Dear Bari,

What is the best way to tell a man you’re just not that into him? He’s really nice, but I don’t see it going anywhere.  Just seems wrong to drag this out any further.

Hi Jasmine,

Remember when you were little and your mama or grandmother or someone told you that “honesty was the best policy?”  Yeah, you do?  Well, they were right.  The key here is to be honest but kind and considerate of the other person’s feelings.  That’s just part one of two, though.

No one likes rejection.  You have to keep that in mind.  The second part of this equation, and equally important part I might add, is the method.  We have all this new fangled technology now that allows people to get out of doing things they don’t want to do by avoidance.  Well, simply put, that’s wrong when it comes to break-ups.  If you are going to break up with someone, at least have the decency to do it either face-to-face or by phone.

DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT break up with someone via text.  It says more about you than it does about them or how you valued your relationship and their time.  It makes you look like a straight donkey.  Now, if you don’t care about your reputation or hurting this dude’s feelings, then have at it.  I’d advice against it because you also don’t know what folks are truly capable of until you hurt their feelings.  If you don’t mind having your tires slashed or bad things said about you in dating game version of telephone, then gon’head and break up with ole boy via text or email.  What happens afterwards is on you, though.

Lastly, treat others how you’d like to be treated.  If nothing else, remember that.  Someone may be wondering the same thing about you in a few months and you know what they say about karma…

Happy dumping!
Bari

Dear Bari,

What is the best way to break up with someone?  Well, let me explain.  I’ve been seeing this woman casually for about two months, and after four dates and non-regular phone calls, I realize I’m just not that interested.  I don’t want to be cliche, but I’m just not that into her.  What is the best way to let her down gently?

Single in Silicon Valley

Hey Single,

First of all, nice to hear from a guy again.  You’re only our second guy to write in.

Now, I think men tend to drag out breaking up with a woman, or in your case just telling her you don’t see this going any further since you aren’t in a relationship, to avoid hurting her.  I understand.  You often think your phalanges or your car may be in danger.  And sometimes they are.  I think to avoid doing further damage, and to insulate you from bodily injury or property damage, you should do the following three things:

1. Be Honest.

Tell the woman the real reason you don’t think it’s working out, but be nice about it, of course. If you just aren’t compatible in terms of interests, hobbies, or how you like to spend your time, you should tell her that. That may be a good way to let her know that you aren’t just generally disinterested, but you just don’t have the right ingredients for a romantic relationship. If you’d like to remain friendly with her, tell her that. Be mindful about what you claimed were your intentions from the beginning, because those can and will be thrown in your face and used against you. Be prepared for that with a ready answer.

Whatever you do, DO NOT tell her “It’s not you, it’s me.” You might as well shank yourself and save an hour if you go that route.

2. Be Direct.

When I say this, I mean two things- (i) use the right diction, clear and concise language, and (ii) choose your medium wisely. Let’s tackle the first one. When I say be direct and use the right diction, you need to have a clear grasp on what you want to say before you say it. Don’t freestyle a breakup. Think of it as a press conference. You’re going to get questions you are and are not prepared for. If you are 90% sure you’re going to get a certain question, have a ready answer. Use clear and concise language. Don’t sugarcoat. Give it to her straight, no chaser so there’s NO room for rationalization or interpretation with her girlfriends during post-game analysis.

Choose your medium wisely means you should really know when to text, call, email and show up in person. Nothing is more insulting than getting sensitive news via text or email, when the subject matter, and the person delivering it, is important enough to warrant AT LEAST a call. I know text provides yet another passive aggressive shield for dudes, but come on. You wouldn’t want to hear that your mom died, or your dog died for that matter, via text… so why would you want to tell someone you want to cease and desist all contact via text? That’s cowardly. Phone or in person are best.

3. Do it ASAP.

Let’s keep it real. Dragging anything out longer than it needs to be is like ripping off a damn near glued on band-aid slowly. That’s all bad. Trust me. If you want to ensure someone is angry with you and feels like you were taking advantage of them or playing with their emotions… stall when doing something important. Sure, no one wants to hear that they aren’t all you ever dreamed they would be, but guess what? The sooner you tell them, the sooner you can stop blocking their blessings and your own. If you know you aren’t willing to give ole girl another shot, then tell her now before she fills another notebook with variations of her married name with your surname on the end.

