Seriously I do not get the point of all these stupid articles breaking down why Black women are less likely to get married than their White counterparts, most recently Ralph Richard Banks’ piece in the Wall Street Journal.  Unless these articles start offering a husband to go along with it, they need to stop.  Reading the percentages of how unlikely I am to get married, the poor “marriage market” (I hate mixing economics with love) and how Black men are living it up with every color under the rainbow but Black does nothing for my day or my life.

They aren’t telling me anything new, although they are contradicting what I’m seeing in my life.  I actually have seen three new Black on Black relationships start and flourish over this year.  I expect to go to three Black on Black weddings within the next two years.  In the article, it stats that 70% of Black women are unmarried, I thought this number was really high, so I started looking on the Census’s website to find it.  I found that about 70% of women between the ages of 25 to 29 are single, but for all Black women (over the age of 15) 45.5% of Black women are unmarried*.  This statistic shows that almost half of us aren’t married yet, but that that means about half of us are married or have been married.  While we can argue that 45% is still a large percentage, it’s nowhere as large as 70%.

Not getting married is not the worst thing in that could happen to someone.  Yes I know most of us want to get married but let’s think about the reasons why we aren’t married now.  We have chosen not to settle for someone that doesn’t share our values, doesn’t make us happy or some other very important and valid reason.  There is nothing wrong with that.  Would you rather be single and live happily ever after or get married (because you felt you had to) and be miserable with a man?  Come on now, we’re better than that.

But back to the topic at hand – these articles and books?  How many times must we read about “the crisis?”  And that fact that ole boy who wrote the WSJ article is a Black men?  Come on dude, you’re better than that.  He talks about men having too many choices and instead of calling them out and telling them to just make a decision and lock it down (I’m assuming he’s juggling Black women, although I guess he could be juggling the rainbow) you say Black women just have to deal with that.  Stop right now.  Let’s not act like it doesn’t take two Black people to form a Black marriage.

Yes, he does raise valid points about why our numbers are skewed and why available Black men might not be desirable to Black women.  But instead of tackling the issues of why Black men are disproportionally incarcerated or not obtaining education at the same rate as Black women, we instead are told to date men of other races.  I understand why Black women are loyal to Black men, who else is?  And if  a Black women chooses to only date Black men, knowing full well the odds are against her, that’s her business.  She knows what risks she is taking and she doesn’t need to be bombarded with messages that she’s living mission impossible (even though I don’t believe it’s that drastic and dire).   Besides with a divorce rate at approximately 50% it looks like we’re dodging an emotional and financial bullet because most of us end up at the same place – not married.

peace,
e.

*source: U.S. Census Bureau, America’s Families and Living Arrangements: 2010: Table A1 Blacks alone or in combination with one of more other races

I was gonna go to bed – had a long day at school, stressed out and tired.  I was reading more tweets about Derrion Albert and got worked up all over again.  Then I read another article on CNN about the murder and how they’re trying these 4 teens as adults and I get to bottom and read

Albert’s aunt, Rose Braxton, told CNN affiliate WGN-TV that the family was hurt again when a memorial in Albert’s honor was burned down.

“To go and burn a memorial after such tragedy, then that just speaks for itself to what kind of people they are,” she told WGN-TV.

Pardon my french (and sorry Mom because I know you read this) but WHAT THE FUCK?

What is wrong with us?  How you gonna be fighting some rival “gang” and then just beat down other kids who happen to be outside.  How you gonna clobber people with railroad ties (where in the world did they even get those)?!  How do you stomp someone’s head? Repeatedly.  Apparently both “gangs” beat on Derrion, which shows they don’t even know who in the world their “enemies” are.  What is wrong with these kids?

So now kids can’t even leave school without worrying about getting beaten down to a bloody pulp?  Kids can’t stand outside their community center anymore? What the fuck?

We can’t even mourn people who were killed?  We have to now worry if the memorial we create for our loved one is going to be BURNED down because some “gang” members are upset their homeboys are in jail.

It’s enough.  It’s too much.  It’s senseless.

I don’t even know what the answer is.  People want to blame the parents.  I used to do that until my brother went through his “I’m a thug/I wanna join a gang and be an asshole” phase.  My mom raised both of us in the ‘burbs.  She sent both of us to private school.  She’s involved in his life and constantly keeps him involved in sports so he’d have no time for that foolishness.  But somehow his sophomore year in college he got in with the wrong crowd and lost his ever loving mind.  He was out of control.  For once in my life, I was scared of my little brother.  It was truly a dark time.  I don’t know what brought him back – disappointment from his family, disapproval from his peers, hell, maybe even God.  I don’t know what bought him back but I’m thankful it did.

