How embarrassing to say we’re coming back in January and then not actually post until July.  But we’re back, for real this time.

When I started SASSY back in 2008, I was looking to fill a void in the blogosphere.  Back then I didn’t feel like any site in particular related to where I was and in typical Eva fashion, when I couldn’t find it, I made it.  I got a bunch of friends together and we started SASSY and it was great.

Fast forward about two years later and about half of the original writers had left SASSY to write their own blogs.  In addition to that, there were many new blogs out there.  One for everyone, every identity.  And I was in my PhD program struggling to keep up with SASSY, school, my personal blog (which also went silent) and just life in general.  When SASSY ended, I wasn’t particularly happy it was over, but I felt comfortable knowing our readers had other places to go to get information they need and, I thought, to continue the community we had created.

But lately when I read blogs, particularly blogs directed at  young Black women, I can’t help but the notice the snark.  And to be perfectly honest, it pisses me off.  There is so much snark, and in the worst places.  I see “relationship experts” “helping” young women with snark.  It’s disgusting.  “Advice columnists” snarking the hell out of what could have been good advice.  I don’t get it and I don’t like it.  And so I’m back to fill a gaping void – the no snark zone.  I believe that if your offer to help someone, you should do so graciously.  If you don’t want to be bothered don’t do it.

And so, we’re bringing SASSY back.  There will be some familiar voices and some new ones.  As always, we welcome you to write with us.  We thank you for your patience, continued love and support.

peace,
e.

I just wanted to drop a quick note and thank all you lovely SASSY women (and men!) for supporting us over the past two years.  We lost a little fire this year (and many writers) but we are still here.  In the next year, we are refocusing a bit and adding a few new awesome writers but we will still remain the spot for all you  smart, ambitious, sexy, sophisticated and young women.

You may have noticed a lot of the writers went off and started their own blogs – check out Bari at Vain, Christian Law at Fresher Than Chris, K Fresh at Damn Kam,  La Donna at her personal blog, Manny Fresh at The Benevolent Baron, Roxanne at her own blog and Tara at The Young Mommy Life.  The other writers are doing big things too: Leah finished her PhD and is now a professor at Wesleyan, Mo married Manny Fresh, Moira’s about to begin training for another marathon and Stacey became a licensed social worker.

I wanted to give a special should out to Lady D.  You really held me down this year and I sincerely appreciate it.  She is still running things over at Her Journey Magazine.

Thank you all so much,
e.

Can you believe it’s been one full year since I started SASSY?

SASSY was created for for smart, ambitious, sexy, sophisticated and young women.  Over the year, we’ve celebrated the election of our first Black President, dealt with relationship drama, discussed what it means to be Black in America (twice), talked about ways to excel in our careers,  reviewed books, restaurants and movies, dished on fashion, strategized ways to get (and keep) our finances together, ways to survive grad school and had girl talk. Be on the lookout for more from Team Love and Ask Bari.  Get ready for more financial and health advice.  We’ve also got some give-aways in the near future.

Stay connected to us on facebook (we’ve got a new fan page), myspace and twitter.  Rock some SASSY gear (on sale now).

I wanted to thank Allison, Althema, Anairo, Bari, Christian Law, K fresh, La Donna, Lady D, Leah, Manny Fresh, Megan, Mia, Mo, Moira, Quiana, Roxanne, Sara, Stacey and Tara for coming on this journey with me.  Thank you for reading!

peace,
e.

As this year comes to a close, we thought it necessary to highlight some of the big moments that 2008 brought:

1. Of course this post wouldn’t even be possible without the launch of SASSY. It is such a great idea and has definitely satisfied a need for us twenty-somethings. The Quarter Life Crisis, SASSY 101, Stop Stressing, Spice it Up, What Am I Going to do With My Life, Motivate Me, The SASSY Lady and Poverty Blog Action Day Post, and SASSY Self Care are among my favorite posts. Domestic Violence & Tyler Perry and CNN’s Black in America have certainly gotten the conversation started.

2. Sex and the City, The Dark Knight and Iron Man made a big splash in the box office.

3. Michael Phelps made a big splash and Usain Bolt left his footprint at the 2008 Summer Olympics in Beijing.

4. A hstory making election that drew record breaking numbers of voters…And of course the victory of President-Elect Barack that ignited a flame of hope around the world!