Also, think realistically.  It’s a recession.  Stop spending money (and time that you could be using to try to make money) on chicks you know you don’t like.

Date Responsibly,
Bari

If you have a question for Bari, email her at askbari@gmail.com

Dear Bari,

I just moved to a new city and haven’t really gotten the vibe of the people yet.  I’m from the South, where most people are friendly so I smile and say hello when I see brothas.  That’s just what we do where I’m from.  However, I notice that this has many men approaching me.  While I’m open to meeting guys, I don’t want to date everyone that says hello to me.  What’s the best way to turn them down?

- Smiley

Hey Smiley,

Well, based on your description of the area, I’d assume that you either went from the South to the West or North.  I know this because in California, especially in the Bay, if you smile at a guy too long that’s like an invitation for him to show interest.  We just aren’t all that cheery and bright and what not.  Furthermore, in Oakland, if you smile too long and then say you aren’t interested don’t be surprised if you get called everything but a child of God and have a bottle thrown in your direction (shout outs to Hilltop Mall in Richmond)… but this isn’t about me.

A nice way to turn a man down, short of lying and saying your engaged, married or otherwise preoccupied, is to just thank him profusely for the compliment and that you admire him for coming over and approaching you, and while you are flattered you are not interested because of ________________.  What’s the blank you ask?  That could be “I’m concentrating on my career,” “I’m preoccupied with family issues right now,”  “I just want to focus on myself for the time being,” etc.  Or you could resort to lying by saying you have a man and what not.  I don’t advocate lying, but sometimes that’s the easiest way to tell a mooftagem you aren’t interested.

Now, I know some women who have thought they let a man down gently by giving them a fake phone number.  Unless you are under 16, or like being publicly embarrassed, this is a bad idea.  What’s a little public embarrassment, you say?  Well… as I stated earlier, I’m from the Bay, the home of game.  I was once at On Broadway (hey, sometimes you want to party amongst the white tee element- RIP you tacky club) a few years ago with some friends and after the club let out, you saw all these people scrambling for numbers.  One young lady decided to give her “number” to a guy she clearly had no intention of talking to.  I mean, even I could see that and I didn’t know either one of them.  Well, ole boy pulled out his cell phone and dialed the number and when someone else answered it he pimp slapped her in front of the entire crowd on a busy street.  That’s when I ran.  So that is a clear example of what not to do.

In short, I support being honest with someone, but also telling them how much you appreciate their interest.  Remember that it took that guy a little nerve to approach you, and we all like to feel wanted.  It’s flattering.  However, we don’t want to feel rejected.  So when you let him down, let him down with a smile, thank him for his honesty and the compliment, but be honest about your situation.  Now, if his approach is out of pocket, feel free to tell him to “Kick rocks,” and tell him I sent you.  Then run.

Date responsibly,
Bari

Ahhhh…yes.  The holidays.  It’s the time that you gather around with your family in bad weather which prevents escapes and excuses to leave the homestead for greener pastures.  It’s the most wonderful, or horrible, time of the year depending upon who you ask.  With this being the beginning of Christmas Week, and folks hitting the highways, railroads and airport waiting lines to get home, we here at Sassy thought we’d provide you with the top 4 tips for “how to survive the holidays” guide.

1. Under no circumstances are you to call your brother-in-law’s girl a bitch at the dinner table. Learn from my mistakes, people!

Allow me to explain myself.  I’m generally a nice, reserved, well-mannered person.  However, I am also someone who will give you the honest truth… but ONLY when you ask for it.  What I’ve learned in the last 3 years is that the holidays are NOT the time to provide honest truth.  This is the time that you need to tell folks what they want to hear, or to just defer to silence if you can’t drum up the energy to make people feel good.

2. Under no circumstances should you drink your sorrow away should you become the victim of a wayward “bitch” thrown around at a dinner table. This just leads to crashed cars and DUIs.

Alcohol is not your friend, people.  Let me tell you why: (1) it alters your judgment; (2) imbibing no doubt leads to moments of honesty that could have been avoided; and (3) police checkpoints are the rule, NOT the exception, from Thanksgiving until Jan. 2.  If you have a problem with your Cousin Melissa, it’s best to just keep it cordial and then keep it moving… but whatever you do, don’t drown your sorrows.

