So back in November Essence ran an article titled “Date Like a White Girl.”   Long story short -after Melanie Sims’ boyfriend cheated on her, she decided dating like a white girl, meaning that she was going to be “footloose and free.”  According to Sims, when Black women date like every man is a potential husband.  Instead of looking for Mr. Right she starting settling for Mr. Right Now.

Now when I first read this I was on the defensive, thinking, we don’t date like that!  But, yeah some of us do.  Shoo, I do did.  I originally wrote this post in November and have been sitting on forever.  If we wanna keep it really real, I looked at basically every guy I like as a potential husband and that put pressure on everything.  I could go on tangent here and talk about all the external pressure we get to get married – especially since the media is making it out to seem like we have a better chance of flying on a unicorn over a rainbow than getting married, but I’ll save that for another day.  This is about the pressure we put on ourselves.  I wasn’t sure if I could separate these guys I was dating from the larger goal.  Poor guys, never had a chance.

This year I decided to do things differently.  After crashing and burning with two guys, I had to keep it really real with myself and admit I was doing it all wrong.  I had to consciously (and constantly) check myself with the next one.  So I did.  I went on a few dates without expectations – full disclosure: this might be because I wasn’t absolutely crazy about him.  I actually impressed myself, kept it really light, just let it be and enjoyed the moment.  For once, dating was actually fun. But now for the best part, it didn’t work out and I was fine with that.  It wasn’t a big deal, and that felt awesome.

So what say you SASSY ladies?  Do you currently date like a white girl?  Are you willing to give it a shot?

peace,
e.

Domestic abuse is an issue that gets sympathy but remains insignificant until it affects you personally. However, as distant as it may seem, it is important to protect yourself and those around you from it before it has the opportunity to get too close for comfort.

The Spring 2009 issue of Her Journey touched on the issue of domestic violence with the help and wisdom of Sil Lai Abrams, a survivor of domestic violence turned women’s empowerment coach. Recent events in the media have shown us that domestic violence is certainly an issue that hits closer to home. October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Her Journey has accepted it as part of our responsibility to support this movement.

First, knowing exactly how to define domestic abuse can diminish common misconceptions and better prepare you to identify it before falling victim to it.

According to helpguide.org domestic abuse “occurs when one person in an intimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the other person [sometimes using] fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and gain complete power over you.”

Misconceptions:

1. It’s not domestic abuse if he doesn’t hit you.

Abuse comes in many forms, including verbal (name calling), emotional and sexual, all warning signs of what could eventually become physical.

1. It is only domestic abuse if you are married.

Abusive behavior in any intimate relationship, boyfriend/girlfriend, same-sex, etc., is domestic abuse and should not be tolerated. Domestic abuse can even occur after a relationship has ended.

1. Only women can be victims of domestic abuse.

Although it is more common and severe for female victims, men, too, can be victims of domestic abuse.

Okay, now we know exactly what it is, but how serious is it?

The National Domestic Violence Hotline website shares several startling statistics:

• According to CDC Behavioral Risk Factor Surveillance System Survey 2005, 1 in 4 women in the U.S. are victims of domestic abuse at some point in their lives
• 1 out of 3 women around the world has been beaten, coerced into sex or otherwise abused during her lifetime.[1]

What struck an even deeper nerve was finding out that:

• Liz Claiborne Inc. Teen Relationship Abuse Survey 2006 reported that 14% of teens said they would do almost anything to keep a boyfriend or girlfriend.
• 20% of those who have been in a serious relationship have been hit, slapped, or pushed by a boyfriend or girlfriend.
• 1 in 5 female high school students reports being physically and/or sexually abused by a dating partner. Abused girls are significantly more likely to get involved in other risky behaviors. They are 4 to 6 times more likely to get pregnant and 8 to 9 times more likely to have tried to commit suicide.[2]

These statistics could make your heart stop:

• According to the CDC Adverse Health Conditions and Health Risk Behaviors Associated with Intimate Partner Violence – United States 2005, each year, IPV results in an estimated 1,200 deaths and 2 million injuries among women and nearly 600,000 injuries among men.

An abusive relationship can be a very difficult situation to escape, which is why it is terribly important to prevent it from onset.