5. Kanye…enough said.

6. The loss of some greats: Bernie Mac, Isaac Hayes and Eartha Kitt

7. Can we say RECESSION?

What were you favorite posts (from any blog), movies, events, personal moments? Let’s celebrate 2008 by remembering the great things that happened this year. Let’s get excited about 2009. The possibilities are endless!

]]> http://sassywomenonline.com/blog/2008/12/30/2008-in-a-nutshell/feed/ 1 http://sassywomenonline.com/blog/2008/07/01/the-girl-code/ http://sassywomenonline.com/blog/2008/07/01/the-girl-code/#comments Wed, 02 Jul 2008 03:48:51 +0000 Moira http://www.sassywomenonline.com/blog/?p=72

The other night, I went to see “Sex and the City” for the second time. After the movie, I got to thinking about the nature of female relationships. On the one hand, my women friends are some of the most supportive I have. I would not be who I am without them. On the other hand, we women (in general) can do some really underhanded things to each other. We gossip, cut each other down, and/or feel threatened by the “pretty one,” the “smart one,” or the “thin one,” I don’t entirely know why we do these things. But my theory is that all of it is learned behavior. We’ve been taught to be divisive. Just imagine how powerful we would be if we were united in appreciating each other for what we are. In order to achieve that unity, we need a statement, a declaration of sorts, to guide us. Here is my effort at outlining one—feel free to add your own tenets!

We will not break plans with each other for a significant other.
I’ve been on both sides of this one. I know how it feels to be so excited about someone new and want to spend time with him. I also know how it feels to be jilted by a friend who would rather be with her boyfriend. (Sorry to be hetero-normative, but I’m writing from my own experience here). The latter is no fun—it causes resentment and can end friendships (really). Most of us would like to avoid both outcomes, right? So when we say we’re going to do something, we should follow through, and try not to break plans with friends in favor of a significant other. In most cases, friends are around longer.

We will forgive each other.
Maybe the friendship to which I am referring above might not have ended if I had been better at forgiving. That’s something to think about.

We will not talk about each other negatively behind our backs.
I suppose this is life advice, not just wisdom for relationships with women. But it seems that we women are experts at being two-faced. We learned it from somewhere (and I’m going out on a limb here)–probably from the system of patriarchy that dominates our society and can’t handle the idea of women as a unified front. So we are taught to take each other down rather than lifting each other up. Every time we speak ill of each other, we’re contributing to the system in a small way. So why not try to stop, and with that, erode the system a little?

We will speak up when we see each other being treated unfairly.
This one is also about supporting each other. In a lot of ways, it follows logically from committing to stop talking negatively about each other. First we stop the negative words and then we stop the silence. Or perhaps we try to do both simultaneously. Patriarchy and other forms of oppression thrive on silence, which brings me to the next premise…

We will strive to understand how the many systems of oppression in our society are intertwined and strive to dismantle them.
We cannot talk about sexism without also speaking about racism, homophobia, ageism, and a host of other ‘–isms’. In order to undo the patriarchal system that thrives on women taking each other down, we must also understand how all of the ‘–isms’ hold up certain groups over others. We can learn from and join efforts to fight other forms of oppression. Even by committing to this code (or to your own) we can make a change that is larger than each of us.

So there it is: the girl code. Is it possible to live this way? I like to think so, especially if I have a whole group of wonderful women (and men) friends holding me accountable.

-Moira

My SASSY sistas. I love ya’ll but one thing I’ve noticed about us (yes I’m including myself) is that we fight wrong. I mean really wrong. I didn’t notice how wrong it was until I saw it done right. I was chilling one night with my roomie and we were watching the Hills (don’t laugh). You may or may not know this, but they are always in an argument with someone. This episode was no different. Let me tell you what happened:

Girl one: We need to have lunch to talk this out.
Girl two: Ok
They hang up. The next day they go eat lunch, talk it out. They even hug at the end, and they mean it. And then they were cool. Like for real cool.

My roommate and I were dumbstruck. Did they really just patch it all up over Caesar salads and sparkling water? Yes. Were they cool for the rest of the season? Yes. I had never seen anything like this before and I knew that I needed this sort of conflict resolution in my life. So I set some rules for myself that I’d like to share with you. Without further ado, I present my six steps on how not to fight.

1. Don’t move.

Please don’t roll your neck, roll your eyes, snap your finger, poke or point. I know, I should have to say it, but I will. No matter how angry you get, do not raise your hands. Do not make a fist. Do not let your fist connect with her (or his) face. Just don’t. Besides the fact that you could get arrested, it’s just not SASSY or classy. And while I’m at it, don’t throw objects or break stuff. Just be still, talk slowly and calmly.

