When I was in undergrad, my best friend went through a phase where everything and everyone was stupid.  All day long “this is stupid” or “you are stupid.”   It wasn’t until I called myself stupid (probably before she got a chance to) that she realized that this habit was destructive and she should drop it.  And she did.  Unfortunately for me, the habit of bad talking continued on and still does.  And it’s totally crazy because everyone thinks I’m smart, or at least, people only tell me I’m smart, no one’s called me stupid in a really long time.

I knew in the beginning of my happiness journey that the bad talk was going to be my biggest obstacle.  And it is certainly harder to stop than I imagined.  In my pursuit of happiness, I’m reading pretty much everything I can get my hands on about happiness.  I’m currently reading When Am I Going to Be Happy?: How to Break the Emotional Bad Habits That Make You Miserable (I know, I know, I hate the title too).  In that chapter I’m reading, she recommends talking tenderly to yourself when you normally would have said something negative to yourself.  The point is to be forgiving of yourself because we are humans and we make mistakes.  She recommends rationally and logically going through whatever set you off (in my case, it will most likely be this paper I’ve been working on all month, so something like “You’ve been working diligently on this paper for a month and it’s still not in the place you want it to be (read: finished), but it is in much better shape than it was in the beginning of the month and if you keep working at this pace, it will be done by next week.  This process is taking longer than you wanted, but that’s what happens in academic writing (hell, any writing)”) and ending with “It’s ok, sweetheart.”

So my goal, is to say something along those lines when inevitably I become frustrated with this paper instead of my handy “You’re stupid, this paper is never going to get done.” Oh, and I’ll end it with “It’s ok, darling.” Because I love darling so much more than sweetheart.  I’ll report back with progress reports.  Wish me luck.

So what say you friends?  Would you consider doing this to combat your negative self talk?

e.

Today I want to introduce a new series to SASSY: Choose Happiness.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about happiness.  Maybe it’s because it’s the summer and I have more time to actually enjoy living life.  Maybe it’s because a lot of my friends have found love or are having babies and just seem to be oozing love and happiness.  I don’t know.

So what does choosing happiness mean?  What I’m striving for is simple: To be happy every day, not necessarily all day every day but every single day.  No matter where I am in my life, or what I have.  Currently I would describe myself as on the pursuit to happiness.  I think I’ve even become a little obsessed with it.  I don’t like spending time listening to friends complain about aspects of their life they can easily change – don’t like the way the guy you’re dating is treating you?  Stop dating him and move on.  Totally bored and uninspired by your job?  Figure out what your passion is and then figure out a way to get paid to do that.  I know these  things are easy to say, but I’m finding it’s actually not hat hard to do.  I think that people forget that they are actually in control of their life.  You choose who you let in and spend time with.  You choose how you spend your time.  Now chose happiness.

I recently finished Gretchen Rubin’s The Happiness Project.  It’s an interesting book. Essentially her New Year’s resolution was to be happy and through research and a pretty intense reward system chart, she tackled different aspects of life that affected her happiness and documented the whole thing.  At first, I was giving her (and the book) the illest of side eyes because theoretically she was already supposed to be happy – she was married, she had kids, she owned her house and she was doing what she loved (after quitting a very financially stable and respectable job).  But then I had to check myself, everyone has the right to be unhappy, or rather, everyone has the right to want to be happier.  And so, I read about her journey to becoming happier.  And I had to admit, some of her tactics could work in my life.

I was struck by one of her revelations.  That some of her unhappiness stemmed from bad feelings she had for not doing something  said she would/ was supposed to/ needed to do.  When I look at my life, and the times when I beat myself up, it is normally because I didn’t do something I said I would (normally something I promised myself – like going to the gym, or attending a friend’s event, etc).  So she created a Nagging To Do List and listed every single thing she had put off that she needed to do (and had beat herself up about) and she took a month and completed them.  After creating my list, I know it will take more than a month to handle some of them (that 19th century Black fatherhood paper is just not going to get done this month), but other things, like getting my pesky stove fan fixed where really simple  – simple to avoid but also really simple to handle.

