak ill of each other, we’re contributing to the system in a small way. So why not try to stop, and with that, erode the system a little?

We will speak up when we see each other being treated unfairly.
This one is also about supporting each other. In a lot of ways, it follows logically from committing to stop talking negatively about each other. First we stop the negative words and then we stop the silence. Or perhaps we try to do both simultaneously. Patriarchy and other forms of oppression thrive on silence, which brings me to the next premise…

We will strive to understand how the many systems of oppression in our society are intertwined and strive to dismantle them.
We cannot talk about sexism without also speaking about racism, homophobia, ageism, and a host of other ‘–isms’. In order to undo the patriarchal system that thrives on women taking each other down, we must also understand how all of the ‘–isms’ hold up certain groups over others. We can learn from and join efforts to fight other forms of oppression. Even by committing to this code (or to your own) we can make a change that is larger than each of us.

So there it is: the girl code. Is it possible to live this way? I like to think so, especially if I have a whole group of wonderful women (and men) friends holding me accountable.

-Moira

Last week I attended the National Partnership for Community Leadership‘s 10th Annual International Fatherhood Conference in Washington, DC. It was quite an experience, especially since my boss is considered the father of the fatherhood movement. His popularity made the conference a little overwhelming.  None the less, between the conference, father’s day and Obama’s remarks on Black fathers, my head has been spinning for past week.

At some point in most (Black and White) children’s lives, they will grow up in a household without a father.  And we already know that children without fathers are at risk for a whole host of social, academic and emotional problems. I know for a fact that are many SASSY Women reading this know who have beaten the odds and are highly educated, successful and stable.  However we all know people who didn’t or couldn’t deal with their father’s absence as well as some of us could.  Growing up without my dad around for a significant portion of my childhood and adolescence and having a lot of friends who grew up without their fathers, I am very aware of the hurt and damage that can result from a dad’s absence.  However, attending the conference got me to thinking about this from the father’s point of view.

We’ve heard the stories of the dead beat dads, but rarely hear about the dead broke dads – fathers who literally cannot afford the child support payments but who do want to be there for their children.  Or what about fathers who do not see their children because of a poor relationship with the child’s mother?  Or fathers who know that perhaps their children’s lives will be better because they are not in – for mental health problems or chemical dependency.  There are a myriad of reasons why fathers are absent and perhaps it is unfair to lump all absent fathers into one category.

I’m not saying take all absent fathers off the hook, I’m just saying give it a little more thought before you start throwing “baby daddies” and “sperm donors” under the bus.

peace,
e.

So what are your thoughts?  Share them here or on our discussion board.

We all know Robin Givens as the beautiful actress who has appeared on The Cosby Show, Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, in Boomerang, and the Off-Broadway production of The Vagina Monologues, just to name a few, but in her book Grace Will Lead Me Home, we are introduced to a young and naïve Robin Givens who falls victim to an abusive marriage to boxing champ Mike Tyson.

Givens guides us through her family tree and reveals the curse of domestic abuse that trickled down through the generations, from her grandmother and mother’s battle to her very own fight. Retelling stories that must have passed from generation to generation, Givens vividly depicts events that occurred before she was even born. She recounts her foremothers’ strength for leaving their abusive lovers with admiration and utter respect. As we are introduced to young Robin, amidst the nostalgic childhood memories she recreates with stories of her family, we witness the recurring cycle of an unfulfilling relationship with a father and the false fulfillment of a dysfunctional relationship.

Givens describes her early days with Michael (as she calls him) with the blissful innocence they shared as a young couple. But the tale quickly turns to terror. With the first blow, your heart stops with shock, and with every blow thereafter, your heart sinks as you imagine the heavyweight champion fighting an unfair fight with his petite and unsuspecting opponent. With each page, you feel anxious and dread for what is to come but you also feel a growing discomfort at the familiarity of her deep-seated desire to just enjoy what you know is not completely right. As she walks us through the roller coaster of her relationship, she elegantly constructs the story to convey the competing danger and innocence of each moment she and Michael spent together.

The moments get progressively worse to the point where she goes numb, and we lose Robin, and it is as if someone else is writing the story for her. Through her story, Givens allows us an outside perspective that one cannot see when lost in the situation. We can see, through a spectator’s perspective, how foolish thoughts and choices can be when clouded by the bliss.

We are witness to Givens reliving some of her lowest points in her life, but we also witness her beautiful restoration, in which she finds her spirit strengthened. While it may be difficult to read at times, Robin Givens shares a victory that will undoubtedly help another young woman conquer an abusive relationship.

Domestic abuse remains a very serious issue, and it is important that we educate ourselves on the matter and prevent it in any way we can. According to helpguide.org domestic abuse “occurs when one person in an intimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the other person [sometimes using] fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and gain complete power over you.”

The National Domestic Violence Hotline website shares several statistics:

• 1 out of 3 women around the world has been beaten, coerced into sex or otherwise abused during her lifetime.[1]
• 1 in 5 female high school students reports being physically and/or sexually abused by a dating partner. Abused girls are significantly more likely to get involved in other risky behaviors. They are 4 to 6 times more likely to get pregnant and 8 to 9 times more likely to have tried to commit suicide.[2]

• According to the CDC Adverse Health Conditions and Health Risk Behaviors Associated with Intimate Partner Violence – United States 2005, each year, IPV results in an estimated 1,200 deaths and 2 million injuries among women…

Be aware of the warning signs.

Bottom line: I’m not implying that all unhappy situations will result in domestic abuse, but if you are unhappy, you need to reevaluate the relationship. Trust your gut.

There are ample resources for information and support:

helpguide.org; endabuse.org; National Domestic Violence Hotline (800.799.7233)

At the end of each week, we thought it’d be cool to share some most informative, crazy, funny and useful articles, blogs and videos.

U.S. Imprisons One in 100 Adults, Report Finds

Check out Amy Dubois (author of March’s book club book Get Yours) on March 27th.

Glamour magazine on Women, Race and Beauty

Stuff Educated Black People Like – we’ve been giggling all week

Shirley Chisholm is NOT to be forgotten now or ever

Did something catch your eye? Did we miss something big? If so, shoot us an email and tell us what you want to see.

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