Let me start by saying that I saw this movie yesterday and thoroughly enjoyed it. I had a tough week, needed a light movie, thought the cast was great, and was with a friend I hadn’t seen in awhile. All the makings of a good afternoon. While watching the movie, though, I had some thoughts about dating, and about women’s dating patterns specifically. (I really can’t speak to the men’s point of view in the movie. Any guys reading this should feel free to comment!) I am certainly not a dating expert, but it seems odd that the book, written by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo, has been translated into a happily-ever-after romantic comedy to end all romantic comedies.  Note the title of the book is He’s Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys. In true self-help style, it delivers a strong message to women to stop wasting our time wondering why guys haven’t called us and start looking for men who actually want to call us.

I walked away from the movie yesterday wondering why it is women tend to make excuses for men rather than just letting the ones who aren’t interested go and finding another guy who treats us as well as we deserve to be treated. I’m certainly not saying that all women do this, but I’ve definitely found myself in some of the traps described in the book and the film. I’ve waited for the phone to ring, checked my email over and over again. You get the idea. Anyway, what confused me, though, is how we went from self-help, brutal honesty to romantic comedy. Every single woman in the theater (and some guys too, I’ll bet) cheered at the end, when everybody lived happily ever after. Even with all the straight talk about not taking rejection personally, etc etc, is that what we all want? What do others think of this paradox?

Maybe I’ll be called a Scrooge for saying so, but the holiday season can be difficult for me. I have friends and family members who feel the same way. Sometimes we get so caught up in the stress of shopping, travel, and family drama that we forget that we’re supposed to be having fun. Maybe holiday time reminds of people we’ve lost. Maybe we hate the cold, dark winters in the Northeast. Whatever the cause, the holiday blues can be very real. So I thought I would share a few survival strategies that have worked for me in years past. Feel free to share yours!

Stay active.
I can’t emphasize this enough. Seriously, I have to run, walk, do yoga every day (or almost every day) just so I’m pleasant to be around. I need that time. Try to commit to doing something active for at least 30 minutes a day 3 times a week, and I bet you will notice a difference in your stress level and mood.

Friends are the family we choose.
My mother always says this, and I think it’s really true. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family. They are wonderful people. But they can be a lot to take sometimes (and they would say the same thing about me!) Luckily, I have great friends who can step in when things get a little crazy and everyone needs a break. And friends make those occasions when I am away from my family special too. Being around good people always helps lift my spirits!

Give back.
I find it really helpful whenever I’m feeling stressed to get out of my own head and do something for others. I know, money is tight for all of us. However, we can do something good for the world without spending a fortune or even giving up a lot of time. Volunteer at a soup kitchen, donate to a coat or toy drive, or make a donation in someone’s name as a gift. You could even ask your friends to bring canned goods to your holiday party and send a shipment to the local food bank. If you’re in New York City, check out New York Cares for plenty of great holiday volunteer opportunities. Many other cities have similar organizations that can get you connected in your community. If you like what you do, keep it up throughout the year!

Those are just a few things I do during the holidays to (try to) take care of myself and stay focused on the meaning of the season. Post a comment and tell us what you do to stay sane amidst the mayhem. Happy holidays to all!

~Moira

I often come in contact with families dealing with domestic violence (DV) in my work. With every encounter, I am shocked by the “blame the victim” messages I hear, often from the systems survivors use to try to get help. As a result, many survivors believe it’s their fault, if they had done something different, the violence would not have occurred. I’m tired of the “blame the victim” game. Rather than putting the responsibility for intimate partner violence on the victim, we must 1) understand the issue and our collective responsibility for addressing it; 2) empower survivors to get help in order to stay safe; and 3) hold the aggressors accountable. If you are in a violent relationship or you know someone who is, I hope this article will be helpful. Even if you are not personally affected by domestic violence, you can play a role in stopping it. You’ll find some ideas and strategies here, too.

Get informed.
One in every four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime. Nationally and internationally, domestic violence affects people of every age, race, class, religious background, and sexual orientation. The same is true for gender, though 73% of all victims of family violence are female. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence , women constitute 84% of victims of spousal abuse and 86% of victims of abuse at the hands of boyfriends. DV is not just physical, but emotional, verbal, sexual, psychological, and financial/economic. It is about power and control, about manipulation and isolation. It is not about anger and rage. Why? Because most batterers do not hurt anyone other than their partners, are able to stop when it is to their advantage to do so, and only inflict wounds where they won’t show. Furthermore, we must think of relationship abuse as more than individual and isolated instances of violence and instead as “an enduring, chronic, traumatic experience that shapes women’s behavior, distorts their view of self, and undermines their belief in the controllability of their own lives”(Smith et al, 1995, 180).

Know what to look for.
Do you think you might be experiencing abuse, or do you know someone who is? Here are some warning signs of abuse relationships.