3. Please do not discuss your ‘ethnic problems’ at your non-ethnic friends/families dinner tables.

Sorry, folks.  No one wants to hear about the any of that.  For clarification, ethnic problems include, but are not limited to- foreclosure, Ray Ray’s expulsion from school, missed Medical payments, your fight for child support, etc.  It’s the holidays! People are trying to be festive (or at least get drunk enough to forget their problems to ‘act’ festive- but see #2 as a cautionary tale)… so they don’t need your Debbie Downer ass coming to their house with your black problems messing up their perfectly good holiday.

** Special note: Unemployment is excluded from this year’s ‘ethnic problems’ list as that mess is running rampant… so everyone’s fair game.  The recession is the great equalizer.

4. Gifts: (a) No re-gifting, (b) No giving gifts without including gift receipts and; (c) No pretending you have a gift for someone when you see them on Christmas Eve and then buying and presenting it to them Dec. 27.

(a) This is the cardinal sin of cheapness.  Those that do this usually do it for two reasons- to save on gift giving for someone else, and to get an unwanted item out of their house.  Re-gifting something that someone else got you says more about you than about the person you are giving this hand-me-down gift to.  It says that you don’t think much of the person who is receiving the gift, to the point that you couldn’t be bothered to put any thought, energy or cash into it.  So why bother?  Just give them a card… or a hug.  Or nothing.

(b) Please don’t give someone a sweater with dancing elves or Scottie dogs on it and then have the nerve to not include a gift receipt.  It’s only fair to give folks the option to not have to keep that monstrosity if they don’t want it.  Don’t deprive them of that right.

(c) Second only to re-gifting is telling someone before Christmas that you have a gift for them… only to be waiting for the “day after” sales to purchase said gift.  Here’s a tip- just don’t lie about it.  Don’t offer up gifts you don’t have, or don’t have the money for.

The solution to all of these problems?  Just give a card, and write a heartfelt message inside… or do nothing.  Both of those options look better than the three examples provided above.  Plus, this saves on fights between you and Aunt Jackie when she realizes you gave Cousin Reese the sweater that she gave you last Christmas.

~Bari

Hi folks! I had…uhhhh…an extended summer vacation of sorts, but now I’m back to answer questions and give you observations and perceptions of a married woman on how to best navigate this maze called “the dating scene.”

That said, I’ve been struck by certain things I’ve noticed this summer- namely women who claim to be single by choice, but are really single by circumstances of their own making.

I attribute this new phenomenon to women refusing to “date within their means.” We’re always taught as children to dream big because we’re told “you can be anything you want to be.” We quickly learn that this is piece of information is filled with caveats- in order to really exercise the options to be anything you want to be, you must make the grades, have the requisite extracurricular activities and truly apply yourself to be competitive. This also applies to dating.

Now, allow me to clarify that I’m not saying that there’s a dating caste system that some people are held to. However, I am saying that perhaps we need to reevaluate our standards. This is the typical wish list of most black women (including my friends): “I want a hedge fund manager with a BA from Yale, an MBA from Harvard, he’s 6’3,” with a swimmer’s body, and looks like Morris Chestnut.”

So what is the problem, you ask? Well, a lot of women requesting this exhaustive list have a college degree from Podunk State, no advanced degree, stands 5’3” in stature and doesn’t work out, and works an entry level marketing job. Simply put, if you live at home with your mom (and not to save money for a home of your own, but to spend all your money on clothes and ill-fitting shoes), have a B.A., no advanced degree, average to moderately good looking, yes you may have a chance at landing an i-banker or entertainment executive of your dreams…for the time being (which from my observations is about 2 years, tops). However, you will probably have an issue keeping him. Why? Well, you don’t have much in common and probably socialize in different circles, for starters.

You can’t ask for what YOU do not have. How dare you ask someone to come to the table with something you not only do not have, but in some instances will NEVER even have access to? That’s unrealistic, and I think is a reason why women of all calibers (dimes, nickels, pennies- yes pennies need love too) end up alone. We apply the notion of “being/having anything we want to be/have” to dating, and the competition is not comparable. There is always someone prettier, more accomplished, smarter, better connected, more physically fit, etc.

So all of this to say…while I encourage and support my sisters to “aim high,” “dream big,” and all those other aspirational sayings your mother’s whispered in your ears, I am more inclined to tell you to be realistic as well. Consider this- if you expect all of these things from a man, what do you think he expects from you? Think about it.

Date responsibly.