The point of this series is to remind you that you can choose to be happy.  It really is a choice to make and that is just the first part.  You have to choose to be happy, you have to realize that you do deserve to be happy and recognize how important happiness is to you.  While Rubin spends a lot of time arguing with herself about whether it is totally selfish to focus on one’s happiness, I am actually not having that problem at all.  Although others are having a problem with me following my happiness because it is almost contradictory to my current work trajectory.  I’m on the third year of my PhD program and the thought of being a full time professor is less than appealing.  My boss/mentor is about to jump through the window; he is so over me saying “but I won’t be happy doing this.”  But you know what?  I’m going to do what I want to do, which is not following the script of what I’m supposed to do, and choose happiness.

peace,
e.

No I’m not gonna go Howard Stern on her, but I think she’s a perfect example of what I want to talk about.  First off, I love her confidence.  It’s not easy no matter the size, but for her to be that size in Hollywood and still have her self esteem (and sanity) in check is amazing.  But we must be for real, she is not healthy and we should not encourage her to stay this size.

The other day on twitter someone joked about how it’s the time for someone to talk to Gabby about her weight and not even 5 minutes later someone else tweeted “big girls rule, leave Gabby alone.”  Now I know this isn’t going to be popular, but we’ve got to stop.  If Gabby does not lose (a substantial amount of weight now), she might not make it to 50.  It’s just not healthy and we shouldn’t encourage this. I’m not saying turn on her, say bad things, think negative thoughts.  I’m not hating on Gabby.  I’m saying, we need to encourage her to do better.  We need to not make excuses for her not to lose weight.  At this point, she can afford better food, she can afford the gym, she can afford a trainer, she could even afford surgery if she wanted to go that route, so all these wack excuses you’re getting ready to throw at me are moot.

This post is not about bashing “big girls” or hurting their self esteem.  This post is a plea for us to stop encouraging each other  to stay large.  I get why we say “big girls rule” and other affirmations.  And I think it’s great that we encourage people to feel good about themselves no mater the size, but we have got to stop making excuses for our size.

Facts:

• African American women have higher rates of obesity than women of other races
• Black people were 50% less likely to engage in exercise than White people in 2007
• People that are overweight are more likely to suffer from high blood pressure and other risk factors of heart disease (which is the #1 leading cause of death for African American women).

Collectively we need to lose weight.  I’m not saying try to become a size 2, I’m saying be healthy. If you’re already fit, great.  Now go out and help your mom, your sister or your best friend get in shape too.  Losing weight and eating healthy are not easy, but they are definitely feasible.  With some motivation, discipline and support, we can do it.

peace,
e.

sources: 1, 2

Last week I had the privilege to speak at the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services forum “The Social Determinants of Health: A Discussion of the Relationship between Marriage and Health Outcomes in African American Communities.”  Throughout the day we had panels of researchers explaining marriage (and cohabitation’s) effect on health – there was one entire panel devoted to obesity.   Maybe two weeks ago, Belle touched on the topic of how our weight might be affecting our prospects at marriage.  My first reaction to the post was “well, duh” but the commentors weren’t having it… at all.  It got crazy.  Many self proclaimed larger women were going on and on about how they were landing men left and right.  But let’s get one thing clear: there is a big difference between some dude you just sleep with and a husband.  Many of these women had the former.  And if that’s all you want, then that’s cool.  But from what I’m hearing, most women want more.

Before I really get into what I want to say, let me lay out some facts for you guys

• Discussions of selection aside, people in better health are more likely to get married (there is a ton of research to back this up)
• Your weight is an indicator of your general health
• Black women are more likely to be considered overweight and obese (and yes, these are very different from thick)
• Black women are less likely to get married than women of other races (yes, yes I know, we’ve been beaten over the head with this all year)

So that said,  one researcher found that Black women are more likely to become obese after marriage than women of other races (granted, I think the assumption was that they were already overweight).  Well when it came to the Q&A people went in.  First it was the excuses that we as women are just too busy to find time to exercise.  Look, if Barack Obama can find time to exercise every day, you can find time too.  Then it was “but exercising isn’t fun.”  Are we being for real?  Brushing your teeth isn’t fun, but you do that every day.  Putting on makeup isn’t fun (at least not to me) but you’d better believe I take the time to look pretty in the am.  Going to work really isn’t fun, but we do that without fail.  That excuse is lame and I’m not going to justify that.  You’re an adult, grow up.  Then came the one I was waiting for  – “but my hair.”

