It’s one thing to choose to be happy, it’s another thing to actually keep it up.  I think I’ve made strides in term of overall happiness, but sometimes I get bummed, sad or angry.  I try to not to stay in these states for very long.  Sometimes it’s easy to snap out of it, sometimes I need to try other tactics.

The first way is with affirmations.  If you’ve ever seen my room, you’ll notice two things. One, (to the untrained eye) it’s messy and two, it is almost covered in post-it notes.  Whenever I hear something positive that resonates with me, I write it down and  post it somewhere I’ll see it in my room.  Most are congregated by my computer screens and the rest of are my huge bulletin board/headboard.  They range from short and sweet (Choose to shine.) to long (success is not the key to happiness.  Happiness is the key to success.  If you love what you are doing you will be successful) to reminders of my general awesomeness (You are f-bomb smart Eva – really, really helpful during finals period).

If I’m not in my room, I turn to music.  On my ipod and iphone I have a “smile” playlist.  Very handy for dealing with shenanigans on the road.  These playlist hold a lot of “I’m so cool songs” a la Beyonce (except it actually contains very little Beyonce at all, but you get the gist).  When I play these songs, I find that I start to strut down the street instead of dragging myself.

And then there are the big dogs: call to Mom or Dad (my biggest cheerleaders) or America’s Funniest Home Videos.  If something really troubling happens, I just call my parents who will never fail to tell me 1. that I’ll be ok because 2. I can handle anything and 3. that they love me.  I always knew my mom was really good for these phone calls, I recently learned my dad is also pretty great for these calls to.  I’m sure you have someone that’s awesome at cheering you up and reminding you that you’re capable and awesome.

And America’s Funniest Home Videos – I literally cannot watch this show without dying.  Ever since middle school, whenever I watch this show I get sucked in and laugh  - and not just any laugh, that crazy laugh when no sound comes out.  It is just so silly.  So by the time I’m done with that show, it’s pretty hard to go back my funk.  Lately I’ve been saving random episodes on my DVR so I always have one ready.

So that’s what in my happiness arsenal.  What’s in yours?

e.

When I was in undergrad, my best friend went through a phase where everything and everyone was stupid.  All day long “this is stupid” or “you are stupid.”   It wasn’t until I called myself stupid (probably before she got a chance to) that she realized that this habit was destructive and she should drop it.  And she did.  Unfortunately for me, the habit of bad talking continued on and still does.  And it’s totally crazy because everyone thinks I’m smart, or at least, people only tell me I’m smart, no one’s called me stupid in a really long time.

I knew in the beginning of my happiness journey that the bad talk was going to be my biggest obstacle.  And it is certainly harder to stop than I imagined.  In my pursuit of happiness, I’m reading pretty much everything I can get my hands on about happiness.  I’m currently reading When Am I Going to Be Happy?: How to Break the Emotional Bad Habits That Make You Miserable (I know, I know, I hate the title too).  In that chapter I’m reading, she recommends talking tenderly to yourself when you normally would have said something negative to yourself.  The point is to be forgiving of yourself because we are humans and we make mistakes.  She recommends rationally and logically going through whatever set you off (in my case, it will most likely be this paper I’ve been working on all month, so something like “You’ve been working diligently on this paper for a month and it’s still not in the place you want it to be (read: finished), but it is in much better shape than it was in the beginning of the month and if you keep working at this pace, it will be done by next week.  This process is taking longer than you wanted, but that’s what happens in academic writing (hell, any writing)”) and ending with “It’s ok, sweetheart.”

So my goal, is to say something along those lines when inevitably I become frustrated with this paper instead of my handy “You’re stupid, this paper is never going to get done.” Oh, and I’ll end it with “It’s ok, darling.” Because I love darling so much more than sweetheart.  I’ll report back with progress reports.  Wish me luck.

So what say you friends?  Would you consider doing this to combat your negative self talk?

e.

Seriously I do not get the point of all these stupid articles breaking down why Black women are less likely to get married than their White counterparts, most recently Ralph Richard Banks’ piece in the Wall Street Journal.  Unless these articles start offering a husband to go along with it, they need to stop.  Reading the percentages of how unlikely I am to get married, the poor “marriage market” (I hate mixing economics with love) and how Black men are living it up with every color under the rainbow but Black does nothing for my day or my life.