Bari

I was inspired to write this week, as opposed to answering a question. After seeing an early screening of Sex and the City tonight (Note: There are no spoilers located within this piece) , it got me to thinking about two of the themes of the series, which seem to underscore the movie as well. It was forgiveness and faith. The two were constantly intertwined. For those unfamiliar with the series, the protagonist, Carrie, is in a seemingly emotionally abusive relationship with the elusive Mr. Big for most of the show’s six year run. The gist of their relationship is she steps out on faith and reveals her emotions, he may or may not return them, he *always* does something to demonstrate that he’s in the power position in the relationship, shows her that she’s disposable, eventually cuts her loose and then decides one day to entertain her again…and she waits for him every time. Lather, rinse, repeat.

The problem with this is that Carrie isn’t forgiving and faithful, at least not in my opinion. She’s either into S&M, a glutton for punishment, or worse…a woman who lives her life rationalizing other people’s behavior so as not to examine her own. How many of us have been “Carries” in relationships? I can admit that I have been twice. How many of us realized that the actual rule is 2 strikes and you’re out, because only a fool would go back for thirds? I did. Well, sadly, there are still some “Carries” out there. I’m here to help. (Please note the date. This is one of the only times in life I will ever utter or type those words.) To that end, let’s have a prayer circle.

First, ladies, stop focusing on what something COULD be and take it for what it actually is. Today. In your face. We are often guilty of focusing too much on the potential and not enough on the reality of a situation- or as we learned in love jones, “the possibility of things.” Let’s remember that Larenz Tate was saying that that was the equivalent of romance, not the recipe to a lasting relationship.

It is being guilty of the first offense which leads to the second…not believing someone when they show or tell you who they are. This is the cardinal sin of rationalization, which I would have made #1, but you need the foundation of potential in order to justify your rationalizations. Still unsure? Here’s an example- a guy and girl are hanging out. The man may have made subtle gestures to demonstrate interest in a physical relationship. The woman interprets this to mean that he is interested. However, the conversation consists of him telling you about his romantic exploits with other women. This is HUGE. This mean: (1) he is still dating/seeing/sexing/etc. other women and; (2) doesn’t feel the need to hide this information. This typically indicates he has no plans in the near future to stop dating/seeing/sexing these other women. The problem with all of this is that rationalization leads to women mistaking attention (ANY kind, good or bad) as some form of caring and concern. WRONG. Sometimes it’s merely a form of “who can I get into tonight (with the least amount of effort)?” But to a woman looking for love or affection, this is justified as interest, and his admissions are seen as ‘honesty.’

There are a million other examples and sins that can be detailed, but that’s not the point. The most ridiculed and easily dismissed character was Charlotte- for her wide-eyed idealism and naiveté. Let’s not be so quick to dismiss her. While hopeful, optimistic and a romantic at heart, Charlotte was quite strategic and up on game when it came to romance. Perhaps that is why she was the most fulfilled at the end of the series. If we put half as much energy into strategizing and disciplining our love lives as we did career moves, investments and our standing biweekly hair appointments, we may end up just as happy as she is. I say keep hope alive, but be realistic about your hope. In order to do that, you have to be realistic and strategic with your approach.

Here’s hoping you all enjoy the movie this weekend…and it sparks as much discussion for you as it did for me. Happy trails.

Dear Bari,

Lately I feel like I’ve been bombarded with the message that you should be friends first with a person before you actually date them. This makes a lot of sense except for the fact that I have absolutely no idea of how to do this.

When I’m attracted to someone, it tends to get physical. Not necessarily right away, but sooner than later. Can you be physical and be friends? How do I get a guy I like to understand that I want to be friends first so we can move onto something meaningful later? Because honestly, when I hear the word “friend” I automatically think of the “friend zone” and that’s not the place to be for me. Can you help me Bari?

- Utterly Confused

Hey UC- let me see if I understand you. You want to figure out how to develop emotional intimacy before physical intimacy. This seems simple enough. Work on getting to know your new friend before you consider giving up the goods. Think of it like this…you wouldn’t loan your car to a stranger, right? So then why would you grant access to the most precious thing you own to a stranger? You should check out their driving record and insurance coverage first. Follow my drift? I mean…if you’re all about handing over the keys before doing all that, do you. Just know it’s not the smartest thing you could ever do.

