for real? Is this requisite line of every black chick on reality shows?

Last night I watched the premiere of Real Chance of Love. Yes, the show is as terrible as its title and horrendous wardrobe. Who dresses theses guys?!

But please slip me the number of real’s hair dresser because I WISH my hair had that shine.

At any rate, the show is basically Flavor of Love (my fav) but with two clowns and too many angry women. The black women were so angry. The white women were so “color blind.” The show was absolutely ridiculous but one part struck me, the mandatory “I’m not here for friends” line that somehow turned into a really huge fight. It went like this.

White woman: We should be buddies.
Black woman: I’m not here for friends.
White woman: Ok *walks away*
Black woman immediately starts talking shit to other women about how the White women wanted to be friends. She threw in the “She’s here for the wrong thing, she’s not real” line and the others giggle.
White women: *over hearing this (because of course the Black woman was extra loud)* Are you talking about me?
Black woman (yelling): YES! I AM NOT HERE FOR FRIENDS!

Uhm, what in the world? Don’t believe me, watch it here. That was annoying. What was more disturbing to hear it in real life [editor's note: rest of paragraph deleted b/c said woman was offended]

SASSY ladies, lemme break something down for you. You need friends. You need friends at school, you need friends at work, you need friends in your life. I know this macho “I don’t need friends” bs makes you feel like you’re an independent woman, but for real, you sound foolish.

Why do you need friends? Well besides the fact that friends are awesome, they can benefit you. You can study with your friends at school. Friends at work can help you with your projects, they can keep you from putting your foot in your mouth at meetings. Friends at both can support you when people start acting crazy (it’s inevitable). I love friends.

If the friends at work and school aren’t awesome, perhaps you aren’t choosing them wisely. The office gossip, probably not the one you should be a bff with. The loud mouth who’s always playing people in class, while funny, is not the one that you want to share your insecurities with.

Choose wisely and please make some friends.

peace,
e.

crossposted at evahaldane.com

The other night, I went to see “Sex and the City” for the second time. After the movie, I got to thinking about the nature of female relationships. On the one hand, my women friends are some of the most supportive I have. I would not be who I am without them. On the other hand, we women (in general) can do some really underhanded things to each other. We gossip, cut each other down, and/or feel threatened by the “pretty one,” the “smart one,” or the “thin one,” I don’t entirely know why we do these things. But my theory is that all of it is learned behavior. We’ve been taught to be divisive. Just imagine how powerful we would be if we were united in appreciating each other for what we are. In order to achieve that unity, we need a statement, a declaration of sorts, to guide us. Here is my effort at outlining one—feel free to add your own tenets!

We will not break plans with each other for a significant other.
I’ve been on both sides of this one. I know how it feels to be so excited about someone new and want to spend time with him. I also know how it feels to be jilted by a friend who would rather be with her boyfriend. (Sorry to be hetero-normative, but I’m writing from my own experience here). The latter is no fun—it causes resentment and can end friendships (really). Most of us would like to avoid both outcomes, right? So when we say we’re going to do something, we should follow through, and try not to break plans with friends in favor of a significant other. In most cases, friends are around longer.

We will forgive each other.
Maybe the friendship to which I am referring above might not have ended if I had been better at forgiving. That’s something to think about.

We will not talk about each other negatively behind our backs.
I suppose this is life advice, not just wisdom for relationships with women. But it seems that we women are experts at being two-faced. We learned it from somewhere (and I’m going out on a limb here)–probably from the system of patriarchy that dominates our society and can’t handle the idea of women as a unified front. So we are taught to take each other down rather than lifting each other up. Every time we speak ill of each other, we’re contributing to the system in a small way. So why not try to stop, and with that, erode the system a little?

We will speak up when we see each other being treated unfairly.
This one is also about supporting each other. In a lot of ways, it follows logically from committing to stop talking negatively about each other. First we stop the negative words and then we stop the silence. Or perhaps we try to do both simultaneously. Patriarchy and other forms of oppression thrive on silence, which brings me to the next premise…

We will strive to understand how the many systems of oppression in our society are intertwined and strive to dismantle them.
We cannot talk about sexism without also speaking about racism, homophobia, ageism, and a host of other ‘–isms’. In order to undo the patriarchal system that thrives on women taking each other down, we must also understand how all of the ‘–isms’ hold up certain groups over others. We can learn from and join efforts to fight other forms of oppression. Even by committing to this code (or to your own) we can make a change that is larger than each of us.