They aren’t telling me anything new, although they are contradicting what I’m seeing in my life.  I actually have seen three new Black on Black relationships start and flourish over this year.  I expect to go to three Black on Black weddings within the next two years.  In the article, it stats that 70% of Black women are unmarried, I thought this number was really high, so I started looking on the Census’s website to find it.  I found that about 70% of women between the ages of 25 to 29 are single, but for all Black women (over the age of 15) 45.5% of Black women are unmarried*.  This statistic shows that almost half of us aren’t married yet, but that that means about half of us are married or have been married.  While we can argue that 45% is still a large percentage, it’s nowhere as large as 70%.

Not getting married is not the worst thing in that could happen to someone.  Yes I know most of us want to get married but let’s think about the reasons why we aren’t married now.  We have chosen not to settle for someone that doesn’t share our values, doesn’t make us happy or some other very important and valid reason.  There is nothing wrong with that.  Would you rather be single and live happily ever after or get married (because you felt you had to) and be miserable with a man?  Come on now, we’re better than that.

But back to the topic at hand – these articles and books?  How many times must we read about “the crisis?”  And that fact that ole boy who wrote the WSJ article is a Black men?  Come on dude, you’re better than that.  He talks about men having too many choices and instead of calling them out and telling them to just make a decision and lock it down (I’m assuming he’s juggling Black women, although I guess he could be juggling the rainbow) you say Black women just have to deal with that.  Stop right now.  Let’s not act like it doesn’t take two Black people to form a Black marriage.

Yes, he does raise valid points about why our numbers are skewed and why available Black men might not be desirable to Black women.  But instead of tackling the issues of why Black men are disproportionally incarcerated or not obtaining education at the same rate as Black women, we instead are told to date men of other races.  I understand why Black women are loyal to Black men, who else is?  And if  a Black women chooses to only date Black men, knowing full well the odds are against her, that’s her business.  She knows what risks she is taking and she doesn’t need to be bombarded with messages that she’s living mission impossible (even though I don’t believe it’s that drastic and dire).   Besides with a divorce rate at approximately 50% it looks like we’re dodging an emotional and financial bullet because most of us end up at the same place – not married.

peace,
e.

*source: U.S. Census Bureau, America’s Families and Living Arrangements: 2010: Table A1 Blacks alone or in combination with one of more other races

Today I want to introduce a new series to SASSY: Choose Happiness.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about happiness.  Maybe it’s because it’s the summer and I have more time to actually enjoy living life.  Maybe it’s because a lot of my friends have found love or are having babies and just seem to be oozing love and happiness.  I don’t know.

So what does choosing happiness mean?  What I’m striving for is simple: To be happy every day, not necessarily all day every day but every single day.  No matter where I am in my life, or what I have.  Currently I would describe myself as on the pursuit to happiness.  I think I’ve even become a little obsessed with it.  I don’t like spending time listening to friends complain about aspects of their life they can easily change – don’t like the way the guy you’re dating is treating you?  Stop dating him and move on.  Totally bored and uninspired by your job?  Figure out what your passion is and then figure out a way to get paid to do that.  I know these  things are easy to say, but I’m finding it’s actually not hat hard to do.  I think that people forget that they are actually in control of their life.  You choose who you let in and spend time with.  You choose how you spend your time.  Now chose happiness.

I recently finished Gretchen Rubin’s The Happiness Project.  It’s an interesting book. Essentially her New Year’s resolution was to be happy and through research and a pretty intense reward system chart, she tackled different aspects of life that affected her happiness and documented the whole thing.  At first, I was giving her (and the book) the illest of side eyes because theoretically she was already supposed to be happy – she was married, she had kids, she owned her house and she was doing what she loved (after quitting a very financially stable and respectable job).  But then I had to check myself, everyone has the right to be unhappy, or rather, everyone has the right to want to be happier.  And so, I read about her journey to becoming happier.  And I had to admit, some of her tactics could work in my life.