I feel like you don’t have an unusual problem. Folks in our age group (roughly those born in 1978 and after) are what I call the “instant gratification” generation. Now before you start calling me a crotchety old woman (and yes, I am in some ways, and probably worse than your grandma, so get over it), I just think it’s wise to postpone certain types of gratification to even figure out if it’s worth the time and effort invested for the potential return on investment. I think it’s smarter to do due diligence before you get physically intimate with someone. Let’s think about why.

You say you want to enter a relationship. Well, if you start off by defining your new relationship as one for merely jump-off purposes, chances are your potential partner won’t see you as anything other than a good-time girl. You’re setting up expectations for nothing more than a sexual relationship, whether you want more or have more to offer than that. For that reason, I wouldn’t advocate trying to be physical while building a friendship besides kissing and cuddling. Anything other than that too soon makes you “friends with benefits.” That’s cool if that’s all you want, but it seems that you want a relationship. The benefits of establishing a friendship are that you have learned how a person behaves in different settings while you are friends, so you will be better able to gauge their reactions to similar settings when you move into a more intimate relationship. Most importantly, people get excited about the possibility of a relationship and want to skip steps, and dive head first into a physical relationship. The problem is that they rush into intimacy and romance, and not friendship, which means your relationship is not built on a solid foundation…but quicksand. If you like drama or adventure, then that situation is for you. If not, keep reading.

How do you start a relationship based on friendship? It’s easy enough. How have you made friends with all of the friends you already have? Instead of spending time rounding the various bases, spend that time getting to know one another. Share hobbies, experiences and good conversation. You make a date to go on an activity which is centered on a shared interest…WITH CLOTHES ON. The “date” can start off with someone (either you or him) suggesting that you get together and see _____ (exhibit/movie/play) or do _____ (insert shared activity/interest here). From there you build a rapport- find out what one another likes, dislikes, and how they respond in different situations. It’s not as hard as you think. The key to building a great friendship with a romantic interest is the same as a great friendship you have with a friend- trust and mutual respect built upon a foundation of shared experiences and conversations.

Just remember that it’s smarter to take your time getting to know someone because you can avert disaster in various forms- baby daddies and “gifts” that keep on giving years after the gift-giver is out of the picture. Who knows…you may find that you aren’t even that interested after a couple dates, or that you’re “soulmates” (which is another post for another day). Either way, you’ll have enough information to make an informed decision. Good luck! Happy trails…

Bari

If you have questions for Bari, please email them to askbari@gmail.com.

Dear Bari,

I’m what some people would call a man’s man. I’m also what most would call a good catch, though not unlike other 29 year olds. I like to exercise, I’m an attorney, I eat steaks, I have fun with my friends, I love my family and I watch sports.

Problem is I love girls, girls, girls, girls…girls I do adore, and I have a girlfriend. Well let me be blunt. I’m a hoe. Always have been. Basically – What should a guy do if he is addicted to women (aka, wants to do every fine woman he sees)?

PB&J

.

Hey Peanut Butter and Jelly… wow. Glad to have a guy send in a question! Before we get started, if nothing else, I commend you for your honesty- hoedom aside. I also applaud you attempting to get this out of your system now instead of aging into that 53-year-old dude who will no doubt hit on me in the club this weekend in an effort to see if he still has “it.” For the record, he doesn’t. No old man in the club does. Tell a friend. Or your dad.

Anyway…the simple answer is break up with your girl and stay single. Nowhere in your message did I see any reason for you to be in a relationship- no “I really like her,” or “I love my girl but I am still attracted to others”… nothing. However, you know you can’t get off that easily because then I wouldn’t get to practice armchair psychology on you. There are three ways you can look at this. What’s behind door #1? There’s an issue with this specific relationship with this particular woman. What’s behind door #2? It’s a personal problem (or preference depending on how you look at it) that will rear its ugly head in all of your relationships that only you can decide to remedy. So what’s behind door #3? Bad timing. Let’s explore all options.

First, if you have a girlfriend and still feel the urge to do every fine woman you see, then perhaps something is wrong with your relationship with your girlfriend. Maybe the two of you just aren’t compatible, so that’s why she’s not keeping your attention. Now, I don’t know all of the ins and outs of your relationship, but I didn’t read one reason as to why you actually stay, but a good reason for why you should leave. Let me give you a piece of advice…the cure to whatever is ailing your relationship with *this* woman is not to be found in the arms (or between the legs) of another woman. Period. If you can’t work it out with this woman, and you are certain of that, then let her go. You are doing both this woman and yourself a disservice by letting her twist in the wind thinking she has a fighting chance of making you happy when you know good and well that she can’t. Stop stalling.