Black women look at it like this: it’s your hair or your life. And I’m serious.  I can think of no worse reason to die young(er than everyone else) than the desire for your hair to look good.  We talked about how much our hair costs, how long it takes to do our hair, how we need to look good.  It all.  It was pathetic.  Surrounded by these amazing women doing amazing things and most of them were overweight and complaining about their hair.  Later while discussing this with another panelist, he bought up the fact that a lot of women he knows don’t like working out in the gym because they don’t want men to see them sweating.  Women, please stop the madness. A). I’m sure you’re still gorgeous under all your makeup and B). you’re supposed to look at little crazy at the gym, that’s how you know you’re doing it right (and trust, sometimes we are doing it all wrong at the gym, but that is another post).

Unsure if you are overweight or obese, check your  BMI (yes I know this isn’t the *best* method, but it’s start) or better yet, check your percentage body fat.  Most gyms should have a machine that will check it for you, or you can buy one yourself.  If you are overweight or obese, please take a good long look at yourself, think about how your body feels, think about how you feel about your body and then think about how you want to feel (and look) in the next 10 years and then reconsider not exercising.

So please, love yourself, take it to the gym, eat better and be happy.

peace,
e.

What is it gonna take for us to take domestic violence seriously?  So today Beat Her Down Chris Brown issued a truly pathetic (and heavily scripted) apology to his fans.   It’s too lame for me to post it on my site, but you can watch it here. Why so late, his lawyer advised him not to. I’m sure.  So Chris Brown is looking all solemn and we’re just supposed to forgive him and carry on.

Apparently a lot of women, some with daughters have.  Man on twitter, I’m about to lose my mind.  Women saying “He’s just a kid!” (18 is an adult).  Why should one accident ruin his career? Because that “accident” nearly killed someone and because he’s a role model to some kids.  I mean, are we for real?  Why are Black women the loudest ones calling for us to be calm and forgiving to a man who will choke you out and leave you in an abandoned car?  Why are we forgiving a dude who’s rocking a big chain that says “oops” on it?  Be for real,  he’s not sorry.  He hasn’t changed.  He most likely will beat down another woman.  And some of ya’ll will still be crying for patience and forgiveness.

He talked to his pastor and his mother.  That doesn’t sound like the heavy duty counseling your abusive self needs to go to.  That’s not going to change your mindset and calm whatever rage you have inside of you.

It just makes no sense.  What do you think?

</rant>

peace,
e.

Sometimes it’s easy to lose sight of what it really means to love yourself. Especially, if your in a situation where you’re constantly giving to another person. Whether it is because you are a parent, a wife, a caregiver or what have you; it may be difficult to find time to really love yourself the way that you should. What does it really mean to love yourself? Is it about making yourself a cup of hot chocolate when you’re cold? Is it about buying yourself a new dress when you feel like it? Is it doing whatever you want when you want it? Is it about putting warm clothes on when it’s freezing outside? I see the statement, ‘you must first love yourself….’ alot, but there is not enough emphasis on how to really do that.

Love is such a loaded word that many people define differently. Traditionally, love is defined as having a deep affection or feeling of devotion. But to truly be in love with thyself goes beyond caring for your basic needs. It means to empathize completely; to understand and identify with yourself; to accept yourself as you are and to come to terms with those aspects of yourself that you cannot change. It by no means encourages arrogance or feelings of conceit but this kind of love is about recognizing your self worth and those things that make you uniquely fabulous.