So there it is: the girl code. Is it possible to live this way? I like to think so, especially if I have a whole group of wonderful women (and men) friends holding me accountable.

-Moira

Being an only child I was always drawn to groups like The Baby-sitters Club and Best Friends Clubs, and as an “adult” I still long for slumber parties and girls nights. With the prevalence of sororities and female bonding shows like Girlfriends and Sex and the City I find comfort in knowing that I’m not the only one who enjoys sisterly support.

Many of us take our girly gatherings for granted, but time with the girls can contribute to your overall well-being: helping to reduce stress, providing emotional support and extra motivation.

When you’re overwhelmed with your job and you’re tired of forcing a phony smile for your coworkers and boss, what’s better than to convene with your girls who you can shed all of the cordial layers with and just be yourself? Or when you’re fed up fighting with your boo, who just doesn’t get what you’re saying, you need your girls who you can hold a complete conversation without a single word, only grunts and glances. For example:

Girl 1: Spotting a girl whose orange underwear clearly should not be visible through her white pants, “Hmph.” (Translation: Oh no she didn’t! Why didn’t one of her friends tell her that wasn’t a good idea?)

Girl 2: Glances at girl 1, head cocked to the side and eyebrow raised. (Translation: I’m glad you said something because you know I don’t like talking about people.)

Girl 1 and 2: Simultaneous laughter. (Translation: That’s why I love you. You always know exactly what I’m saying.)

No matter what the reason, time with your girls can rejuvenate your spirit and recharge you to face those who don’t really get you once again.

Unlike Joan and Carrie and their respective posses, we do not all have an extensive budget for our social life yet. While a girls night out is always fun, a girls night in can be just as fun and more cost effective. Whip out the calendar and schedule some days for the girls:

Girls Night Out	OR	Girls Night In
Dinner and a movie My girls and I already have a night planned for Max Brenner and Sex and the City.		Invite the girls over to bring a dish and invest in NetFlix or RedBox (DVDs for only $1/day).
Pamper Party Try martini and a manicure at Beauty Bar, sip while you spa at Dashing Diva, or call SPArties to customize a spa package for you and your girls.		Call the Mary Kay lady! They do free product demonstrations. I recommend investing in the Satin Hands set for your at-home pampering pleasure.
Work It Out Try exercise and/or dance classes together. Some places offer free classes for first time customers.		Pop in a workout DVD and work it out!
Dance Party Thankfully, for a night out on the town, we ladies have it relatively easy because there are many “Free before __ for Ladies” nights.		Create a playlist and dance the night away. For you daring souls, try your luck at Dance Dance Revolution (also good for a workout).
Girlfriend Getaways Plan a trip to LA, NYC, Miami, Tobago, Paris, or wherever. You can find great flight/hotel/car rental packages using sites like Travelocity, Hotwire, Orbitz, Priceline, etc.; Greyhound and Amtrak are also good for a fun day trip, or road trip!		Visit a far away friend to enjoy the scenery in good company without the hotel costs.

When life’s too much, make it a Girls Night.

Dear Bari,

Lately I feel like I’ve been bombarded with the message that you should be friends first with a person before you actually date them. This makes a lot of sense except for the fact that I have absolutely no idea of how to do this.

When I’m attracted to someone, it tends to get physical. Not necessarily right away, but sooner than later. Can you be physical and be friends? How do I get a guy I like to understand that I want to be friends first so we can move onto something meaningful later? Because honestly, when I hear the word “friend” I automatically think of the “friend zone” and that’s not the place to be for me. Can you help me Bari?

- Utterly Confused

Hey UC- let me see if I understand you. You want to figure out how to develop emotional intimacy before physical intimacy. This seems simple enough. Work on getting to know your new friend before you consider giving up the goods. Think of it like this…you wouldn’t loan your car to a stranger, right? So then why would you grant access to the most precious thing you own to a stranger? You should check out their driving record and insurance coverage first. Follow my drift? I mean…if you’re all about handing over the keys before doing all that, do you. Just know it’s not the smartest thing you could ever do.

I feel like you don’t have an unusual problem. Folks in our age group (roughly those born in 1978 and after) are what I call the “instant gratification” generation. Now before you start calling me a crotchety old woman (and yes, I am in some ways, and probably worse than your grandma, so get over it), I just think it’s wise to postpone certain types of gratification to even figure out if it’s worth the time and effort invested for the potential return on investment. I think it’s smarter to do due diligence before you get physically intimate with someone. Let’s think about why.