Second, maybe monogamy, long-term commitment or even marriage isn’t for you. I’m here to say that there’s nothing wrong with that. I’m also here to say that it’s easy as hell to say that at 29 years old. Not so much when you are eating chicken pot pie alone on some random Sunday in June that you later realize is Father’s Day when you’re 67. That said, I think that people oftentimes take societal expectations for granted. They never critically think for themselves if what they’ve been force-fed since birth about life’s “goal” being a house, a spouse, kids and a dog is really what they want. Sure, it may be what your mom wants and what you see on TV and in movies…but is that conducive to the lifestyle you picture for yourself? Only you know the answer to that. If you want to be free to have the option to always seize the day with a new woman, this may be something to seriously consider.

Third, maybe now is just not the time for a relationship. It could feasibly be a combination of options 1 and 2. It may be even simpler than that. While you didn’t give me a lot of facts to work with, you may have just passed the bar, gotten a firm job and are experiencing all the opportunities available to an eligible man with a six figure salary. No problem with that, and no need to feel guilty because it happens all the time. I see dudes doing the fool based on this scenario every year, especially come November when Bar results are released. Live it up…but first let your girl down gently so you can fully enjoy all the prospects at your feet and not a moment before.

So, what’s the point to all of this? Stay single. Don’t commit to someone if you are not ready. It’s clear that you are not ready at this time, and there is nothing wrong with that. Make sure you provide full disclosure so that you give women enough information about what you seek so that they can make an informed decision about how to proceed with you (or not). As long as you are honest about what you are looking for with the women you are seeing everyone wins. In the meantime, I’d advise that you do some soul searching about what you’d like your life to look like at 67. You may even include watching “I Think I Love My Wife” in your analysis. In time, you may find that you’re ready to settle down. You may find you like being an addict. Either way, honesty is the best policy…with yourself and others. Happy trails…

Bari

If you have questions for Bari, please email them to askbari@gmail.com.

Dear Bari,
I’m in a new relationship with this great guy that I’ve met. What’s even more awesome is that I’m a teacher and he’s an artist, so our schedules are compatible and we’ve been spending a lot of time together. It’ll be even better in two months once summer rolls around. I really like him a lot and the feeling is mutual. There’s just one problem…I can’t let my guard down.

I am scared to open myself up to him and fall in love. I guess after enough negative dating experiences, such as the other person not calling when they promised to, breaking dates or disappearing altogether, I’ve noticed that my perception of dating has changed and now I start to expect the worst. It’s kind of like negative conditioning, or Pavlov’s dog. If you keep putting your hand on a hot stove, after a while you don’t want to do it anymore. So, I find myself self-sabotaging wherever possible. For one, though I’m the only person he’s seeing, I am still casually seeing other people. I’m not really into them, but they keep me occupied and less focused on him. Sometimes I will use the same tricks that were pulled on me against him. He’ll call me and I won’t answer. He leaves a message, I don’t return the call for a day or two- stuff like that.

I spend my time trying to find reasons to avoid generating real feelings for this man, and I’m reading too far much into every little thing he does that annoys me in an attempt to prepare for an exit strategy. I always have an exit strategy ready, and I don’t quite know how to fall in love in a relaxed and paced manner. My friends are sick of me now, and I am getting sick of myself. I want an excuse to break it off with him, but at the same time he’s so great and puts up with all of the things I throw his way. I secretly hope he stops me and reassures me… even though I’m pushing him away because every little thing he does puts me on edge.

Did you ever go through this? If so, did you ever have a moment where you were just completely honest with your partner and laid it out on the table like, “Look, I have an exit strategy, show me something and help me put it away…” or… did u just deal with it yourself?

I have no idea what to do… I am having such a hard time tearing down this wall. He is amazing and I need to just relax and let this happen. Can you tell me how to do that, please?

Thanks Bari,

Kara

*******************

Hi Kara! Let’s settle in…cause I’m gonna testify with this one.

Your problem is that you’re finding reasons to NOT want a dude that wants you…that you also (reluctantly) want? Girl, you need to just STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING and relax. There are chicks out here wishing they had that problem!