Doing these things means first taking a self inventory. You’re probably thinking, what does taking inventory mean? Well, it means acknowledging both your strengths and your weaknesses and not only embracing them but also finding ways to develop those talents that make you great and finding the resources to strengthen those things that tear you down. It’s ok accept that nose that you think may be too big for your face. Embrace that! You were born with it and therefore cannot change it. Know that with all your imperfections, those are the same things that makes you fly, fierce and fabulous.

Taking self inventory also means forgiving yourself for things you’ve done in the past by letting go of yesterday and look towards tomorrow. It means that it’s okay to take a moment for yourself. Now, this is an area that most women struggle with. Personally, I find it easier and more natural to make sure everyone else is fed, hydrated and clothed. But when it comes to myself, remembering to eat dinner can sometimes be a chore. I have realized that I dont take enough time to myself to do those things that makes me happy. That is essential. Finding time for your own happiness is key in learning to truly be in love with you. Oftentimes, we hear we cannot properly love another without loving ourselves but lets extend that – we cannot properly exist without learning to first take time to embrace our uniqueness and nurture our passions.

A great way to do this is to court yourself. Treat yourself the way you would want to be treated by someone you hope will fall in love with you. If you like art, go to a gallery. If you like to cook, find a new recipe and try it out. If you like to write, buy a new journal and pen your thoughts. Whatever it may be do it! Even if you dont have anyone to do it with you, go anyway.  The idea is for you to get to know yourself and understand the things that you like and make you happiest. In the end, you will find that you are able to smile more, laugh more, live fruitfully and pay more attention to the small things in life that before may have gone unnoticed.

If you find it difficult to begin on this journey of falling in love with yourself, just remember that any good love takes time. Give yourself the time you deserve to establish a love for yourself that will last a lifetime. You don’t want a one night stand with yourself, you want an enchanted and eternal love. After all, regardless of who you may end up with, which professional road you may travel, or which zipcode you reside in – at the end of the day, you will still be you. And that you deserves to be loved, pampered and nurtured. So, if you only do one thing for yourself today – let it be to make a commitment to fall in love with the wonderfully fabulous YOU!

Times are tough, and some of us may be wondering if we can afford to keep our gym memberships.  However, we know that staying active is one really good way to deal with stress. (Remember, if you do the math, a monthly membership can be cheaper per day than a latte!)  A lot of gyms are lowering rates or offering deals, so be sure to ask at yours.  In any case, I thought I would put together a list of my favorite cheap/free yoga and Pilates resources to share with all of you.  These are a good way to get started if you’ve always wanted to try, and a good way to keep your routine interesting if the elliptical just isn’t doing it for you, or if you really have to give up the membership.  Please don’t consider this an exhaustive list. These are just things I’ve found and tend to like.  I’m sure there are others out there.  You should also not be afraid to check out your local yoga or Pilates studio to get some consultation from professionals. Many studios offer deals, especially now.

Yoga Today
Free 60 minute yoga classes daily, streamed through the website. There are different teachers, each with a different style. Some teachers and classes are more intense than others. You can search classes by level, and if you don’t know what you’re doing, the video and the clear explanations are great.

YogaMazing video podcast
These podcasts are short (15-30 minutes) and a really good introduction to various poses.  Chaz, the instructor, takes a lot of viewer feedback into consideration when he’s putting classes together.  Each week has a theme (yoga for runners, yoga for stress, etc) and a class can be a quick way to fit a workout in if you’re pressed for time.  Sometimes I do a couple episodes together, too.  If you go for this, you should beware of Chaz’s ridiculous puns. (Who knew there were so many possibilities for joking during a yoga class?)

Yoga to the People
Yoga to the People is a donation-based studio in the East Village. There is also a location in Berkeley, CA. If you’re nearby, definitely check out a class. YTTP also has a podcast available through iTunes that I love. It’s a 60-minute Vinyasa class, so be prepared to work hard. The podcasts are audio only, so if you’re a beginner and/or learn better visually, they might be a little tough to follow.

