So back in November Essence ran an article titled “Date Like a White Girl.”   Long story short -after Melanie Sims’ boyfriend cheated on her, she decided dating like a white girl, meaning that she was going to be “footloose and free.”  According to Sims, when Black women date like every man is a potential husband.  Instead of looking for Mr. Right she starting settling for Mr. Right Now.

Now when I first read this I was on the defensive, thinking, we don’t date like that!  But, yeah some of us do.  Shoo, I do did.  I originally wrote this post in November and have been sitting on forever.  If we wanna keep it really real, I looked at basically every guy I like as a potential husband and that put pressure on everything.  I could go on tangent here and talk about all the external pressure we get to get married – especially since the media is making it out to seem like we have a better chance of flying on a unicorn over a rainbow than getting married, but I’ll save that for another day.  This is about the pressure we put on ourselves.  I wasn’t sure if I could separate these guys I was dating from the larger goal.  Poor guys, never had a chance.

This year I decided to do things differently.  After crashing and burning with two guys, I had to keep it really real with myself and admit I was doing it all wrong.  I had to consciously (and constantly) check myself with the next one.  So I did.  I went on a few dates without expectations – full disclosure: this might be because I wasn’t absolutely crazy about him.  I actually impressed myself, kept it really light, just let it be and enjoyed the moment.  For once, dating was actually fun. But now for the best part, it didn’t work out and I was fine with that.  It wasn’t a big deal, and that felt awesome.

So what say you SASSY ladies?  Do you currently date like a white girl?  Are you willing to give it a shot?

peace,
e.

Dear Bari,

What is the best way to break up with someone?  Well, let me explain.  I’ve been seeing this woman casually for about two months, and after four dates and non-regular phone calls, I realize I’m just not that interested.  I don’t want to be cliche, but I’m just not that into her.  What is the best way to let her down gently?

Single in Silicon Valley

Hey Single,

First of all, nice to hear from a guy again.  You’re only our second guy to write in.

Now, I think men tend to drag out breaking up with a woman, or in your case just telling her you don’t see this going any further since you aren’t in a relationship, to avoid hurting her.  I understand.  You often think your phalanges or your car may be in danger.  And sometimes they are.  I think to avoid doing further damage, and to insulate you from bodily injury or property damage, you should do the following three things:

1. Be Honest.

Tell the woman the real reason you don’t think it’s working out, but be nice about it, of course. If you just aren’t compatible in terms of interests, hobbies, or how you like to spend your time, you should tell her that. That may be a good way to let her know that you aren’t just generally disinterested, but you just don’t have the right ingredients for a romantic relationship. If you’d like to remain friendly with her, tell her that. Be mindful about what you claimed were your intentions from the beginning, because those can and will be thrown in your face and used against you. Be prepared for that with a ready answer.

Whatever you do, DO NOT tell her “It’s not you, it’s me.” You might as well shank yourself and save an hour if you go that route.

2. Be Direct.

When I say this, I mean two things- (i) use the right diction, clear and concise language, and (ii) choose your medium wisely. Let’s tackle the first one. When I say be direct and use the right diction, you need to have a clear grasp on what you want to say before you say it. Don’t freestyle a breakup. Think of it as a press conference. You’re going to get questions you are and are not prepared for. If you are 90% sure you’re going to get a certain question, have a ready answer. Use clear and concise language. Don’t sugarcoat. Give it to her straight, no chaser so there’s NO room for rationalization or interpretation with her girlfriends during post-game analysis.

Choose your medium wisely means you should really know when to text, call, email and show up in person. Nothing is more insulting than getting sensitive news via text or email, when the subject matter, and the person delivering it, is important enough to warrant AT LEAST a call. I know text provides yet another passive aggressive shield for dudes, but come on. You wouldn’t want to hear that your mom died, or your dog died for that matter, via text… so why would you want to tell someone you want to cease and desist all contact via text? That’s cowardly. Phone or in person are best.

3. Do it ASAP.

Let’s keep it real. Dragging anything out longer than it needs to be is like ripping off a damn near glued on band-aid slowly. That’s all bad. Trust me. If you want to ensure someone is angry with you and feels like you were taking advantage of them or playing with their emotions… stall when doing something important. Sure, no one wants to hear that they aren’t all you ever dreamed they would be, but guess what? The sooner you tell them, the sooner you can stop blocking their blessings and your own. If you know you aren’t willing to give ole girl another shot, then tell her now before she fills another notebook with variations of her married name with your surname on the end.

Also, think realistically.  It’s a recession.  Stop spending money (and time that you could be using to try to make money) on chicks you know you don’t like.

Date Responsibly,
Bari

If you have a question for Bari, email her at askbari@gmail.com

I consider myself pretty progressive, but I don’t think I am progressive enough to handle mantyhose – pantyhose for men.  It’s totally for real.

image source:e-mancipate.net

First I wondered, “why in the world would men want to wear tights?” but as the website clearly explains, pantyhose are not gender specific clothes and they have some health benefits (improves circulation) and sometimes it just happens.  Now I don’t personally know any men who have tried on pantyhose for fun and enjoyed it so much that they wanted to go out and buy a pair of their own, but hey, to each his own. And I can’t forget, they are fashionable.