My other brother, not so sure where that will end.  Do I love him?  Of course.  Is he a good kid?  Around me he is.  Do I think he could get caught up in a group mentality and do something completely stupid and senseless and violent.  Yes.  And that’s what scares me.  These kids out here terrorizing Chicago, and New York and Newark and Hartford are our brothers.  They are our sons.  And we gotta figure out a way to bring them back.  Because this shit has got to stop.

Nas wrote a letter to these “warriors” telling them “killing is played out.”  Bow Wow made a video telling kids to increase the peace and urged his celebrity peers to speak out.  I hope other men that these kids look up to also condemn this senseless violence.  I know open letters and PSAs aren’t going to do much.  But at least they show these men that yes, you are hurt and upset about the hand you’ve been dealt, but you gotta handle things differently.

I’ll end with this video courtesy of Baratunde of Jack and Jill – This is not normal.

peace,
e.

let’s do this

Tomorrow’s leaders. sounds positive. i like this already

Letoya and Jeromy and BK and the salvation army.  Journey for Change sounds awesome. Two weeks of volunteer work in South Africa will definitely give you some perspective.  I hadn’t thought about travel building confidence before. Interesting concept.

OF COURSE THE BOYS DON’T WANNA GO. they wanna play basketball. and here go the stereotypes.  his backup plan is to be a lawyer but he has bad grads. OF COURSE.

… and his father is in jail. and now we’re back in black in America 1.

I’m glad Malaak is looking at more than grades to determine who should come.  As it’s already been stated, the drop out rate is 50%.  We can imagine what the grades are like before these kids drop out.

poor Letoya

i love it. “You can solve the problems with a big ole check.” -Soledad. “No you can’t.” -Malaak  Thank you.  Throwing money at a problem does not solve it.

i like that she doesn’t give up on the difficult boys. Jeremy and Jonathan would definitely have been written off by a less patient and understanding person.

(wait why is the chris brown photo framed?!?!)

Sweet they are learning zulu.  So they won’t be ignorant to this new culture. I love it.  I really wish more kids could have an experience like this.  I’m glad I got something similar when I was in college.

Competition is the way to get these young men out of their shells.  I wonder how this concept could be expanded to get young black men to engage in other arenas *cough* education *cough*

I hope that these kids can understand that even though they have it rough in America, people have it much worse (and are still hopeful).

dang that was a long day

Jeremy’s father is in jail and Jeremy doesn’t want to talk to him.  Reminds me of my brother.  He gets that he doesn’t want to turn out like his father but doesn’t want to talk to him to understand where his dad went wrong.  I’m glad that the father wants to be involved but it’s unfortunate that being incarcerated is probably a big reason why he’s in touch.

i hope that this experience stays with them when they come back to the states. i hope they can remain hopeful for their future. i hope they can appreciate what they have, even if it isn’t much. i hope they do a follow up so we can see where these kids are in a year or so.

but are these kids gonna see Black people who are middle class or rich or HIV- in South Africa?  I mean, let’s show the real south africa.

a one year commitment? word? how will they serve others? something meaningful perhaps. aw they’re helping a south african girl. i wonder why they couldn’t help other americans.  give back. i mean it’s good that they’re helping someone, but it would be helpful if they learned to help themselves.

so Jonathan improves his grades so he can get a basketball scholarship?!

And Jeremy is still not doing well in school. failing math and social studies and science.  jeez. Malaak stop making excuses for his poor academic standing.  All these experiences are not improving his grades.  And now we blame the father in jail.  It’s frustrating when children who have potential to shine don’t.  Why doesn’t this show examine how to get Jeremy back on track?

And Letoya sores.  I mean we already know girls are more likely to go to college, so we assume girls are more likely to gradate from high school.  CNN, this is nothing new.

it would be nice if we could empower our kids on US schools.

I’d appreciate a switch to focusing on America now.

Steve Perry and CT. whoot whoot.  oh wow a personal greeting each morning? wow. Capitol Press is impressive already.  How did I not knw about this school.  The details do matter. thank you.  it’s important to have high expectations and hold students to them. “every child that goes to capital prep goes to college. period.” let the church say amen.  with all that school, i can see why they have an 100% graduation rate.  And the partnership is so important. it’s nice that they can get a sneak peek into college life.  let them see that it’s not soo different.

yes standardized test scores do not predict college grades. thats been shown many times already.  their grades in a college class is a much better measure.

kicked out of preschool? and now a principal. wow. “it just came to a point where it wasn’t cool any more.” a lot of kids don’t get to that point.

i’m glad to see a success story.  thank you CNN. oh a MSW! holler!