Pilates on Fifth
I just found the Pilates on Fifth podcast through iTunes the other day (are you seeing a trend here?) and I really like it.  There are short (2-3 minute) video clips that go over specific exercises, as well as longer (10 minute) sequences that work a particular muscle group.  I also found a 30-minute mat workout that left me feeling my core for the rest of the day.  I’ve never visited the studio, but according to the website, classes are available in packs.  It’s a little pricey (at least for me), but it could be a good option if you want to try it out with the help of a professional.

Time Warner On Demand
I don’t have cable, but someone was telling me the other day that Time Warner has all kinds of free exercise classes free On Demand. You can get your cable and your gym membership at the same time!

I’m always on the lookout for ways to exercise cheaply and keep things interesting, so if you have some ideas, feel free to post them!

Greetings SASSY women (and men)!! This time of year seems to be the busiest for most people and oftentimes, the monotony of our busy lives can sometimes lead us very little time to stop and “smell the roses.”  I was recently reminded of this when a few weekends ago, I was momentarily relieved of my responsibilities and told to “Go Relax!” and “Find something to do!”  Now, being a young woman in her mid-twenties, I would love to say that despite the chaos I sometimes call my life; I know how to kick back and relax.  But not true.

At a time when I should’ve been calling up the closest girlfriend, throwing on my cutest pair of skinny jeans and stilettos and getting my SASSY on, I was standing there dumbfounded trying to figure out what exactly I could do with myself that would allow me to say, “Yes, I got some rest” or “I (insert activity here) and relaxed a bit.”  But, somewhere along the line, I’ve forgotten how to REALLY relax and since this discovery, I’ve been on a quest to figure out what I can do to re-learn how to gain some moments of genuine relaxation in my life amongst all the ripping and running I do on the daily.

The word ‘relax’ means to seek rest or recreation; to become less tense; to cast off social restraint, nervous tension or anxiety.  My life seems to be the exact opposite of all those things.  I tend to stay tense, restrained, and anxious about getting the next thing done, often worrying about that next thing while doing my present thing.  But did you know that the body was not designed to effectively handle multiple stresses at the same time?  So when we overload ourselves with activities and thoughts, our body reacts by making us increasingly fatigued and weakening our immune system, making us more susceptible to colds and infections.

This is why it is important to find time to relax because relaxation helps to keep our stress levels down, and consequently improves our health.  Too little relaxation can result in mental health problems, memory failure and even heart attack – and none of us want that.  By taking time to pamper our minds   gives our bodies that natural rejuvenation it needs to keep us healthy.

In my quest to re-define my ideas of relaxation, I’ve formulated this list of easy to do things you can do to relax. And if you’re a person who finds it hard to relax or have to come to realize that your mind often wanders when you attempt to relax, this list is for you, my SASSY sisters (and brothers).

1. Indulge in a hot bubble bath. Just a 30 minute soak in a warm bubble bath will help you feel relaxed and lighten your mind.  Warm water loosens up muscles, so it’s a great way to feel pampered without doing a lot.  It will also deepen respiration and take any tension away from your body.  So break out your most aromatic candles and bath salts and soak away.
2. Relax with some soothing music. Oftentimes, putting on a good CD, being still and listening has helped ease some relaxation into my day.  Additionally, it is a known fact that music that has a tempo of 60 beats/minute works in harmony with the human heartbeat, and therefore creates a relaxing effect.  It slows down the heart rate, breathing rate and thinking rate, and lets you relax into deep levels of rest.
3. Learn the power of the word “No”.  This one is fairly simple.  If you are constantly bombarded with additional tasks that would cause your life to become more hectic than it is, just say “NO!” to these things.  Be selfish occasionally, the world can go on without you; someone else CAN baby-sit or drive your parents somewhere.  The meeting can wait and the garden/washing/house work can wait too.
4. Go For A Drive – Now this one isn’t for everyone, as some people cannot relax when they are driving.  But if you like to drive ( like I do ), drive somewhere pretty, stop the car and sit and look at the surrounding nature.  You’ll become one with yourself, your environment and free your mind of its stress.
5. Get a massage. Massage techniques are known to cause states of deep relaxation.  As the muscles loosen, the mind releases and lulls you into a state of peace.  Do some research in your city and find a spa that offers affordable massages.  Often you may find that a Swedish massage can run less than $50 if you’re willing to splurge.  Or if your boo’d up, ask them to come over and loosen those muscles for free.
6. Take a nap. Sleep forces our bodies to find states of natural relaxation.  By lying on your back, your muscles relax on their own, allowing you to let go of some of the tension without even trying.  Make sure that you nap without the TV or radio on, as this will force the mind to continue to be active and you’ll absorb those sounds into your psyche – causing you to never enter the REM stage of sleep.