• The simplest rule: if you are unhappy in a relationship, it is not for you. (I’m not implying that all unhappy situations will result in domestic abuse, but if you are unhappy, you need to reevaluate the relationship.
• Be aware of the warning signs:
  • What kind of relationship did he witness? Many abusers witnessed domestic abuse among their own parents.
  • How does he handle anger? Men are naturally more aggressive than women, but it is important that he know how to handle that anger properly.
  • Persistence and disregard for what you say may seem like insignificant details in the beginning but are signs of someone who will do what they have to to get what they want.

Don’t making excuses for him:

• “He loves me. He just has a bad temper.” “It’s not his fault. His dad was abusive.” “He needs me. He’s hurting.” His pain is not your problem to mend, especially if he’s hurting you/not at the cost of your own well-being.
• “He’ll hurt me if I try to leave” But he’ll hurt you if you stay, repeatedly. It may be difficult and intimidating to leave but you can find support that is greater than him.
• “He promised it won’t happen again.” I would only advise considering giving him a second (and only a second, not third) chance after professional help.
• According to Allstate Foundation National Poll on Domestic Violence 2004, 3 out of 4 (74%) respondents personally know someone who is or has been a victim of domestic violence.
• 1 in 3 teens report knowing a friend or peer who has been hit, punched, slapped, choked or physically hurt by his/her partner.[3]

If your friend is in an unhealthy situation, you need to snap her out of her blissful fantasy and encourage her to find her own strength to leave.

The relief of leaving the situation will be a victorious feeling like no other, but I do advise seeking professional assistance to help you to love yourself, your friends, loved ones and another again. Now I’m not telling you to write the next Diary of a Mad Black Woman or reenact Jennifer Lopez’s character in Enough, but I strongly encourage self-defense to keep yourself protected.

Read other stories of victory: Juanita Bynum, Robin Givens

There are ample resources for information and support:

helpguide.org; endabuse.org; National Domestic Violence Hotline (800.799.7233)

For the entire month of October, Jewish Women International blog will be sharing stories of those who have survived and overcome domestic abuse.

cue background music – Bobby Valentino “I’ll Forgive You”

First I have to acknowledge that relationships are not easy. Relationships take two people who want to be in and KNOW what it takes to be in a relationship. I’ve dated, “talked to”, and laid down with many men (retired professional athletes, an ivy league professor, street pharmacists, biomedical engineers, designers (Urban Outfitters), Iraq veterans, MBAs and my current boo, I can’t stunt). I must also state that the dynamics surrounding my relationships are slightly different as I am a gay African American male and therefore not a woman of color. However, many of the dynamics in my relationships are the dynamics you face in your relationships. Many of the same issues that you’ve endlessly toiled over, cried about, asked Jesus about and your girlfriends about I have too!

I could tackle many issues in this first post, but I’m going to keep it simple. The following things need to be in place in order for things to go well in your current or ooops…next relationship.