2. Don’t swear, name call or yell.

First all, it’s childish and second of all, the second a four letter word comes out your mouth, you’ve already defeated yourself. Sure you may want to drop the b-bomb for emphasis, but it takes your conversation to a new place. The person you are arguing with may become defensive or hurt and throw some insults your way. In the heat of the moment, you’re prone to say some things you may not mean. Not only is swearing and yelling unnecessary, but your adversary may actually begin to tune you out.

3. Check Yourself.

You caught your man cheating. Who are you mad at: your (soon to be ex) boyfriend or the girl? This may sound crazy, but your man did you wrong, be mad at him. Sure you can mad at the girl, but remember your man played a role in this too. Check yourself. Sometimes this is hard to do, it’s hard to admit you may be wrong or this is all your fault. If you have difficulty checking yourself, get some help from a trusted friend, or even a parent. But be careful what you ask for, you may find out more about yourself than you anticipated. Whatever the case, be real with yourself and figure out what role you played in this argument.

4. Get it out.

You need to vent? Vent. Call up your best friend, talk it out, say all the things you need to say, get it out your system. And then, stop. There’s no point in running all over town telling everyone, except the person you’re beefing with, why you’re mad. (And if you notice that everyone knows your business before you even get a chance to tell them, you may want to start venting elsewhere.) At any rate, get it out your system so you can (calmly) begin fixing the problem.

5. Apologize.

I know, easier said than done. If you are wrong, then admit it, and stop avoiding the inevitable. SASSY ladies, put your pride aside and say those magical words “I apologize.” There, doesn’t that feel better?

6. Get over it.

So you’ve gotten through the hard part, you expressed your side, you apologized or accepted an apology, and now this is the part where I know a lot of women (myself included) fail. Get over it. Let it go. This is something I truly envy about men. They can have an argument at work and then grab a beer after and be cool. Don’t hold onto your anger or sadness or whatever emotions you’ve been feeling about the argument.

Ok ladies, wish me luck. I wish you all nothing but the best.

peace,
e.

Here’s the thing. Being SASSY isn’t just a personality trait, but a way of life, a state of being. You don’t just become SASSY overnight, and it certainly doesn’t come and go like those monthly fits of rage or irritability, though many would confuse them with sassiness. There’s obviously more to it than shooting back razor-sharp wit or being a little more than pushy when trying to get what you want, and true SASSY women know how and when to turn it up a notch and when to hold it back. But for those of you who haven’t quite figured it out yet, or for those who find themselves in uncharted waters, I’ve compiled this little handy list of general ground rules for being SASSY. Consider it a sort of Sassy 101, if you will.

Now, I can’t tell you how to be SASSY. Sorry, girls, but if you have to ask… Well, you shouldn’t have to ask, which leads me to tip #1 – know who you are. Just as funny people know they’re funny, SASSY women know they’re SASSY and are proud of it. They don’t go around asking people if they think they’re SASSY, and certainly don’t reply to that question with, “well, my friends say I’m SASSY.” OWN IT. Sassiness and confidence go hand in hand; you can’t have one without the other, kind of like chocolate and espresso beans. This may sound ridiculous, but spend some time doing some serious self-exploration. Before you embark on your quest to being a SASSY goddess, ask yourself if you really consider yourself SASSY, or if you think you could ever become SASSY. If you answer yes, go for it. Careful, though – there is no halfway in SASSY; you either are or you aren’t.

Tip #2 – and this one is essential – don’t be a bitch. There’s a very fine line between being SASSY and just plain being a horrid bitch, and you definitely do not want to cross it. Of course, there are those certain situations when jumping the fence is necessary to get what you want, but you should really save it as a last resort. Burning bridges is never a good idea, especially if you’re new at this, and especially at work. Plus, SASSY women are admired and envied; bitches are just hated and gossiped about.

Speaking of work and crossing lines, don’t overstep boundaries (#3). I’ve been SASSY my whole life and I still manage to screw this one up. I get too comfortable with people too quickly and end up throwing out a sarcastic joke that gets mistaken as rudeness or contempt. Luckily it hasn’t cost me anything major, but it has gotten me reprimanded and caused more than a few awkward moments with new friends. It’s really all about perception. Sniff out your surroundings, assess the situation, and ask yourself – objectively – can you really throw around the sass here, right now? If you have even the smallest inkling of a doubt, keep it in your proverbial pants and wait until you feel it’s right. Come to think of it, this advice may be applicable to more than one section on this site.