“the only way to win is to play longer and harder than anyone else.” -Steve Perry.  that motto could work for everything.

well it takes a lot of work to run a school like this. he wakes up at 4 and drives kids to school.  this is crazy.  that is dedication.

pubic school funding with a prep school attitude. i love it.

i had no idea the education gap was so large in CT.  so sad and frustrating.  you would need to go to school every day to bring kids up to their current grade level.  dedicated teachers are important.  it’s also important to give those kids of teachers appropriate funding as well though.

oh yes, parents do need to be involved.  yes i know they are busy working but this is your kid’s future. make the time. and go to the freaking pta meeting.

wow he does all this and then takes care of his kids. dedication. glad to see a positive portrayal of a black father.

the principal as a father? i like the idea but i wish that the parents would be more involved.

arg now the drug abusing mom and alcoholic dad. arg. dangit CNN.  so the principal saves the day and the parents just sit and chill? such frustration.

dang i’m stressed watching this interview.  wow she is being so candid.  she took abuse to protect her younger.  and she got into college! yay.

that’s so unfortunate that her family gets in the way of her success. teens should not have stress like that. i’m glad she preserved in spite of her family drama.  i’m glad that she had the support to succeed.

well at least we can see some middle/upper class black folks. this dude isn’t accepted anywhere.  the black afluent. an inside look! the tuxedo ball. uhm lady be for real, it’s exclusive. and i guess that’s fine. but just accept it. of course racism affects rich black people, they’re still black! whomp.

Mia Jackson – changing the game?  successful black woman.  now we see where a mentor could have been very helpful.  she was successful but didn’t know what to do next. so she quits her job to do an internship program so she can learn to become a CEO.  John Rice is teaching these young people the skills they won’t learn in school.   “You can never use race as an excuse or as a band aid.” preach.  management leadership for tomorrow. wow.

step 1 – know your story
step 2 – articulate your goals/your passion
step 3 – build important relationships

they’re doing all this in 4 days? I’m confused.  Is this an ad for this program or a documentary on Black in America? [this segment continues until 11]  I’m glad Mia Jackson got into business school.

and now we’re talking about John Legend? i missed something.

final thoughts: This was ok.  I’m glad that they showed some middle class and even affluent Black people.  I wasn’t digging the rich kid’s ending talking bout “I didn’t ask to be born rich!” dude just stop right there, accept your priveilege and don’t act crazy.  I like the focus on education and the things we’ll do to get it.  Towards the end it really was an MLT commercial and I was not digging that.  Maybe if they had shown other pre-professinal degree programs that would have made more sense.  I don’t know.  To be honest, it was just really random to me.  Tonight’s segment didn’t really flow, i wasn’t really sure what was going on until the end.  this segment was supposed to show who’s shaping future leaders.  I guess that’s an interesting premise, but they should just change the title of the show because when i hear black in america i’m expecting something on black people in general.  I think perhaps, this is CNN’s attempt to provide some solutions to all the problems they discussed in BIA1?  Overall, it was pretty meh to me.

What did you think?

I just can’t help but wonder how this would have played out if the man was a person of color? I’m just saying.

e.

at the hands of the police. I hadn’t read my google reader in a few days, and I first came across the story over at postbougie. A quick google search provided no actual news, except for blogs. I’m so pissed.

The story: around 2 am on New Years a few brown men were pulled off the train for an altercation. some were handcuffed, others weren’t. among those not handcuffed was 22 year old Oscar Grant. Apparently Mr. Grant was pleaded with the cops to not taser him, when they put him face down on the ground and shot him. Don’t believe me? It was caught on tape by two different people.

Granted it’s on a camera phone, you can still clearly see a cop holding Oscar down and another cop shotting him. What’s more crazy is that are MAD people watching, inside the train and on the platform. It’s just soo brazen I can’t believe it.

Of course the cops are trying to argue that he was trying to pull out his taser gun and mistakenly pulled out a gun. I’m sorry but a taser gun looks different than a real gun. Very different. And the worse part is that like Rodney King, these cops will probably be acquitted.

I finally found the story on CNN. Do a search for Oscar Grant and the first story is how the cop is getting death threats. Then you see the story about Oscar himself. Enough. American needs to start caring about Black men anf it needs to start now.

e.

cross posted at evahaldane.com

I have many thoughts about Prop 8.  Where to even begin?  To be blunt, it pisses me off and disappoints me.  The irony of taking away a segment’s Civil Rights on the very same day we did the seemingly impossible, it kills me. 70% of Black voters voted yes on Prop 8.  To me, that’s heartbreaking.  How are we going to take away another’s Civil Rights? How are we going to tell people who they can marry when just got the “right” to marry white people only 41 years ago?  And I’m saying it’s all Black people’s fault, but those numbers don’t work out that way, but we certainly didn’t help.