Know your rights.
The Violence Against Women Act (VAWA), passed by the U.S federal government in 1994, made domestic violence and sexual assault crimes. As a result, there are legal means by which survivors can obtain protection through family, criminal, and civil court. Furthermore, cities and states have their own protections in place for survivors of domestic violence. For example, in New York City, it is illegal for employers to discriminate against survivors of domestic violence, sexual assault or stalking. Employers must provide reasonable accommodations to survivors of such violence that may be used for safety planning (i.e. varied hours, a different phone number, etc). Check your state or city code for specific legislation for survivors of domestic violence. Call one of the hotlines listed below to get connected to legal support, counseling, emergency housing, and other resources.

It is not your fault.
Love is not violent. No one deserves to be hit, controlled, humiliated, or isolated by someone who claims to love her (or him). You have the right to be safe, to feel valued, and to make choices about your own life. If you are in a violent relationship or you know someone who is, seek help. Utilize the resources listed below or find someone trustworthy (a friend, co-worker, teacher, counselor, medical provider) in whom you can confide. If a friend discloses violence, listen without judgment and help her (or him) make a safety plan that covers staying in the relationship or leaving, depending on what the survivor wants. Most importantly, make sure s/he knows s/he is not alone.

Get help.
If you are in a violent relationship, you don’t have to deal with by yourself. Here are some sources of help and more information:

Safe Horizon Domestic Violence Hotline: 800.621.HOPE (4678) (New York City)

National DV Hotline: 800.799.SAFE (7233)

NYC Gay and Lesbian Anti-Violence Center Hotline: 212.714.1141 (www.avp.org)

Rape and Incest National Network: 800.656.3000 (www.rainn.org)

Family Violence Prevention Fund (www.endabuse.org)

United States Department of Justice Office on Violence Against Women (www.ovw.usdoj.gov)

Get involved.
We all share a collective responsibility for ending intimate partner violence. We must hold men (and women) accountable for violent language and actions. We must speak up when we see attitudes or behaviors that degrade women. We can donate time, money or materials (such as old cell phones) to anti-violence organizations that provide services to survivors and their families. We can get involved in women’s or men’s organizations that share a collective mission to topple the oppressive systems that perpetuate all forms of violence. Check out www.feminist.org , www.mencanstoprape.org , or The National Organization for Men Against Sexism (www.nomas.org). We can write to our legislators about the issue and urge them to pass anti-violence and batterer accountability laws. Do you have other ideas? Feel free to post them here!

The other night, I went to see “Sex and the City” for the second time. After the movie, I got to thinking about the nature of female relationships. On the one hand, my women friends are some of the most supportive I have. I would not be who I am without them. On the other hand, we women (in general) can do some really underhanded things to each other. We gossip, cut each other down, and/or feel threatened by the “pretty one,” the “smart one,” or the “thin one,” I don’t entirely know why we do these things. But my theory is that all of it is learned behavior. We’ve been taught to be divisive. Just imagine how powerful we would be if we were united in appreciating each other for what we are. In order to achieve that unity, we need a statement, a declaration of sorts, to guide us. Here is my effort at outlining one—feel free to add your own tenets!

We will not break plans with each other for a significant other.
I’ve been on both sides of this one. I know how it feels to be so excited about someone new and want to spend time with him. I also know how it feels to be jilted by a friend who would rather be with her boyfriend. (Sorry to be hetero-normative, but I’m writing from my own experience here). The latter is no fun—it causes resentment and can end friendships (really). Most of us would like to avoid both outcomes, right? So when we say we’re going to do something, we should follow through, and try not to break plans with friends in favor of a significant other. In most cases, friends are around longer.

We will forgive each other.
Maybe the friendship to which I am referring above might not have ended if I had been better at forgiving. That’s something to think about.

We will not talk about each other negatively behind our backs.
I suppose this is life advice, not just wisdom for relationships with women. But it seems that we women are experts at being two-faced. We learned it from somewhere (and I’m going out on a limb here)–probably from the system of patriarchy that dominates our society and can’t handle the idea of women as a unified front. So we are taught to take each other down rather than lifting each other up. Every time we speak ill of each other, we’re contributing to the system in a small way. So why not try to stop, and with that, erode the system a little?

We will speak up when we see each other being treated unfairly.
This one is also about supporting each other. In a lot of ways, it follows logically from committing to stop talking negatively about each other. First we stop the negative words and then we stop the silence. Or perhaps we try to do both simultaneously. Patriarchy and other forms of oppression thrive on silence, which brings me to the next premise…

We will strive to understand how the many systems of oppression in our society are intertwined and strive to dismantle them.
We cannot talk about sexism without also speaking about racism, homophobia, ageism, and a host of other ‘–isms’. In order to undo the patriarchal system that thrives on women taking each other down, we must also understand how all of the ‘–isms’ hold up certain groups over others. We can learn from and join efforts to fight other forms of oppression. Even by committing to this code (or to your own) we can make a change that is larger than each of us.