However, don’t mistake this advice as permission to be timid. If you do, refer yourself back to the first tip and realize that telling you to be shy and hold back all the time wouldn’t fit in at all with being SASSY. Do take chances; when you honestly think something you’ll say or do will work out in your favor with minimal – and in the best circumstances, no – collateral damage, go for it. After all, no one ever got anywhere from staying in the box. Just don’t go so far out of the box that you have to leave a trail of breadcrumbs to find your way back.

Tip #4: Don’t overdo it. Now, I’m not talking about over-vamping the sassiness here. If you’re not a seasoned pro, trying to be SASSY can come off as annoying and completely artificial; but I’m not saying don’t try. Please try. Try hard. Just try to make it look like you’re not (I know this is extremely difficult, but trust me, it’s important). Otherwise you could end up looking like that one girl in high school that wanted desperately to be part of the in-crowd and ended up incorporating every horrible adolescent trend into her wardrobe and no one wanted to be seen with her. So, for your own sake, keep the platform jellies in the closet.

Lastly (#5), be on your game at all times. Barring the rare cold or flu or other ailment that impedes brain function, you should always be on the ball and ready, because you never know when an opportunity will present itself. This doesn’t just mean being awake and alert (and, let’s face it, keeping caffeinated), but also knowing your territory and being prepared. Keep up to date on a common topic of conversation wherever you work or frequently hang out and learn from previous experiences to try to predict your next opportunity. But moderation is key – just because you can say or do something doesn’t mean you should; that quality vs. quantity rule does apply, so pick your battles wisely and you will (hopefully) always come out victorious.

Remember, being SASSY doesn’t just happen. Being SASSY comes from within, and it takes a long time to work it out, smooth out the edges, and mold yourself into the woman you want to be. I can’t just tell you to be SASSY. You have to want it. You have to work at it. And, to some degree, you have to earn it. There is no plan, just your own successes and failures that map out your “development.” Just keep in mind that there is no one right path and that when all else fails, stay true to yourself, because in the end, that’s really all that matters anyways.

-Allison

A few months ago I was looking for a site. I wasn’t looking for anything in particular but for something that spoke to me – the recent grad school grad who is on her way to success but needs a little help getting there. I found sites for women that were already established, sites for mothers, sites for wives and sites for teens. Nothing just for me. I wanted to find something that would take my gender, race and age into consideration when it doled out advice. I wanted to find a space for women like me to work it out, share advice, sob stories, success stories, laughs and dreams.

I couldn’t find it, so I made it. So without further ado, I present SASSY.

So what is SASSY?

I’m glad you asked. This is a site for SASSY women. SASSY means smart, ambitious, sex, sophisticated and young. I want to create a community of like-minded women and help each other by providing advice on networking, finance, fashion, dating and all that is SASSY. I wanted to let other SASSY women shine – either by offering them a platform to showcase their writing ability or promoting their businesses and other endeavors. I wanted to inspire other SASSY women to take their dreams to the next level. And I wanted to create a space for us to come together. I wanted all these things and I knew I wasn’t alone. So I reached out to the many SASSY women in my life, and created this very special site.

Here, you will get dating advice and find steals and deals. Tips on how to handle personal crises and how to take your relationship to the next level. We have book reviews, music reviews, and restaurant reviews. Looking for a break down on current events and political happenings ? Look no further, we’ve got it. Need some help keeping it all together, we’ve got you. Wondering if it’s time to quit your job or are you looking for a mentor? We’ve got you. We will inspire you and teach you how to be (more) SASSY. In addition to the site, please join our facebook community. Here you can share your thoughts on our articles, interact with us, and join our book club. (This month’s book is Get Yours!: How to Have Everything You Ever Dreamed of and More by Amy Dubois Barnett).

Some people have begun to call SASSY a movement – I have to admit it wasn’t originally my intention. But when I think about, women support other women, instead of tearing them down, is something. Women of color supporting and promoting other women of color – now that is a movement! I just never understood why there was so much hate, when we are suppose to love each other. We are in the process of creating a new section called “Shining Stars,” which will profile SASSY women (read: you). As Kanye West said, “I’m a star, how could I not shine?” We agree, and are so excited to let you shine.

To the writers, thank you for sharing your creativity, knowledge and SASSY-ness. To the readers, thank you for coming and sharing this with us. Please get comfortable, mingle and have a good time with us. We’re glad you’re here.

peace,
e.