Domestic abuse is an issue that gets sympathy but remains insignificant until it affects you personally. However, as distant as it may seem, it is important to protect yourself and those around you from it before it has the opportunity to get too close for comfort.

The Spring 2009 issue of Her Journey touched on the issue of domestic violence with the help and wisdom of Sil Lai Abrams, a survivor of domestic violence turned women’s empowerment coach. Recent events in the media have shown us that domestic violence is certainly an issue that hits closer to home. October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Her Journey has accepted it as part of our responsibility to support this movement.

First, knowing exactly how to define domestic abuse can diminish common misconceptions and better prepare you to identify it before falling victim to it.

According to helpguide.org domestic abuse “occurs when one person in an intimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the other person [sometimes using] fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and gain complete power over you.”

Misconceptions:

1. It’s not domestic abuse if he doesn’t hit you.

Abuse comes in many forms, including verbal (name calling), emotional and sexual, all warning signs of what could eventually become physical.

1. It is only domestic abuse if you are married.

Abusive behavior in any intimate relationship, boyfriend/girlfriend, same-sex, etc., is domestic abuse and should not be tolerated. Domestic abuse can even occur after a relationship has ended.

1. Only women can be victims of domestic abuse.

Although it is more common and severe for female victims, men, too, can be victims of domestic abuse.

Okay, now we know exactly what it is, but how serious is it?

The National Domestic Violence Hotline website shares several startling statistics:

• According to CDC Behavioral Risk Factor Surveillance System Survey 2005, 1 in 4 women in the U.S. are victims of domestic abuse at some point in their lives
• 1 out of 3 women around the world has been beaten, coerced into sex or otherwise abused during her lifetime.[1]

What struck an even deeper nerve was finding out that:

• Liz Claiborne Inc. Teen Relationship Abuse Survey 2006 reported that 14% of teens said they would do almost anything to keep a boyfriend or girlfriend.
• 20% of those who have been in a serious relationship have been hit, slapped, or pushed by a boyfriend or girlfriend.
• 1 in 5 female high school students reports being physically and/or sexually abused by a dating partner. Abused girls are significantly more likely to get involved in other risky behaviors. They are 4 to 6 times more likely to get pregnant and 8 to 9 times more likely to have tried to commit suicide.[2]

These statistics could make your heart stop:

• According to the CDC Adverse Health Conditions and Health Risk Behaviors Associated with Intimate Partner Violence – United States 2005, each year, IPV results in an estimated 1,200 deaths and 2 million injuries among women and nearly 600,000 injuries among men.

An abusive relationship can be a very difficult situation to escape, which is why it is terribly important to prevent it from onset.

• The simplest rule: if you are unhappy in a relationship, it is not for you. (I’m not implying that all unhappy situations will result in domestic abuse, but if you are unhappy, you need to reevaluate the relationship.
• Be aware of the warning signs:
  • What kind of relationship did he witness? Many abusers witnessed domestic abuse among their own parents.
  • How does he handle anger? Men are naturally more aggressive than women, but it is important that he know how to handle that anger properly.
  • Persistence and disregard for what you say may seem like insignificant details in the beginning but are signs of someone who will do what they have to to get what they want.

Don’t making excuses for him:

• “He loves me. He just has a bad temper.” “It’s not his fault. His dad was abusive.” “He needs me. He’s hurting.” His pain is not your problem to mend, especially if he’s hurting you/not at the cost of your own well-being.
• “He’ll hurt me if I try to leave” But he’ll hurt you if you stay, repeatedly. It may be difficult and intimidating to leave but you can find support that is greater than him.
• “He promised it won’t happen again.” I would only advise considering giving him a second (and only a second, not third) chance after professional help.
• According to Allstate Foundation National Poll on Domestic Violence 2004, 3 out of 4 (74%) respondents personally know someone who is or has been a victim of domestic violence.
• 1 in 3 teens report knowing a friend or peer who has been hit, punched, slapped, choked or physically hurt by his/her partner.[3]

If your friend is in an unhealthy situation, you need to snap her out of her blissful fantasy and encourage her to find her own strength to leave.

The relief of leaving the situation will be a victorious feeling like no other, but I do advise seeking professional assistance to help you to love yourself, your friends, loved ones and another again. Now I’m not telling you to write the next Diary of a Mad Black Woman or reenact Jennifer Lopez’s character in Enough, but I strongly encourage self-defense to keep yourself protected.

Read other stories of victory: Juanita Bynum, Robin Givens

There are ample resources for information and support:

helpguide.org; endabuse.org; National Domestic Violence Hotline (800.799.7233)

For the entire month of October, Jewish Women International blog will be sharing stories of those who have survived and overcome domestic abuse.

I was gonna go to bed – had a long day at school, stressed out and tired.  I was reading more tweets about Derrion Albert and got worked up all over again.  Then I read another article on CNN about the murder and how they’re trying these 4 teens as adults and I get to bottom and read

Albert’s aunt, Rose Braxton, told CNN affiliate WGN-TV that the family was hurt again when a memorial in Albert’s honor was burned down.