I was struck by one of her revelations.  That some of her unhappiness stemmed from bad feelings she had for not doing something  said she would/ was supposed to/ needed to do.  When I look at my life, and the times when I beat myself up, it is normally because I didn’t do something I said I would (normally something I promised myself – like going to the gym, or attending a friend’s event, etc).  So she created a Nagging To Do List and listed every single thing she had put off that she needed to do (and had beat herself up about) and she took a month and completed them.  After creating my list, I know it will take more than a month to handle some of them (that 19th century Black fatherhood paper is just not going to get done this month), but other things, like getting my pesky stove fan fixed where really simple  – simple to avoid but also really simple to handle.

The point of this series is to remind you that you can choose to be happy.  It really is a choice to make and that is just the first part.  You have to choose to be happy, you have to realize that you do deserve to be happy and recognize how important happiness is to you.  While Rubin spends a lot of time arguing with herself about whether it is totally selfish to focus on one’s happiness, I am actually not having that problem at all.  Although others are having a problem with me following my happiness because it is almost contradictory to my current work trajectory.  I’m on the third year of my PhD program and the thought of being a full time professor is less than appealing.  My boss/mentor is about to jump through the window; he is so over me saying “but I won’t be happy doing this.”  But you know what?  I’m going to do what I want to do, which is not following the script of what I’m supposed to do, and choose happiness.

peace,
e.

The good folks over at Apartment Therapy have been going crazy this month with ways to spruce up your rental (or dorm room).  Sure we can’t break down walls to create more space, but we can go crazy with color, add additional shelving and repurpose our belongings to create funky storage or decoration.  Having just moved into a very white apartment, I can’t wait to try some of these ideas out.

picture courtesy of Apartment Therapy

• 10 Ways to Customize a Rental
• Don’t Hide Your Bed, Style It! (Great for studio apartments)
• Small Space Solutions: Ledges, Sills & Narrow Shelves
• Hallway as a Gallery
• 5 Money Saving and Space Saving Tips
• Small Space Design Tips: From LA Architect David Applebaum (great for these tiny NYC apartments)
• 5 Ideas for Setting Up the Kitchen

What about you guys?  Is it time to switch up your apartments decor?  How have you decorated your space?

peace,
e.

Sometimes it’s easy to lose sight of what it really means to love yourself. Especially, if your in a situation where you’re constantly giving to another person. Whether it is because you are a parent, a wife, a caregiver or what have you; it may be difficult to find time to really love yourself the way that you should. What does it really mean to love yourself? Is it about making yourself a cup of hot chocolate when you’re cold? Is it about buying yourself a new dress when you feel like it? Is it doing whatever you want when you want it? Is it about putting warm clothes on when it’s freezing outside? I see the statement, ‘you must first love yourself….’ alot, but there is not enough emphasis on how to really do that.

Love is such a loaded word that many people define differently. Traditionally, love is defined as having a deep affection or feeling of devotion. But to truly be in love with thyself goes beyond caring for your basic needs. It means to empathize completely; to understand and identify with yourself; to accept yourself as you are and to come to terms with those aspects of yourself that you cannot change. It by no means encourages arrogance or feelings of conceit but this kind of love is about recognizing your self worth and those things that make you uniquely fabulous.

Doing these things means first taking a self inventory. You’re probably thinking, what does taking inventory mean? Well, it means acknowledging both your strengths and your weaknesses and not only embracing them but also finding ways to develop those talents that make you great and finding the resources to strengthen those things that tear you down. It’s ok accept that nose that you think may be too big for your face. Embrace that! You were born with it and therefore cannot change it. Know that with all your imperfections, those are the same things that makes you fly, fierce and fabulous.

Taking self inventory also means forgiving yourself for things you’ve done in the past by letting go of yesterday and look towards tomorrow. It means that it’s okay to take a moment for yourself. Now, this is an area that most women struggle with. Personally, I find it easier and more natural to make sure everyone else is fed, hydrated and clothed. But when it comes to myself, remembering to eat dinner can sometimes be a chore. I have realized that I dont take enough time to myself to do those things that makes me happy. That is essential. Finding time for your own happiness is key in learning to truly be in love with you. Oftentimes, we hear we cannot properly love another without loving ourselves but lets extend that – we cannot properly exist without learning to first take time to embrace our uniqueness and nurture our passions.