I totally understand what you’re saying, though. I stayed with an exit strategy, and on occasion a full roster and some draft picks, when I first started dating someone just in case things didn’t work out. Then one day I had an epiphany- that’s not a way to LIVE or to give and receive love.

To that end, you seem to be doing a cost/benefit analysis of this man. That’s both good and bad. It’s good because you are doing inventory on what you adore about him, what irks you, and cataloging what could be deal-breakers. That’s very wise. However (cause you knew it was coming), what is bad about this is that you are doing this solely for the purpose of justifying a reason to bounce from the relationship. That’s not productive. You take a person- good and bad- for all they are worth. I was always taught that you have two choices: (1) take people as they are or; (2) don’t deal with them. Clearly, you think the man’s good outweighs the bad, or else you would’ve already left. So what you are doing at this point is a disservice to both of you. Stop LOOKING for things to justify YOUR fears. If you are always looking for evidence of bad behavior, you will no doubt find it. You’ll only find it because you’ve only got your radar tuned to that frequency, though. Feel me?

Yes, I went through this. I was in a decent relationship for all of my college years (shout out to A-dog, hope your mama finally stopped hating on the women you bring home!) but some things that occurred made me cynical and reluctant to trust a man after breaking up with him and entering the dating scene…even a man I’ve known as long as my husband. I was honest with him about being scared and the reasons why. It was a good conversation, and we were able to tackle things head on and go from there. It’s amazing what being honest will do for you. But the key to that is…you have to be willing to be vulnerable. Though we’ve all been hurt in the past (and I could share some stories with you, girl) that is no reason to shut yourself off from love.

Also, just because he tells you something that may assuage your fears in that moment doesn’t mean something won’t happen that will trigger them again. That’s where you have to do the personal work. You have to examine WHY you are questioning someone’s ability to love you, and why you are reluctant to accept it but all too willing to push it away. He can’t help you with that. Only you can do that.

Instead of looking for things to irk you and justify your need to dismiss him, keep basking in his good qualities. Let the good outweigh the bad. No one is perfect, including you, but falling in love is more about enjoying your time, developing feelings from the time spent, and letting yourself get swept away with the feeling…not trying to reign it in.

Enjoy it. Enjoy the time you spend together. Just have fun and let it go wherever it will go. It is when you step back and ponder the relationship too much that you wind up talking yourself out of love. As always, I advise you to keep your expectations in check, and remember that not every relationship is the same, because every person isn’t the same. Making yourself vulnerable to the pain of loss, also opens up the opportunity to feel great joy. But you can’t feel either emotion fully, for better or worse, when you’re closed off…and then you’re simply missing out on life.  Happy trails…

Bari

If you have questions for Bari, please email them to askbari@gmail.com.

Dear Bari,

I need your expert advice on a situation involving Sammy, a college guy-friend. A female friend and I befriended Sammy during our sophomore year. We all hung out a lot, but sometimes he and I would hangout by ourselves. Nothing ever happened because I had a boyfriend and we were just friends, but I always really liked who he was as a person. He’s a great, wonderful guy and one of the few truly kind souls I know. During a brief break up with my man, I entertained the ‘more than friends’ thought but I quickly pushed it aside when I remembered Sammy complaining about how female friends were always telling him they had more than friendly feelings for him. Sammy ended up transferring and I purposely fell out of contact with him because my man knew I once entertained romantic aspirations and I agreed it wasn’t right for me and Sam to be friends.

Fast forward to 2008. The boyfriend and I break up. I reunite with Sammy on MySpace and subsequently move to his area for 5 months (for reasons unrelated to him). Sammy flirts a wee bit on MySpace and when I finally arrive we hang out 1-3 times a week, every week. Sounds perfect, except nothing romantic/sexual/other ever happens. Nothing. Ever. Plus I once saw a condom wrapper on his TV stand and the next time I visited, it was gone. Oh well, I thought.

End of story right? Kinda. We continued to hang out, as friends, but every so often Sammy would through me a curve ball. He gives mixed signals, explaining every detail of a trip he took Friday, but carefully leaving out the gender of a friend who spends the night on Saturday; when he takes call while we’re hanging out , one day he’ll tell me who each person is and mention he’s with a friend, but the next he won’t tell me anything or tell the caller he’s with somebody. He never sits next to me when I come over, but he never asks me to leave either, no matter how late it gets.