Other things you may want to try: yoga, pilates or deep breathing techniques.

I hope you’ll be inspired by my list to take some time to relax by adopting some of these things or by creating your own imaginative ways to include moments of relaxation in your day.  Share with me in the comments what you SASSY folks do to relax both daily and when you have free time to partake in more lengthy relaxation activities.  If you do nothing today, take a moment to relax!!
Yours in SASSiness and relaxation,
Mignon

Have you ever found yourself in an unpleasant situation? One that you both did not plan for and do not know how to handle? I know I have. It’s such a natural response that when we go through problems we get grumpy, depressed, and the situation we ended up in became worse than it actually was.

Of course I am not saying that we should just accept every bad thing that comes our way. But sometimes, we just need to lighten up and accept the things that happen to us.

However, there is no mistaking that sometimes life deals us cards that we don’t want to play. When that happens, usually, we have no choice but to play them anyway trying our best to use them to our advantage.  But, whatever situation you’ve found yourself stuck in, I’m here to tell you that there is definitely a way out. You’re in your present state for a reason, whether you’d like to admit it or not.

Maybe you want to make the most of your bad situation but don’t know where to start. Well, my suggestion would be to make peace with it and find out what it truly means to accept and love it. I know you probably think I’m nuts for suggesting that you even give place to such an absurd thought, but the minute that you learn to love the things you can’t change, the sooner you will see them transforming in front of your eyes. In learning to love your situation, you must first realize that love extends far beyond that of an intense physical attraction to another person.

I’m speaking about the experience of love, the feeling of intense caring and identification with something, and in this instance that something would be your situation. Loving your situation means that you accept it just as it is, flaws and all, and become willing to nurture it until it grows and changes. When the unforeseen happens, you must learn how to use the situation to your advantage. So in the face of your bad situation, here are some things to remember:

• Accept the fact that choices are long lasting and life changing. Temporary situations are just that… temporary. They will only exist for a season and that alone is worth remembering. However, the choices we make do play a large part in the ways our life changes. So if your situation is a result of a choice you’ve made there is no need to beat yourself up about it. Work on doing those things that it takes to get you to the state of contentment and past the state of resentment.
• Your attitude will determine your outcome. It has been said that one’s true character is revealed in times of adversity.  You must take the time to change your attitude from one of negativity to one of positivity. Overall, the attitude you take while going through your situation will set the stage for the attitude you’ll have once you overcome that situation. It has also been said that the ability to make the best out of a bad situation can play an important role in success.  It is in times of adversity when others see us for who we really are, and not just who we are trying to become.
• Once you’ve made peace with your situation, find something good in it. There is always some good in every situation, whether bad or otherwise. You have to be willing to find that good and embrace it. Just about every bad situation has the seed of an equivalent or even greater good; you just need to know where to look.  This is where a positive mental attitude really comes in handy.  At the very least, bad situations can be written off as a good experience.
• Move from attitude to action. Making the best of a bad situation is all about attitude and action.  First, realize that you may not have any control over the situation but you do have complete control over your response.  Then, choose the appropriate action that will allow you to make the best out of the situation. So instead of insisting on having an attitude, vow to take action! That action is what will transform your situation into your positive destiny. Bad things often happen to good people, but good people take those bad things and turn them into something great!

Oh yeah. It’s that time of the year ladies: SPA WEEK. From April 13 to the 19th you can enjoy pampering at many spas for $50. This is a national event, so check out the site, find your local spa and get that massage, facial or mani/pedi you’ve been putting off.

peace,
e.