You say you want to enter a relationship. Well, if you start off by defining your new relationship as one for merely jump-off purposes, chances are your potential partner won’t see you as anything other than a good-time girl. You’re setting up expectations for nothing more than a sexual relationship, whether you want more or have more to offer than that. For that reason, I wouldn’t advocate trying to be physical while building a friendship besides kissing and cuddling. Anything other than that too soon makes you “friends with benefits.” That’s cool if that’s all you want, but it seems that you want a relationship. The benefits of establishing a friendship are that you have learned how a person behaves in different settings while you are friends, so you will be better able to gauge their reactions to similar settings when you move into a more intimate relationship. Most importantly, people get excited about the possibility of a relationship and want to skip steps, and dive head first into a physical relationship. The problem is that they rush into intimacy and romance, and not friendship, which means your relationship is not built on a solid foundation…but quicksand. If you like drama or adventure, then that situation is for you. If not, keep reading.

How do you start a relationship based on friendship? It’s easy enough. How have you made friends with all of the friends you already have? Instead of spending time rounding the various bases, spend that time getting to know one another. Share hobbies, experiences and good conversation. You make a date to go on an activity which is centered on a shared interest…WITH CLOTHES ON. The “date” can start off with someone (either you or him) suggesting that you get together and see _____ (exhibit/movie/play) or do _____ (insert shared activity/interest here). From there you build a rapport- find out what one another likes, dislikes, and how they respond in different situations. It’s not as hard as you think. The key to building a great friendship with a romantic interest is the same as a great friendship you have with a friend- trust and mutual respect built upon a foundation of shared experiences and conversations.

Just remember that it’s smarter to take your time getting to know someone because you can avert disaster in various forms- baby daddies and “gifts” that keep on giving years after the gift-giver is out of the picture. Who knows…you may find that you aren’t even that interested after a couple dates, or that you’re “soulmates” (which is another post for another day). Either way, you’ll have enough information to make an informed decision. Good luck! Happy trails…

Bari

If you have questions for Bari, please email them to askbari@gmail.com.

The Information Age, the endless amount of social networking sites, our education, careers and extracurricular activities make the fact that there are only 24 hours in a day seem daunting. We have to fulfill our responsibilities to our supervisors, professors, landlords and credit card companies and remember to set aside time for a social life and the sometimes forgotten sleep. We make sure we aren’t losing our minds in the process while checking in to see how those close to us are doing. There is a lot going on in the lives of twenty-something’s, we are finding our voices, figuring out who we truly are and how we want to live our lives, thinking of the kind of legacy we want to leave for the next generation while looking good and having fun at the same time. So, how do we balance our relationships with our self-improvement and everything else in our lives?

First, we need to forgive. When I was in college, I was stressed out about 85% of the time. I habitually procrastinated on my schoolwork and combined with my AIM and Facebook obsessions, I was almost always overwhelmed with work; not to mention my extra-curricular activities. It’s important to forgive ourselves for all those times that we put our jobs, schoolwork or other commitments and habits before friends and family. No one can change what has happened in the past so it’s best to focus less on what could or should have been done. Instead we should work on what can be done now to strengthen our relationships today. Let go of the past and look forward.

Realize that keeping in touch with people does not have to be an overwhelming task. I used to feel like I had to call my whole family every day and visit close friends all the time but realistically that is not possible. It may not be feasible to keep in touch with everyone we are close to every single day and that is okay, but every little bit counts. For instance, if you know a friend’s birthday is coming up, send an e-card, leave a sweet or silly voicemail, or make a card to give to him/her. If you know a special day for someone is coming up like an audition, interview, anniversary or the like, you can write a short note or e-mail of encouragement in between a break at work or class or give the person a call when you get home from work. Short notes, text messages or e-mails can take anywhere from a few seconds to a few minutes to compose and that may be all you need.

Our responsibilities are important because they pay the bills, may eventually result in credentials to add to our resumes or help us to become more intelligent, creative and fulfilled individuals. However, as humans we are meant to be around people, and meant to have and cherish our relationships. It is essential to work on being better individuals and it is sometimes necessary to set aside alone time to reflect and relax. However, a lot of what makes us better people comes from our experiences with those around us.

We cannot always know what people may be going through at any given time. A smile, thank you card, an e-mail just saying we’re thinking of someone, a few hours to just hang out or a phone call may be what is needed to give a person hope or make him/her feel special. And who knows, we may feel better after doing one of those things. We can be successful, SASSY and have great relationships, sometimes we just have to make time for it all.

-Rox