So, I’m left at a loss. I think he may have some feelings for me, but not want to take a chance messing up a solid and good friendship for a few weeks or months of sex or whatever. Do I take the leap and ask him if he has more than friendly feelings for me or do I let it quietly fade to black and pull some Bridges of Madison County type ish?

Let me know Bari, Love Prophet to the young, bougie, and fabulous.

Dejuana Lee-Jones

Dear Dee- can I call you Dee? It doesn’t matter because I will anyway. You’re a long-winded kind of chick, huh?

First things first. Get off of MySpace. Expeditiously. It is the modern day Black Planet circa 2003 when it was on the downward slide to nowhere. It’s not a good look for a presumably educated woman such as yourself, especially if you have one of those pages that loads extra slow due to all of the applications, backgrounds, songs and slideshows you have on there. It is the Cabrini Green/Acorn complex (shout out to my Oakland folks) of the ‘net. That said- do as I say, not as I do.

Now that that is taken care of, let’s get to your main issue- fear. There seems to be an element of fear on both sides at play, but we’re here to focus on you, not him. For one, you seem to be guilty of one of my cardinal sins here- rationalization. What’s that, you say?

Rationalization is the process of constructing a logical justification for a belief, decision, action or lack thereof that was originally arrived at through a different mental process. It is a defense mechanism in which unacceptable behaviors or feelings are explained in a rational or logical manner; this avoids the true explanation of the behavior or feeling in question.

To be SASSY is not to rationalize the behaviors of another, particularly a man, to try to get an answer that may be palatable to you. Just because an answer to a question, through a verbal or physical action or lack thereof, is not the one that you want does not negate that an answer was given. However, if he wants to discuss his fear, tell him to send me a letter and I’ll overanalyze him, too, with his permission. Back to you…

You seem to be afraid to ask for what you want. I’m going to hit you with a cliché- closed mouths don’t get fed. If you want to know something, you have to ask the question and then gauge the reaction/actions that follow! This applies in everyday life, but also when attempting to glean information from a man. In your case, you’ve been sitting around trying to rationalize why he does what he does- looking for clues. “He did _____, does this mean he likes me?” Well, unless you like spinning your wheels or you enjoy armchair psychology for fun, the easiest way to find the answer to this question is to simply ask, and then see if his actions match his words.

What are you afraid of? Rejection? An admission of mutual interest? What? You have known this man for several years it seems, and have developed a strong friendship. If based on nothing else, his answer should be honest due to that fact. Let’s analyze the possible answers:

• 1. He says “I’m flattered, but I’m not interested. I’d like to remain friends.” Well, no harm, no foul.
• 2. He says, “I’m flattered, but I’m not interested. Furthermore, I told you before that all my female friends end up liking me and so I think we’ve come to the end of the road.” In this scenario, you may have an awkward interaction or two, but in this situation, more often than not the friendship returns after brief strain. Worst case scenario, he no longer wants to be bothered. Well, that doesn’t leave you too far off from where you started 5 months ago, since you just reconnected.
• 3. He says, “I’m flattered, I’m interested as well, but aren’t you leaving soon?” This response allows you to set up any number of entertaining and fulfilling situations…from casual dating, to a few weeks/months of intimacy if that’s what you’re looking for, etc. As long as everyone is upfront with their wants and expectations, it should not be a problem.
• 4. He says, “I’m flattered, I’m interested as well…and I’m glad you said something.” You know the rest. You can go from there…

None of these answers are that bad, and if your friendship is as seemingly solid as you’ve lead me to believe, it shouldn’t be hard to regroup should the answer be one of the first two options. However, before you broach the subject with him, and while you get your nerve up, ask yourself a few questions. What are you going to do with this information once you receive it? Well, that depends on what you are *really* looking for. Point being…first, you need to identify (and be able to articulate) what you want from this man. Once you have figured that out, I would ask the necessary questions, and let this man know…but make no mistake, I would know what I had in mind before I even raise the topic. Think of it this way, if you put what you want into a realistic perspective and the proper context, you may find that the answer doesn’t matter, takes on greater significance or you could take it or leave it. That’s huge! So do that personal work first.

Lastly, while “The Bridges of Madison County” was a good book (and movie)… everyone was left with a sense of longing and ‘what if’ at the end. No one was happy, or even satisfied with their choice, just resolved to their circumstances. No sense in having that feeling when you don’t need to. Happy trails…

Bari

If you have questions for Bari, please email them to askbari@gmail.com.