A great way to do this is to court yourself. Treat yourself the way you would want to be treated by someone you hope will fall in love with you. If you like art, go to a gallery. If you like to cook, find a new recipe and try it out. If you like to write, buy a new journal and pen your thoughts. Whatever it may be do it! Even if you dont have anyone to do it with you, go anyway.  The idea is for you to get to know yourself and understand the things that you like and make you happiest. In the end, you will find that you are able to smile more, laugh more, live fruitfully and pay more attention to the small things in life that before may have gone unnoticed.

If you find it difficult to begin on this journey of falling in love with yourself, just remember that any good love takes time. Give yourself the time you deserve to establish a love for yourself that will last a lifetime. You don’t want a one night stand with yourself, you want an enchanted and eternal love. After all, regardless of who you may end up with, which professional road you may travel, or which zipcode you reside in – at the end of the day, you will still be you. And that you deserves to be loved, pampered and nurtured. So, if you only do one thing for yourself today – let it be to make a commitment to fall in love with the wonderfully fabulous YOU!

credit: Piotr Bizior: http://www.bizior.com

As summer approaches and we stand in the midst of a weakened and unstable economy ( though things are beginning to look up), most of us are trying to find ways to escape the monotony of our daily grind. Since most of us are no longer in college and do not get an official spring/summer break, not only are we left with trying to find creative ways to vacation but now also faced with finding the time to sneak away for a bit.

Being the SASSY and frugally savvy sista’s and brothers that we are, this should be a small and relatively easy feat. I can understand that you may be unsure of where to begin and how to get the most bang for your buck. Check out this list of ideas and things to remember for quick, cheap and painlessly fabulous mini-vacation spots that can be just around the corner from where you call home.

Tip #1. Take the road less traveled. What I mean by that, is if you can travel by car do it! It will be the best and cheapest way to go. Although gas prices over the summer seem to always sky rocket, the price of fuel for a round trip destination will cost you up to 50% less than if you were to travel by plane. Also an added bonus is that you wont have to pay to check your luggage since trunk space is always free.

Tip #2. Stay close to home. Get on the web and research the largest cities closest to you in each neighboring state, then visit their official state website to check out the attractions they have to offer. You never know, the perfect vacation may only be a couple hours away.

Tip #3. Bundle your costs. If you must fly, leave on non peak days (Tuesday – Thursday). Try and book weeks in advance through a wholesale website such as Expedia, Hotwire, Priceline or Orbitz. Many of these sites are running summer promotions that can get you to and from major cities to other destinations for as little as $99 round trip. By booking your hotel, airfare and rental car prices together you can save a considerable amount of money.

Tip #4. Use your available discounts. Everyone loves to get something free but the next best thing to free is to get it discounted. Some discounts you may be able to use to cheapen your trip are student discounts, military (if your active or a dependent), AAA, government (you qualify for this discount if you hold a federal or state work ID) and many others. Take advantage of what’s available to you to get the most bang for your buck.

Tip #5 Split the price. If you have a group of really fun people who are all looking to get away, travel together. By splitting the cost of the trip you can save up to 25% on your accommodations if you travel with 3 or more people. Additionally, another alternative for group travel is vacation apartment rentals. They offer more space and are often priced per week instead of per night.

Tip #6. Ride the rails. Travel by train means that you must enjoy “getting there” as much as “being there.” Since it takes a lot longer than flying, you have to make transportation part of the experience. Don’t just think about hopping on a train to get somewhere. Instead, you’re going to the train! And, eventually, it will lead someplace.

Tip #7. Cruise it up. Weekend cruises can be very inexpensive and leave from ports that may be right near you. Discovery Cruise Lines offer several weekend trips to the Bahamas ( although a U.S Passport is required for this destination) which bundle the actual cruise and hotel stays for as little as $59 per person.