I though Oberlin spoke eloquently about it.  If it doesn’t affect you, why do you care?

But that’s what I think.  What about you?

peace,
e.

I know, I know. I’m so late on it but I finally got around to watching the Family that Prays together the other day and finally got to see that scene everyone’s been blogging about.  My question is this, why is there always violence against women in Tyler Perry’s movies?  And real talk, I hadn’t really noticed how consistent it was until my boss brought it up.  You have the choking scene in Why Did I get Married?  The (very painful to watch) scenes where ole dude throws out his wife is Diary of a Mad Black Woman.  And the worst part was how people cheered during these scenes.  It was disgusting.  The applause, like it’s ok to beat your wife if she’s cheating.  It’s never ok to resort to physical violence.

Tyler, we know you had a rough childhood, hell you even had a rough young adulthood.  You talk about taking responsibility, so be responsible with with you put out into the world.  Last night my friend said she had given Tyler Perry his last chance, I think I may have too.

Speak on it.

peace,
e.

Now I know I wasn’t the only inspired by Michelle Obama’s speech last night.

But I was troubled by the reason she had to make the speech. People are afraid of Michelle Obama and she has spent the past few months trying to explain who she and her husband are, where they came from and assure the general public that they are safe.

It is not easy to stereotype the Obamas. Unlike many other who come from single mother households, Barack got married, then had children and is a very devoted father. Unlike many others who come from impoverished neighborhoods, Michelle (and her brother) stayed in school and graduated from Ivy League institutions. Unlike many others who manage to make it out the hood and avoid it for as long as they can, both Michelle and Barack brought their education back to the neediest of neighborhoods and attempted to create change. Unlike other Black males in politics, Barack has not cheated on his wife (yeah I’m looking at you Jesse and Kwame). And yet, all these things make them somehow suspect.

It’s frustrating to hear people question if the Obama’s are Black enough. Lord knows according to CNN they are not- they are not poor (but real talk, if you both graduated from Harvard Law School, you shouldn’t be poor or even middle class), they are very educated, they are married, and they are healthy. Michelle questioned, if she’s not Black enough, what does that mean. Shouldn’t we aspire for greatness in our lives, even if we hit a few stumbling blocks along the way?

Michelle and Barack are the American dream. They have done everything many conservatives think, and many liberals hope, people of color should do – get an education, excel, get a job, excel, get married, take care of your kids and do good. Shouldn’t this be something we are proud of? Shouldn’t that actually be the norm? (Maybe that’s another post).

I can admit that I hadn’t paid as much attention to the presidential race before, but I know that no other candidates have had to explain so much about themselves before. McCain is always crying about how the Obamas get so much press but the tidbits that I hear about him and his wife trouble me. Cindy McCain is a recovering addict, and yet we feel the need to put Michelle Obama under the microscope. McCain doesn’t know how many houses he and his wife own, if that isn’t on some out-of-touch, super celebrity, mega rich ish, I don’t know what is. And please don’t get me started on the McCain courtship because it involves cheating and divorce. Give me a break.

In the end, when Barack came on the screen, you could see his daughters’ eyes light up. You could see Michelle glow. You could feel the love. It was sincere and it was powerful. And I totally feel in love with the Obamas again last night.

peace,
e.

Michelle Intro Video – Thanks Bari

crossposted @ evahaldane.com

we’d rank #16 in the world for the number of men and women with HIV/AIDS, according to the Black AIDS Institute. Today’s New York TImes reports that if Black America were it’s own country, we’d rand 105th on life expectancy. This is a real problem.

Nearly 600,000 African-Americans are living with H.I.V., the virus that causes AIDS, and up to 30,000 are becoming infected each year. When adjusted for age, their death rate is two and a half times that of infected whites, the report said.

I mean, really? How do people get AIDS anymore? (don’t answer that). And it gets worse,

The Black AIDS Institute took note of that program in criticizing the administration’s efforts at home. The group said that more black Americans were living with the AIDS virus than the infected populations in Botswana, Ethiopia, Guyana, Haiti, Namibia, Rwanda or Vietnam — 7 of the 15 countries that receive support from the administration’s anti-AIDS program.