1. Be in a relationship with someone who is going to be as dedicated to it as you are.
2. You must be loyal to your partner. (i.e, stick up for him in public, even if he is wrong!  Give him your support all the time. At times when I’m critiquing I still find a way to lift my man up!)
3. Never allow yourself to take a back seat to someone else, especially if you are really helping him (emotionally, financially, socially).
4. Know your man’s friends!
5. How you got him is how you gonna keep him. (i.e, if you fucked him on the first night, you’ll prolly do it again.  It’s hard to turn a booty call into a relationship, you’re already at a loss and you’ve got to get your footing back by having a real date a.s.a.p. or else throw in the towel).
6. Know your self worth!
7. You gotta give sometimes (i.e, you hate WWF wrestling or his friends who smoke weed, girl learn to get on with the Rock and Hulk Hogan.  And the puff friends, as long as they aren’t interfering in your relationship…leave them alone. Friends can fuck your shit up!)
8. AGAIN, uplift your man! (i.e “Ahmed, you are some bullshit! You don’t even got a full time job, you working part time ain’t making no real money.” Girl, Ahmed don’t want to hear that shit. He know he is working fulltime and not making enough money.  I promise. You pointing it out is not helping, it’s making him see that you are nagging the hell out of him and that he might want to find someone else who is chill and not fuckin nagging him about stuff.) SUPPORT SUPPORT SUPPORT your man.
9. Be honest with yourself and know the situation! (Do you want your man more than he wants you? Are you fighting to make the relationship work at every turn? Are you nitpicky about too many things?)
10. You can’t change nobody! (Self explanatory, but I’ll elaborate.  Think about how hard if it to change things within yourself, like going to the gym, dieting, keeping up with friends, telling the truth, saving money, etc.  NOW think how hard it would be to change those things in someone else…who really isn’t ready or doesn’t want to change.  Moreover, apart from the transformation process in relapse he might be a mess now but by time her gets to girlfriend # 5 he might be ok. You gonna stick it out? Or you gonna go? Also he might not change, and he could relapse on #5 as well.)
11. Do ya’ll have the same goals? (Where do you think it is going?  How do you know?)
12. Do you talk to your man? Does the relationship only consist of texts and emoticons? Umm we have a problem!
13. If it’s serious you don’t have to ask your man to stop chatting with hoes or playing games.  Why?  Because he’ll stop because he will be content with you.
14. Having an ex present is not the business and it is a detriment to your relationship. If he loves that ex more, you will know!
15. No point in having a partner if you don’t have yourself! Other people can see that you’re lost, not grown or not on their level very quickly.
16. Does this person make you feel whole, make you feel better?  A good partner will know your needs, because they pay attention to you! A man who loves you knows your needs! PRAISE GOD!
17. Are you proud of your partner? Is he proud of you?
18. You say you want a bad bitch….Are you a bad bitch? You want him to be to have a car, know how to fix stuff, be educated, in shape, etc? Can you be what he asks? Can you cook? Are you in shape? Are you sociable? Are you someone he would want to introduce to his friend? (ALL OF THEM)  That’s a bad bitch to him!
19. Just because you love someone, doesn’t mean you’re supposed to be with that one!
20. Work on making yourself better and I promise, you’ll have more options!
21. Are you settling? (DAMN, soo deep I can’t even go there in this post!)
22. Oh yea…KNOW YOUR FIELD! Who is your competition? What do you have that they don’t? I live in New York, I’m pretty much fly 85 percent of the time and like 95 percent of the time when I see my boo. He knows what I look like in the morning, but he sees that the least and the flyness the most!
23. What was his last serious relationship like? If you can, find out. The results might surprise you!

That’s all for now.  Please send love and hate mail to Eva, she’ll get it to me.

(Hi Folks! Sorry for the delay in posts but a little thing called life has been kicking my butt. There are more date stories to come!)

Date #4: Bread-n-Butter

How we met: He was a referral from one of my Sorors

His Stats:  31, college-educated, born and raised in the city we live in (wow, shocker), financial planner

The Date: Dinner at a Cajun chain restaurant (I really despise chain restaurants)

What I wore: Mustard-yellow cropped jacket, black tank, dark jeans, black flats, silver and black accessories

This was my first official blind date ever. I had no clue what this dude looked like just knew he had a decent phone voice. My Soror set everything up. I should have asked questions, but decided to go into this with an open mind.

We planned to have dinner after work around 6:30 p.m. Bread-n-Butter called to verify that we were still on for the evening around lunchtime…and then again a little after 5. I thought he may be a little excited for the date. No harm.

Traffic was pretty bad on my way there so as it got closer to 6:30, BNB called me to see where I was. I told him I should be there around 7.

Ten minutes later, my phone rings again. It’s him…again. Asking me where I am…again. I let him know I’m still on the way and that I should arrive around 7…same thing I said ten minutes earlier. He says he’s there and waiting in the lobby area.

Not too long after that my phone rings…
BNB: So my phone is about to die. I just wanted to let you know I’m still here.
Me: Ok no problem, I’ll see you when I get there.

At this point my phone battery is going dead because of the numerous phone calls. But wait, he’s not done. My phone rings again.
BNB: Am I harassing you yet?

Harassment was three phone calls ago, buddy. Needless to say I was irritated when I arrived.

It’s been said that you can tell a lot about what a person thinks of you by who they hook you up with. I’m praying this is not true…

I walk in the door of the restaurant and see a man in a bad suit with a shiny paisley print on the lapel and ill fitting pants. Just horrendous. I realized this person was my date. I have a horrible habit of letting what I’m thinking show on my face. So in an effort to hide my disappointment, I told myself to have an open mind, pasted on my best fake smile, and greeted him with a warm hello.