Taking these tips into consideration, here are a few cities you may look into traveling to that you may have never considered (well, unless you live near or in one of them. If this is the case, see tip #2):

Chicago, Illinois — Try the Navy Pier for shopping or if your a foodie, hit up the Taste of Chicago
Charleston, South Carolina – Get an old country feel with a coastal flair. Day trips to Daniels or Johns Islands could be great fun
Fort Myers, Florida — Take a visit to the wildlife preserve or its romantic beaches. (Bonus: Hotels on Sanibel and Captiva Islands  are offering a 20% discount on bookings ranging from a week or more. This special ends on June 13, 2009.)
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania — A foodie’s dream you can visit eclectic restaurants and sample the traditional cheesesteak or hop on a 90 min train ride to bustling NYC.
Baltimore, Maryland — Take in an Orioles Game or the local fun down at Baltimore’s Inner Harbor
Charlotte, North Carolina — See the orchids at the Daniel Stowe Botanical Garden, the U.S National Whitewater Center or the roaring roller coasters of Carowinds.

If your in the market for a vacation, the most you can do is your homework. You will be able to find a destination that is just what you’re looking for while staying within your price range if you follow the above tips and keep in mind that less is always more. The less money you actually spend on traveling to your destination, the more money you’ll indefinitely have once you arrive. Share with me in the comments any other cost-cutting ways youve found to make your trips less expensive. Are there any other cities youve visited that you would recommend for someone looking to take a mini-vacation?

Wherever your travels may take you this summer or beyond, remember to be sexy, SASSY and safe while you do it!

Mignon's mothers and her son

As Mother’s day rapidly approaches, I find it to be a great opportunity to pay homage to the person who brought me (and all of my splendor) into this world. My dear Mama ( although she tried to semi-roast me the other day because I have outgrown calling her Mommy) is the perfect combination of sass and selflessness, beauty and brawn, humor and humbleness, kindness and discipline. The woman ( and mother ) I have become today is due solely to the fact that she is who she is.

Most unselfish mothers of today would not allow their children to go broke in an effort to shower them with gifts and other expensively overpriced flights of fancy — especially in these such uncertain times. In the grand scheme of things, what moms want most this 10th of May is their kids’ time, a celebration that involves some sparkling conversation, good food and a tiny gift as a token of love.

This sounds like a small battle to fight in making Mother’s day the perfect experience for your dear mama, but quite honestly its a battle that is far better fought in theory than in actuality. The lack of inspiration on what exactly to do for your mama can turn an otherwise joyous holiday into a monstrous headache. Especially if your dealing with a woman like my mama, who already has EVERYTHING so its hard to pinpoint that one thing that she doesn’t have, that she’s really been wanting. So needless to say, I was popping Tylenol like a crazy person and void of Mother’s day inspired ideas. Well, that was before I had a chance to sit and really think about the true essence of Mother’s Day.

Small children have the most genuine approach to love. They like to make things that they have painstakingly put together all in an effort to show how much they love you. Not just on one day, but everyday since in the eyes of a child, everyday is Mother’s Day. As adults, we often lose the genuineness of love and replace it with material things. So instead of really searching our hearts to find something we can do to show our love, we try and figure out the best thing to buy that will properly convey that love. We go into this gift buying frenzy and forget that what Mama really just wants is something that is genuine and comes from our hearts. It may not be from a high-priced store or cost a million dollars, but a genuine love expression will let Mama know that you value her far more than any dollar amount can show.  I think now is as good a time as any to go back to those genuine ideas of love and focus on what it really means to celebrate our mothers.

In the spirit of that revelation, I have crafted a nontraditional and creative gift for my mother that I will present to her this May 10th. I have written something especially for her entitled ‘Mama… a love letter’ which I will present to her in a nice frame. She will love the fact that I sat down and wrote something for her and will know how much I love and celebrate her by the care in which it was written. I urge all of you SASSY folks to try and do something for your mother ( maybe in addition to what you may have already bought for her) that goes beyond a charge on your VISA card.