E-mancipate is a movement for acceptance for male pantyhose.  Who am I to stand in the way of the movement. They even have a book.

So ladies, thoughts?  You gonna get your boo some mantyhose for the holidays.  You can get them here.

peace,
e.

Damn, I was out of the country for most of last week and apparently I missed a lot.

My heart hurts for Jennifer and Julia Hudson.  To lose a mother and brother in a day is heartbreaking.  To lose them because your ex (husband?) is crazy is earth shattering.  It probably shouldn’t be surprising that William Balfour was capable of this, the man did serve 7 years for attempted murder. But… damn.

And this morning they found Julian King, in the SUV William stole from Jason (Jennifer and Julia’s brother). [editor’s note: Julian was found with multiple gun shots wounds, including one to the head. )

I can’t comprehend this.  We wrote about domestic violence earlier in the year.  This case is so extreme.

I know this story would not have gotten as much press as it did if Jennifer Hudson was just some random sista from Chicago.  I know they would not have issued an Amber Alert for Julian if he wasn’t a super star’s nephew.  Hell last week they wouldn’t issue an Amber Alert for an 8 month pregnant 12 year old. (wtf?!)

Violence in our community is so common.  Violence against women and children is so common.  I’m relieved that this story got a lot of press coverage, no matter the reason. And I’m relieved most of the questions have been answered, except maybe for the “why?”.  They say Juilia and William were going through a brutal separation. It’s no reason for all this.

My heart still hurts.  A moment of silence for Jennifer and Julia Hudson and their family.

peace,
e.

Here’s the story – girl likes my guy friend. He’s not interested. He tells her he is not interested in a relationship and that he is happily single. The story should end here. Instead of reading the clues the girl continues her chase and says “Oh we should be friends.” (mistake # 1) Now instead of telling her the truth – that’s he doesn’t even want to be friends – the guy says “Sure.” The girls constantly invites the guy to events and the guy constantly tells her “No.” (mistake #2). Then the girl starts badgering their mutual friends about the guy (mistake #3). So now instead of the guy is more than uninterested, he is now annoyed by her and goes out of his way to avoid her. And to add insult to injury now not only does he think she’s crazy, but now so do his friends.

Ladies, it didn’t have to be this way. I hate to do this but recently it’s become too painful to watch us ignore the reality that a brotha we are into is just not into us. So I decided to write this helpful guide to help us avoid being that chick.

As Bari always says, we need to stop rationalizing what’s going on and be real with ourselves.

So what should the girl have done differently? When he said I don’t want a relationship, she should have kept it moving. When he said “I don’t want a relationship,” she added the words “right now” to the end instead of hearing “with you” which is most likely what he meant.

She thought she was slick with the “Let’s be friends” bit but fella don’t fall for that anymore. And we really need to stop thinking life ends like the movies, where the dude will finally realize you were the one for him all along. Ladies, let’s be real, it rarely, if ever, goes down like that.

So what are some clues that he’s REALLY not into you:

• he NEVER calls back
• he NEVER writes back
• he NEVER accepts you invitations to museums, parks, movies, parties or dinner
• if you catch him on AIM or gchat all his responses are one word long
• he stops attending social events where you used to bump into him
• your mutual friends avoid talking with you about him – like they shut the conversation down

Ladies, if the man you are pursuing does any or all of the above to you, you need to take a step back and really think “Is this guy into me?” or if you want to be really real with yourself, “Am I playing myself?”

If you think, “No, this guy really isn’t into me,” you should pat yourself on the back, have a glass of wine and continue on with your life.

If you think, “Yeah this guy is into me, he just doesn’t know it yet/he’s playing hard to get/some other foolish rationalization,” I’m gonna need for you to scroll up and read this post again.

Good luck ladies.

peace,
e.

Following suit with Miss Eva’s post on “Where have all the fathers gone?” I’ve been wondering on a broader scale “Where have all the good men gone?” Tyra dedicated one of her shows to the topic, and it is the age old discussion among women. Even though the vast evidence of jerks and disappointments may be discouraging, I’m convinced that there are some good men out there. Chances are that we miss a few good men every day.

Applying the combined knowledge I recently acquired from books, blogs, television and discussions, I’d like to share a few tips to increase your chances for success in identifying some of the good men:

Location. Location. Location.

You should probably frequent places where your type of man hangs out. Tyra suggested having lunch on Wall St. to find a business savvy brother.

Diversify.

The Brown Sugar blogger tells women to “Get a Life.” If you venture out to new places you are bound to meet a new variety of people.

Invest.

Take time to get to know new prospectives before writing them off. Most immediate rejections are based on superficial observations. At least give the poor guy a chance to prove that he is not the man for you. The 90-Day Rule is an interesting strategy of getting to know your new beau.

Go solo.