“To go and burn a memorial after such tragedy, then that just speaks for itself to what kind of people they are,” she told WGN-TV.

Pardon my french (and sorry Mom because I know you read this) but WHAT THE FUCK?

What is wrong with us?  How you gonna be fighting some rival “gang” and then just beat down other kids who happen to be outside.  How you gonna clobber people with railroad ties (where in the world did they even get those)?!  How do you stomp someone’s head? Repeatedly.  Apparently both “gangs” beat on Derrion, which shows they don’t even know who in the world their “enemies” are.  What is wrong with these kids?

So now kids can’t even leave school without worrying about getting beaten down to a bloody pulp?  Kids can’t stand outside their community center anymore? What the fuck?

We can’t even mourn people who were killed?  We have to now worry if the memorial we create for our loved one is going to be BURNED down because some “gang” members are upset their homeboys are in jail.

It’s enough.  It’s too much.  It’s senseless.

I don’t even know what the answer is.  People want to blame the parents.  I used to do that until my brother went through his “I’m a thug/I wanna join a gang and be an asshole” phase.  My mom raised both of us in the ‘burbs.  She sent both of us to private school.  She’s involved in his life and constantly keeps him involved in sports so he’d have no time for that foolishness.  But somehow his sophomore year in college he got in with the wrong crowd and lost his ever loving mind.  He was out of control.  For once in my life, I was scared of my little brother.  It was truly a dark time.  I don’t know what brought him back – disappointment from his family, disapproval from his peers, hell, maybe even God.  I don’t know what bought him back but I’m thankful it did.

My other brother, not so sure where that will end.  Do I love him?  Of course.  Is he a good kid?  Around me he is.  Do I think he could get caught up in a group mentality and do something completely stupid and senseless and violent.  Yes.  And that’s what scares me.  These kids out here terrorizing Chicago, and New York and Newark and Hartford are our brothers.  They are our sons.  And we gotta figure out a way to bring them back.  Because this shit has got to stop.

Nas wrote a letter to these “warriors” telling them “killing is played out.”  Bow Wow made a video telling kids to increase the peace and urged his celebrity peers to speak out.  I hope other men that these kids look up to also condemn this senseless violence.  I know open letters and PSAs aren’t going to do much.  But at least they show these men that yes, you are hurt and upset about the hand you’ve been dealt, but you gotta handle things differently.

I’ll end with this video courtesy of Baratunde of Jack and Jill – This is not normal.

peace,
e.

What is it gonna take for us to take domestic violence seriously?  So today Beat Her Down Chris Brown issued a truly pathetic (and heavily scripted) apology to his fans.   It’s too lame for me to post it on my site, but you can watch it here. Why so late, his lawyer advised him not to. I’m sure.  So Chris Brown is looking all solemn and we’re just supposed to forgive him and carry on.

Apparently a lot of women, some with daughters have.  Man on twitter, I’m about to lose my mind.  Women saying “He’s just a kid!” (18 is an adult).  Why should one accident ruin his career? Because that “accident” nearly killed someone and because he’s a role model to some kids.  I mean, are we for real?  Why are Black women the loudest ones calling for us to be calm and forgiving to a man who will choke you out and leave you in an abandoned car?  Why are we forgiving a dude who’s rocking a big chain that says “oops” on it?  Be for real,  he’s not sorry.  He hasn’t changed.  He most likely will beat down another woman.  And some of ya’ll will still be crying for patience and forgiveness.

He talked to his pastor and his mother.  That doesn’t sound like the heavy duty counseling your abusive self needs to go to.  That’s not going to change your mindset and calm whatever rage you have inside of you.

It just makes no sense.  What do you think?

</rant>

peace,
e.

Damn, I was out of the country for most of last week and apparently I missed a lot.

My heart hurts for Jennifer and Julia Hudson.  To lose a mother and brother in a day is heartbreaking.  To lose them because your ex (husband?) is crazy is earth shattering.  It probably shouldn’t be surprising that William Balfour was capable of this, the man did serve 7 years for attempted murder. But… damn.

And this morning they found Julian King, in the SUV William stole from Jason (Jennifer and Julia’s brother). [editor’s note: Julian was found with multiple gun shots wounds, including one to the head. )

I can’t comprehend this.  We wrote about domestic violence earlier in the year.  This case is so extreme.

I know this story would not have gotten as much press as it did if Jennifer Hudson was just some random sista from Chicago.  I know they would not have issued an Amber Alert for Julian if he wasn’t a super star’s nephew.  Hell last week they wouldn’t issue an Amber Alert for an 8 month pregnant 12 year old. (wtf?!)

Violence in our community is so common.  Violence against women and children is so common.  I’m relieved that this story got a lot of press coverage, no matter the reason. And I’m relieved most of the questions have been answered, except maybe for the “why?”.  They say Juilia and William were going through a brutal separation. It’s no reason for all this.

My heart still hurts.  A moment of silence for Jennifer and Julia Hudson and their family.

peace,
e.