At the table BNB flips his menu over and over scanning the options.
Me: What are you thinking about having?
BNB: I don’t know. I don’t really like Cajun food. It upsets my stomach.

Why in the world would you suggest a Cajun restaurant then?? He did, however, find pleasure in the bread basket and the butter and after exclaiming the bread and butter was so good he was going to ask for some to take home, he put a huge chunk of bread in his mouth and threw the rest of the piece back into the bread basket.

I ate my shrimp and grits as quickly as possible and trudged through the worst dinner conversation ever. He asked me why I was single (the quickest way to get on my bad side) and shifted uncomfortably in his chair when he pouted like a three-year-old child that “he didn’t like dating.”

The one high point of the evening was that he paid for my parking.  Other than that, I could have gone without this date.  Can I have that hour and a half of my life back?
SASSY readers, have you ever been on a blind date?  How did it turn out?  Any horror stories?  Until next time…

Love is all we need,
Sasha

Date #3: Chicken Wing

How we met:
At a networking event

His Stats:
32, went to graduate school, born and raised in the city we currently live in (everyone I have met during this challenge has this characteristic…hmmm), unemployed

The Date:
Drinks, appetizers, and music

What I wore:
Jeans and a white top with a black sweater wrap over it, a chunky necklace and leopard-print pumps

So this is what I would like to call an accidental date. When we met at the networking event we clicked and decided to go to another spot. It was just me and him and he paid so that was a date…right?

I actually passed this guy on the street while I was walking to the event.  He was going in the opposite direction.  He was attractive.  Bald.  Chocolate.  Strong jaw line.  But no eye contact was made between us.  I chalked it up as a loss and kept on moving.

So imagine my surprise when he walked into the event I was attending.  We were on opposite sides of the room and eventually he made his way near me as he was working the room.  He was introduced to the group I was standing with by someone else.  He went around the circle for individual introductions.  When he got to me he said excitedly, “Yo, you have clean nails.”

I’m caught off guard.  That’s not the typical compliment that comes from a guy so I’m a little skeptical plus I was in desperate need of a manicure, but I looked up at him, smiled, and said, “Thanks.”  After the usual chatting about where we went to school/where we’re from/who we know in common (he said I looked familiar), the conversation moved to places we kick it.  I told him about a place I frequent on Wednesday nights:

CW: Let’s go
Me: Umm like right now?
CW: Yeah right now. Seems like a cool spot.

A man who is spontaneous…I like that.

And the date begins…we grabbed drinks from the bar since there were no tables available and took in the music that was playing.  We talked about the types of music we enjoy and sang along to the music that was playing.  I pretty much laughed the whole date especially about his neat freak ways and made me jealous when he told me what he does in his free time since he got laid off: golf, bike rides, trips to wherever, whenever.  He truly lives life which I LOVE!  I’m a fan.

Leaving a place with a guy I just met? Probably not the smartest decision I have made in my life, but I’m glad I made it.  So SASSY readers, ever meet someone you connect with immediately?  Share your story in the comments section. Until next time…

Love is all we need,
Sasha

Date #2: Reproduction
You’ll know how this guy got his nickname

How we met
I was out at a bar eating and he came up and started talking to me

His Stats
45, college educated, member of a Greek-lettered fraternity, works in real estate, born and raised in the city we currently live in

The Date
After-work drinks

What I wore
My work clothes: black pantsuit with a white blouse that had ruffles, silver accessories, low black pumps

Yes I know what you’re thinking…he’s old(er). There is nothing really wrong with older men.  I don’t discriminate. What was unique with this guy is that he has never been married nor does he have any kids. Normally this would throw up red flags, but I had a chance to talk to him for a long time and meet some of his friends when we met. Everything seemed ok.

I arrived at the spot first and grabbed a table.

*pause*

I’m gonna be real honest with y’all…I tried very hard to find a table in a back corner. Had a feeling that people were going to be staring at us. For some reason I didn’t want anyone to see me.

*end pause*

Once Reproduction arrives, he looks slightly…different. He looked older than when I met him. No biggie. Just an observation. He’s still handsome. Salt and pepper beard. A little more pepper than salt. Same pleasant smile.