The Brown Sugar blogger recently drew attention to the fact that it is hard enough for a man to approach a woman, and to approach her when she is surrounded by her girls it is near impossible. The blogger advises arriving early to gatherings and hanging out at the bar solo for a little bit.

Prepare the proposal.

Whoa whoa whoa, not that kind of proposal! All I’m saying is don’t be afraid to ask a guy out. The Fly Guy advises that being specific, for example “Have you ever been to Max Brenner? We should check it out.” is more appealing and more effective than “We should hang out sometime.”

It is my personal mission this summer to find some good men in this great city of New York. I’m challenging you SASSY ladies to a game of MANGO (Man BINGO), a scavenger hunt for the good men. Customize your MANGO board with the qualities you find important, and find one new person to fulfill each characteristic on the board. I can’t guarantee that you’ll find your soul mate. This game is intended purely for entertainment and to make some new friends. If you find your new boo, more power to you. It is my hope that by the end of the summer we would have all found at least found 25 of the good men.

HAPPY MANGO!

Dear Bari,

I’m what some people would call a man’s man. I’m also what most would call a good catch, though not unlike other 29 year olds. I like to exercise, I’m an attorney, I eat steaks, I have fun with my friends, I love my family and I watch sports.

Problem is I love girls, girls, girls, girls…girls I do adore, and I have a girlfriend. Well let me be blunt. I’m a hoe. Always have been. Basically – What should a guy do if he is addicted to women (aka, wants to do every fine woman he sees)?

PB&J

.

Hey Peanut Butter and Jelly… wow. Glad to have a guy send in a question! Before we get started, if nothing else, I commend you for your honesty- hoedom aside. I also applaud you attempting to get this out of your system now instead of aging into that 53-year-old dude who will no doubt hit on me in the club this weekend in an effort to see if he still has “it.” For the record, he doesn’t. No old man in the club does. Tell a friend. Or your dad.

Anyway…the simple answer is break up with your girl and stay single. Nowhere in your message did I see any reason for you to be in a relationship- no “I really like her,” or “I love my girl but I am still attracted to others”… nothing. However, you know you can’t get off that easily because then I wouldn’t get to practice armchair psychology on you. There are three ways you can look at this. What’s behind door #1? There’s an issue with this specific relationship with this particular woman. What’s behind door #2? It’s a personal problem (or preference depending on how you look at it) that will rear its ugly head in all of your relationships that only you can decide to remedy. So what’s behind door #3? Bad timing. Let’s explore all options.

First, if you have a girlfriend and still feel the urge to do every fine woman you see, then perhaps something is wrong with your relationship with your girlfriend. Maybe the two of you just aren’t compatible, so that’s why she’s not keeping your attention. Now, I don’t know all of the ins and outs of your relationship, but I didn’t read one reason as to why you actually stay, but a good reason for why you should leave. Let me give you a piece of advice…the cure to whatever is ailing your relationship with *this* woman is not to be found in the arms (or between the legs) of another woman. Period. If you can’t work it out with this woman, and you are certain of that, then let her go. You are doing both this woman and yourself a disservice by letting her twist in the wind thinking she has a fighting chance of making you happy when you know good and well that she can’t. Stop stalling.

Second, maybe monogamy, long-term commitment or even marriage isn’t for you. I’m here to say that there’s nothing wrong with that. I’m also here to say that it’s easy as hell to say that at 29 years old. Not so much when you are eating chicken pot pie alone on some random Sunday in June that you later realize is Father’s Day when you’re 67. That said, I think that people oftentimes take societal expectations for granted. They never critically think for themselves if what they’ve been force-fed since birth about life’s “goal” being a house, a spouse, kids and a dog is really what they want. Sure, it may be what your mom wants and what you see on TV and in movies…but is that conducive to the lifestyle you picture for yourself? Only you know the answer to that. If you want to be free to have the option to always seize the day with a new woman, this may be something to seriously consider.

Third, maybe now is just not the time for a relationship. It could feasibly be a combination of options 1 and 2. It may be even simpler than that. While you didn’t give me a lot of facts to work with, you may have just passed the bar, gotten a firm job and are experiencing all the opportunities available to an eligible man with a six figure salary. No problem with that, and no need to feel guilty because it happens all the time. I see dudes doing the fool based on this scenario every year, especially come November when Bar results are released. Live it up…but first let your girl down gently so you can fully enjoy all the prospects at your feet and not a moment before.

So, what’s the point to all of this? Stay single. Don’t commit to someone if you are not ready. It’s clear that you are not ready at this time, and there is nothing wrong with that. Make sure you provide full disclosure so that you give women enough information about what you seek so that they can make an informed decision about how to proceed with you (or not). As long as you are honest about what you are looking for with the women you are seeing everyone wins. In the meantime, I’d advise that you do some soul searching about what you’d like your life to look like at 67. You may even include watching “I Think I Love My Wife” in your analysis. In time, you may find that you’re ready to settle down. You may find you like being an addict. Either way, honesty is the best policy…with yourself and others. Happy trails…

Bari

If you have questions for Bari, please email them to askbari@gmail.com.