I know, I know. I’m so late on it but I finally got around to watching the Family that Prays together the other day and finally got to see that scene everyone’s been blogging about.  My question is this, why is there always violence against women in Tyler Perry’s movies?  And real talk, I hadn’t really noticed how consistent it was until my boss brought it up.  You have the choking scene in Why Did I get Married?  The (very painful to watch) scenes where ole dude throws out his wife is Diary of a Mad Black Woman.  And the worst part was how people cheered during these scenes.  It was disgusting.  The applause, like it’s ok to beat your wife if she’s cheating.  It’s never ok to resort to physical violence.

Tyler, we know you had a rough childhood, hell you even had a rough young adulthood.  You talk about taking responsibility, so be responsible with with you put out into the world.  Last night my friend said she had given Tyler Perry his last chance, I think I may have too.

Speak on it.

peace,
e.

I often come in contact with families dealing with domestic violence (DV) in my work. With every encounter, I am shocked by the “blame the victim” messages I hear, often from the systems survivors use to try to get help. As a result, many survivors believe it’s their fault, if they had done something different, the violence would not have occurred. I’m tired of the “blame the victim” game. Rather than putting the responsibility for intimate partner violence on the victim, we must 1) understand the issue and our collective responsibility for addressing it; 2) empower survivors to get help in order to stay safe; and 3) hold the aggressors accountable. If you are in a violent relationship or you know someone who is, I hope this article will be helpful. Even if you are not personally affected by domestic violence, you can play a role in stopping it. You’ll find some ideas and strategies here, too.

Get informed.
One in every four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime. Nationally and internationally, domestic violence affects people of every age, race, class, religious background, and sexual orientation. The same is true for gender, though 73% of all victims of family violence are female. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence , women constitute 84% of victims of spousal abuse and 86% of victims of abuse at the hands of boyfriends. DV is not just physical, but emotional, verbal, sexual, psychological, and financial/economic. It is about power and control, about manipulation and isolation. It is not about anger and rage. Why? Because most batterers do not hurt anyone other than their partners, are able to stop when it is to their advantage to do so, and only inflict wounds where they won’t show. Furthermore, we must think of relationship abuse as more than individual and isolated instances of violence and instead as “an enduring, chronic, traumatic experience that shapes women’s behavior, distorts their view of self, and undermines their belief in the controllability of their own lives”(Smith et al, 1995, 180).

Know what to look for.
Do you think you might be experiencing abuse, or do you know someone who is? Here are some warning signs of abuse relationships.

Know your rights.
The Violence Against Women Act (VAWA), passed by the U.S federal government in 1994, made domestic violence and sexual assault crimes. As a result, there are legal means by which survivors can obtain protection through family, criminal, and civil court. Furthermore, cities and states have their own protections in place for survivors of domestic violence. For example, in New York City, it is illegal for employers to discriminate against survivors of domestic violence, sexual assault or stalking. Employers must provide reasonable accommodations to survivors of such violence that may be used for safety planning (i.e. varied hours, a different phone number, etc). Check your state or city code for specific legislation for survivors of domestic violence. Call one of the hotlines listed below to get connected to legal support, counseling, emergency housing, and other resources.

It is not your fault.
Love is not violent. No one deserves to be hit, controlled, humiliated, or isolated by someone who claims to love her (or him). You have the right to be safe, to feel valued, and to make choices about your own life. If you are in a violent relationship or you know someone who is, seek help. Utilize the resources listed below or find someone trustworthy (a friend, co-worker, teacher, counselor, medical provider) in whom you can confide. If a friend discloses violence, listen without judgment and help her (or him) make a safety plan that covers staying in the relationship or leaving, depending on what the survivor wants. Most importantly, make sure s/he knows s/he is not alone.

Get help.
If you are in a violent relationship, you don’t have to deal with by yourself. Here are some sources of help and more information:

Safe Horizon Domestic Violence Hotline: 800.621.HOPE (4678) (New York City)

National DV Hotline: 800.799.SAFE (7233)

NYC Gay and Lesbian Anti-Violence Center Hotline: 212.714.1141 (www.avp.org)

Rape and Incest National Network: 800.656.3000 (www.rainn.org)

Family Violence Prevention Fund (www.endabuse.org)

United States Department of Justice Office on Violence Against Women (www.ovw.usdoj.gov)

Get involved.
We all share a collective responsibility for ending intimate partner violence. We must hold men (and women) accountable for violent language and actions. We must speak up when we see attitudes or behaviors that degrade women. We can donate time, money or materials (such as old cell phones) to anti-violence organizations that provide services to survivors and their families. We can get involved in women’s or men’s organizations that share a collective mission to topple the oppressive systems that perpetuate all forms of violence. Check out www.feminist.org , www.mencanstoprape.org , or The National Organization for Men Against Sexism (www.nomas.org). We can write to our legislators about the issue and urge them to pass anti-violence and batterer accountability laws. Do you have other ideas? Feel free to post them here!