We order some beers and begin what will be a stop and go conversation due to both of us peeking at the basketball game.

Reproduction: My friend from the other night asked about you. Asked if I had talked to you since we met.
Me: Oh really?
Reproduction: I told him I did and he was glad to hear it. Said I should get on that because you can still have kids.

I know men have “biological clocks,” but my reproductive organs are part of casual conversation between two men?
Okay I guess…

After more stop and go conversation about dogs, jazz, and the fact that he pledged his fraternity the year after I was born, we decided to call it a night. He walked me to my car and attempted to kiss me. I declined and instead gave him a peck on the cheek.

Overall this date was…eh. I may give him another shot since I was tired and that can skew how I see things (I love my sleep). Or maybe he’s just more interesting when he’s drunk…hmmm.

So SASSY readers, do you date older? What is your age range? Have you ever dated anyone significantly older than you? If so, how did that work out? Until next time…

Love is all we need,
Sasha

Hey Everyone in SASSY land! Just wanted to give y’all an update on how the challenge was going…

I’M TIRED Y’ALL!!

I knew that going on 8 dates with 8 different guys was going to be tiring and that it was going to take a lot of effort on my part. But I am beat. Just plain tired. I go out just about every night (even on weeknights) in an attempt to meet people. My laundry is stacking up quicker since I’m changing clothes more often than normal.  And despite my efforts, I still haven’t met anyone.

Well let me rephrase that: I haven’t met anyone that I could see myself spending an hour of my time with. I’m open to giving people chances, but some folks out here are on that foolishness. For example, I went out to a bar to watch the college basketball National Championship game. I’m relaxing, watching the game, and sipping on my beer, when my waitress comes over to me:

Waitress: That guy over there in the hat sent this over to you.

What did he send me you ask? A cup of water. With a lemon wedge.

Umm…

Now this could be seen as a kind gesture. He didn’t want me to get dehydrated. Maybe somehow he knew that I hadn’t had my 8 glasses of water that day. How considerate. But what really took the cake was the note written on a napkin that came with the water:

“Y so lonely? Text me at 555-555-LAME”
I couldn’t take this seriously At all.

I’m not giving up just yet, but I am starting to get slightly frustrated. I need some advice on how to meet more guys. Someone out there have any tips for me? A tried and true method? A referral? Until next time…

Love (and a nap) is all we need,
Sasha

I’m giving each guy a nickname based on something that happened during the date. I may or may not share what that something was…

How we met:
We met while I was out one night in February. Didn’t exchange info when we met. Got reconnected through a friend

His Stats:
26, college educated, member of a Greek-lettered fraternity, white collar job, born and raised in the city we currently live in

The Date:
Grabbing drinks/bar hopping after work

What I Wore (because someone out in SASSY land may think this is important):
Black stretch pants, black tank, dark denim cropped jacket, purple peep-toe pumps and a purple clutch

I was running a little late due to traffic and not being able to decide what I was going to wear (I really should start planning this in advance). When I show up, LL is waiting outside for me despite the chilly temps. He held the door for me (he has basic manners and showed later on in the evening they were more than basic, ie. pulled out chairs, walked on the side closest to the street, etc.) and we picked out a table.

The conversation started out slowly with small talk about work and what we like to do, but after one drink in (he had a vodka tonic; I had a beer), we both relaxed some. We talked about college, our respective Greek organizations, a little bit about our thoughts on marriage, and our childhoods:

LL: Yeah I tried to sell drugs when I was a shorty.
Me (with some slight concern in my voice): Oh, really?
LL: Yeah, but I had to stop. It was too cold outside for me.

I laughed…hard. I don’t know why this is so funny to me but it was. A man who can make me laugh is a plus. I was trying to listen intently to everything he was saying, I kept getting distracted…I kept staring at his lips! They were beautiful: nice and full. And he had a nice smile to go along with it another plus.

The last bar we hit actually had a dance floor so he convinced me to get out there (Note: I don’t dance…at all, so this is huge). We vibe well on the dance floor, and then out of nowhere, he put the lips I had been admiring all night on mine. (Another note: I am not a “kiss on the first date” type of girl)

LL: We’re doing PDA.
Me: Yeah we definitely are doing PDA.