So there it is: the girl code. Is it possible to live this way? I like to think so, especially if I have a whole group of wonderful women (and men) friends holding me accountable.

-Moira

I used to hate gym class. I lacked any athletic ability and always felt self-conscious during all team activities. I hated to sweat and I was the girl who used to kick the soccer ball into the wrong goal. (Yes, it’s true). It wasn’t until college that I started to think about fitness and trying to get healthy. I’ve always had a tenuous relationship with my body—I felt awkward and uncoordinated and didn’t think there was anything I could do about it. When I was studying abroad in Spain my junior year of college, some new friends encouraged me to go running with them to explore our neighborhood. I hated running and figured I would rather die. I could only last about 15 minutes and cursed them the entire time. Plus, Spanish women don’t typically run outside, so we got a lot of weird looks from the locals. But my friends wouldn’t let me give up. They kept inviting me to come and we kept running and exploring the city together. One of them even told me, “If you keep this up, you’ll eventually love it and get addicted.” I thought she was crazy.

I ran my first marathon in New York City in 2006. Yes, that’s right—from fearing gym class and hating running to a marathon. Getting to the starting line on Staten Island was certainly a process. If you asked me five years ago if I thought I could do it, I would’ve laughed at you. But we all have to start somewhere. A marathon might not be everyone’s goal, but it is possible to include fitness into our busy lives. What follows are the five tips that got me from couch potato to marathoner. (Keep in mind, I am not a coach, a trainer, or a doctor, and if you are going to start exercising, speak to a professional first).

Start small.
When I first started running, I could go for about 15 minutes. At first, I felt bad that I couldn’t keep up with my friends, but then I realized that I had to start at the beginning. I began adding 5 minutes each time I went running, until I could run comfortably for 45 minutes. Yes, I was slow (more on that later), but it didn’t matter. My point is—starting an exercise routine in itself may seem like a huge, daunting task, but if you break it down into little pieces, you can get it done. Take the stairs instead of the elevator, get off the subway one stop earlier, park your car far away from the door, etc. Add 5 minutes to your workout each time. Start small and keep adding on. You’ll get where you want to be.

Get support.
Exercising is a lot easier with support. Find a friend, join a gym, go to a class, become part of a team, or find a cause for which you are passionate. I never would have been able to finish my marathon if I didn’t have a great team cheering me on or pace group members who wouldn’t let me give up when I hit my wall. Furthermore, we recognized that we were all there to raise money for a cause in which we all believed. The shared mission was a powerful motivator. You don’t have to run a marathon to do something positive for yourself and for humanity. Try a walk, a short run, or a bike ride for charity. Both your body and your soul will benefit.

Mix it up.
Who wants to run on the treadmill at the gym every day? Not me. When starting a new exercise plan, try to include several different activities. Walk one day, swim another, bike, run, try strength training, or take a dance class. This variety prevents injury—it’s important to use different muscles and have a chance for recovery—and boredom. Believe me, you’re much more likely to stick to something if you can look forward to it and it doesn’t feel like a chore. I love my weekly yoga classes because they allow for different movement and breathing, plus a great chance to exercise without the stressing my joints like I do when I run.

Remember to rest.
Time off is a vital part of any exercise routine. When I was training for the marathon, my coaches couldn’t emphasize that to us enough. Take a day off to recover during the week, and don’t feel guilty about it. If you build rest into your schedule, you won’t feel bad about not working out like a maniac every day. Be patient with yourself and listen to your body.

Run your own race.
If you take one thing away from this article, I hope it is to run your own race. (I mean that literally and figuratively, since I realize running may not be your activity of choice, but you’ll see my point). As a slow runner, and indeed one of the slowest members of my team, I was often anxious about pacing and feeling that my performance would be diminished by other teammates’ speedy showings out on the course. Many of them set their sights on qualifying for the Boston marathon or logging a personal best at every race. (Just so you know, to qualify for Boston in my age group, I would need to run a 3:40 marathon).

Luckily for me, I had amazing teammates and friends who reminded me that I don’t need to compare myself to the fastest teammates. I am never going to run a 3:40 marathon, or even a 4-hour one, for that matter. My body is not built for it. I and other “slow” runners would never get out on the course (or on the field, or to the gym) if we constantly compared ourselves to others’. What we do is also extraordinary, and so is what you do to take care of yourself. In a lot of ways, it’s harder for the “slower” or “unathletic” folks to get out there and do it. For many of us, we’ve come a long way to get where we are. (Remember when I hated running and couldn’t last 15 minutes?)

We need to run our own races, not anyone else’s.

There you have it—5 small steps you can take to incorporate fitness into your life. Exercise is supposed to make you feel good. It’s not about guilt when you don’t do it, or about not being able to meet a certain goal right away. Start small, be kind to yourself, and find people who will support you, and you will get where you want to be. Good luck!