Why do we have a better grip on AIDS as an international problem than a domestic one? Why is there plan? Why are there no goals? (don’t answer those either) The AIDS epidemic in this country really gets me worked up. While attend grad school I interned at an Infectious Disease (read: AIDS) clinic. I handled intake for the newly infected, and it was not easy. Everyone was brown, granted I was in the Bronx, but it was really disheatening. Old women, young men, pregnant women, people who felt they couldn’t share their status with anyone.

I’m going to have a Bill Cosby moment and say “Come on people!” We need to get it together because this disease is wiping us out.

The federal government and communities needed to promote more testing among all people, particularly blacks, to detect H.I.V. infection in its earliest stages when treatment is more effective, Dr. Gayle said.

I read that quote and then I read what YBPG had to say about trying to get tested and all I can do is roll my eyes. I had a similar experience that last time I went to get tested for HIV. Essentially I was told that I didn’t need to be tested but I insisted. Yeah telling Black people to not get tested will REALLY lower the AIDS rate. *rolls eyes*

The article continues on and talks about the need to promote needle exchange programs – this is sounding so CNN Black in America right now. How about promoting healthy dialogs with sexual partners? How about promoting HIV tests when men are released from prison?

</steps off soap box>

To read the full report, click here.
For more depressing statistics about AIDS in the Black community, check out the CDC website.
Want to get tested? Click here to find testing site locations nationwide.

peace,
e.

In the highly anticipated yet grossly diluted (this is solely my opinion) CNN series “Black in America”, Michael Eric Dyson stated that he feels that he was afforded more opportunities to have a flourishing, prosperous life than his brother because Eric is of a lighter hue and his brother is darker….and thus incarcerated. The “rapper” Yung Berg went public with his preference for light-skinned women over dark-skinned women. The producer Polow da Don has been long accused of shunning black women completely and targeting white women as potential mates, although he actually prefers “white women with a little black in them and black women with a little white in them” (whatever that means). It’s the year 2008, and “colorism” is still an issue that the African- American race deals with. Is it as big of a deal as we make it out to be? Or are we not focusing on it enough?

Who says beauty, intelligence, and prosperity belongs only to African-Americans of a lighter hue? I’ve heard darker African-American females “hate on” lighter African-American females because they feel that men prefer them with their light skin and “wet and wear” curly hair. An African-American male has once said to me that he thinks that “light-skinned women are crazy…they think the world owes them something because they think they are cute.” Is life really harder for those of us who are darker? I can name several darker African-Americans, including myself, who’ve succeeded without scratching and surviving on an extreme level. Oprah Winfrey. Michael Jordan. Condoleezza Rice. Perhaps anything worth having is based on one’s ability to perform vs. what he or she looks like. There are also lighter African-Americans who’ve had unfortunate situations occur in their lives, past and present. Rosa Parks was asked to sit in the back of the bus like all other African-Americans, and Halle Berry has yet to have a successful marriage. She’s been beaten on and cheated on. Can it get any worse than that?

So, when are we going to stop pointing the finger at others and blaming each other for where we are and how we feel about ourselves? Dyson’s brother isn’t incarcerated because he’s darker. He’s incarcerated due to decisions that he made and activities that he chose to participate in. Is it that Sarah wasn’t offered the job because she’s dark, or because she doesn’t interview well? If that guy passes you over because you are darker, then is that someone that you really need to put your energy and effort into? You are where you are based on decisions you’ve made, regardless of what the influence may have been. Own it.

In my opinion, “colorism” becomes an issue when you value what others think about you more than you value your own opinion of yourself. If you believe that you are intelligent, beautiful, and worthy of nothing less than the best, then no man, woman, child, boss, pastor, spouse, or family member should be able to easily take that away from you whether you are dark, light, black, or white. If I had to put myself in one of two buckets, I’d be in the dark-skinned bucket. As a matter of fact, my “hue bucket assignment” was addressed indirectly a few weeks ago. Case in point, I was out partying in Atlanta recently with one of my friends of a lighter hue. Her male friend says to her, “Oh, I see you have your chocolate friends out with you tonight.” Was I offended? No. Why not? Three things: self-awareness, self-acceptance, and self-love. There’s always room for improvement, and we should all strive to be better people. However, at the end of the day, in the words of Erykah Badu, “I’m alright with me.”

Learn how to block other people and their mess out on occasion, and spend time with yourself. Know yourself. Love yourself and each other. Because society is so wayward and bass-ackward, “colorism” and other “isms” will still exist; however, you’ll be in a better position to combat those negative forces and not let them chip away at your mind, body, and soul.

Build a strong foundation but realize that it starts on the inside, not the outside.

Peace,
Quiana