If your still looking for that perfect last minute gift idea, take a moment to think outside of the box and really take into consideration those things that Mama really cherishes because in the end, it will be the little things that will mean the most to her. And hopefully, as I stated in a portion of my letter, you can show your Mama through the smallest gesture that “if she were a song, she’d be the perfect verse over a tight beat.”

Happy Mother’s Day to all the Mother’s past, present and future.

Have you ever found yourself in an unpleasant situation? One that you both did not plan for and do not know how to handle? I know I have. It’s such a natural response that when we go through problems we get grumpy, depressed, and the situation we ended up in became worse than it actually was.

Of course I am not saying that we should just accept every bad thing that comes our way. But sometimes, we just need to lighten up and accept the things that happen to us.

However, there is no mistaking that sometimes life deals us cards that we don’t want to play. When that happens, usually, we have no choice but to play them anyway trying our best to use them to our advantage.  But, whatever situation you’ve found yourself stuck in, I’m here to tell you that there is definitely a way out. You’re in your present state for a reason, whether you’d like to admit it or not.

Maybe you want to make the most of your bad situation but don’t know where to start. Well, my suggestion would be to make peace with it and find out what it truly means to accept and love it. I know you probably think I’m nuts for suggesting that you even give place to such an absurd thought, but the minute that you learn to love the things you can’t change, the sooner you will see them transforming in front of your eyes. In learning to love your situation, you must first realize that love extends far beyond that of an intense physical attraction to another person.

I’m speaking about the experience of love, the feeling of intense caring and identification with something, and in this instance that something would be your situation. Loving your situation means that you accept it just as it is, flaws and all, and become willing to nurture it until it grows and changes. When the unforeseen happens, you must learn how to use the situation to your advantage. So in the face of your bad situation, here are some things to remember:

• Accept the fact that choices are long lasting and life changing. Temporary situations are just that… temporary. They will only exist for a season and that alone is worth remembering. However, the choices we make do play a large part in the ways our life changes. So if your situation is a result of a choice you’ve made there is no need to beat yourself up about it. Work on doing those things that it takes to get you to the state of contentment and past the state of resentment.
• Your attitude will determine your outcome. It has been said that one’s true character is revealed in times of adversity.  You must take the time to change your attitude from one of negativity to one of positivity. Overall, the attitude you take while going through your situation will set the stage for the attitude you’ll have once you overcome that situation. It has also been said that the ability to make the best out of a bad situation can play an important role in success.  It is in times of adversity when others see us for who we really are, and not just who we are trying to become.
• Once you’ve made peace with your situation, find something good in it. There is always some good in every situation, whether bad or otherwise. You have to be willing to find that good and embrace it. Just about every bad situation has the seed of an equivalent or even greater good; you just need to know where to look.  This is where a positive mental attitude really comes in handy.  At the very least, bad situations can be written off as a good experience.
• Move from attitude to action. Making the best of a bad situation is all about attitude and action.  First, realize that you may not have any control over the situation but you do have complete control over your response.  Then, choose the appropriate action that will allow you to make the best out of the situation. So instead of insisting on having an attitude, vow to take action! That action is what will transform your situation into your positive destiny. Bad things often happen to good people, but good people take those bad things and turn them into something great!

No fret, it’s really not the end of the world.  For all my single ladies out there, Valentine’s Day can be more than a glaring reminder that you don’t have a boo.  What’s a single lady to do with a date on Saturday?  Below I share some suggestions:

• Attend one of the many Anti-Valentine’s Day parties out there.  (Here’s one in NYC) I’ve been invited to about three so far.  Just think, you’ll be surrounded by tons of other singles.  Hey, you might even leave with someone special.  If not, worst case, you have a fun night out with the girls.
• Do something for yourself that you’ve been putting off.  Didn’t get that manicure last week, go for it.  Need a back massage, go the spa and pamper yourself.  Did all this wind destroy your hair, go get it done.
• If you’re unhappy about being single, I can’t think of a better time to sign up for speed dating or a dating website. Be proactive homegirl.
• If all else fails, you can follow Very Smart Brotha’s suggestions of volunteering, sending yourself stuff for the big day or simply pleasuring yourself.  Can’t lose that way, huh?

So ladies, what are you doing this weekend?

peace,
e.