And amazingly, I was cool with that…

So SASSY readers, what are your thoughts on my date? Ladies, do you kiss on the first date? Is bar hopping a good idea for a date? Have you ever done bar hopping for a date? Leave a comment below. Until next time…

Love is all we need,
Sasha

Hi SASSY folks! My name is, well, just call me Sasha, and I’m the newest member of Team Love (I even got my t-shirt!). I joined the team because I’m ready to put myself out there and find love or at least a decent person to kick it with. In order to do that I will be taking part in what I like to call “Extreme Dating.”

My mission is to go on 8 dates with 8 different men within 30 days, which is an average of about 2 a week. A lofty goal I know, but I think it’s attainable. So from April 1st until April 30th, I will be out in the city meeting people, flirting a little more, getting referrals from friends, and maybe even going out with people I wouldn’t normally be pulled to.

By the end of the 30 days I hope to have discovered more about what I like and don’t like in a man, to catch up on all the casual dating I didn’t do in my early 20s, and to just have a good time meeting new people.

A little about me: I’m 27, and I live in a large city somewhere in the US. Went to school got an edumacation and all and now I do the whole 40 hour work week thing. I’ve been described by friends as humorous, outgoing, and effervescent.

Now my love life…well, I haven’t been in a relationship since July 2007. Since then there has been an ebb and flow in my dating life. There are spurts of decent guys who have come around, but nothing has really developed. Then I have these periods (they seem to be really long periods) of where I get no play. I never really did the casual dating thing like most folks do in their early 20s. It was pretty much either a relationship or nothing at all. My last date was in January 2009.

I will be writing about my dates and experiences here on SASSY so stay tuned to hear all of the details!

Love is all we need (I think),
Sasha

Dear Bari,

I just moved to a new city and haven’t really gotten the vibe of the people yet.  I’m from the South, where most people are friendly so I smile and say hello when I see brothas.  That’s just what we do where I’m from.  However, I notice that this has many men approaching me.  While I’m open to meeting guys, I don’t want to date everyone that says hello to me.  What’s the best way to turn them down?

- Smiley

Hey Smiley,

Well, based on your description of the area, I’d assume that you either went from the South to the West or North.  I know this because in California, especially in the Bay, if you smile at a guy too long that’s like an invitation for him to show interest.  We just aren’t all that cheery and bright and what not.  Furthermore, in Oakland, if you smile too long and then say you aren’t interested don’t be surprised if you get called everything but a child of God and have a bottle thrown in your direction (shout outs to Hilltop Mall in Richmond)… but this isn’t about me.

A nice way to turn a man down, short of lying and saying your engaged, married or otherwise preoccupied, is to just thank him profusely for the compliment and that you admire him for coming over and approaching you, and while you are flattered you are not interested because of ________________.  What’s the blank you ask?  That could be “I’m concentrating on my career,” “I’m preoccupied with family issues right now,”  “I just want to focus on myself for the time being,” etc.  Or you could resort to lying by saying you have a man and what not.  I don’t advocate lying, but sometimes that’s the easiest way to tell a mooftagem you aren’t interested.

Now, I know some women who have thought they let a man down gently by giving them a fake phone number.  Unless you are under 16, or like being publicly embarrassed, this is a bad idea.  What’s a little public embarrassment, you say?  Well… as I stated earlier, I’m from the Bay, the home of game.  I was once at On Broadway (hey, sometimes you want to party amongst the white tee element- RIP you tacky club) a few years ago with some friends and after the club let out, you saw all these people scrambling for numbers.  One young lady decided to give her “number” to a guy she clearly had no intention of talking to.  I mean, even I could see that and I didn’t know either one of them.  Well, ole boy pulled out his cell phone and dialed the number and when someone else answered it he pimp slapped her in front of the entire crowd on a busy street.  That’s when I ran.  So that is a clear example of what not to do.

In short, I support being honest with someone, but also telling them how much you appreciate their interest.  Remember that it took that guy a little nerve to approach you, and we all like to feel wanted.  It’s flattering.  However, we don’t want to feel rejected.  So when you let him down, let him down with a smile, thank him for his honesty and the compliment, but be honest about your situation.  Now, if his approach is out of pocket, feel free to tell him to “Kick rocks,” and tell him I sent you.  Then run.

Date responsibly,
Bari