Dear Bari,

What is the best way to tell a man you’re just not that into him? He’s really nice, but I don’t see it going anywhere.  Just seems wrong to drag this out any further.

Hi Jasmine,

Remember when you were little and your mama or grandmother or someone told you that “honesty was the best policy?”  Yeah, you do?  Well, they were right.  The key here is to be honest but kind and considerate of the other person’s feelings.  That’s just part one of two, though.

No one likes rejection.  You have to keep that in mind.  The second part of this equation, and equally important part I might add, is the method.  We have all this new fangled technology now that allows people to get out of doing things they don’t want to do by avoidance.  Well, simply put, that’s wrong when it comes to break-ups.  If you are going to break up with someone, at least have the decency to do it either face-to-face or by phone.

DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT break up with someone via text.  It says more about you than it does about them or how you valued your relationship and their time.  It makes you look like a straight donkey.  Now, if you don’t care about your reputation or hurting this dude’s feelings, then have at it.  I’d advice against it because you also don’t know what folks are truly capable of until you hurt their feelings.  If you don’t mind having your tires slashed or bad things said about you in dating game version of telephone, then gon’head and break up with ole boy via text or email.  What happens afterwards is on you, though.

Lastly, treat others how you’d like to be treated.  If nothing else, remember that.  Someone may be wondering the same thing about you in a few months and you know what they say about karma…

Happy dumping!
Bari

When I was in undergrad, my best friend went through a phase where everything and everyone was stupid.  All day long “this is stupid” or “you are stupid.”   It wasn’t until I called myself stupid (probably before she got a chance to) that she realized that this habit was destructive and she should drop it.  And she did.  Unfortunately for me, the habit of bad talking continued on and still does.  And it’s totally crazy because everyone thinks I’m smart, or at least, people only tell me I’m smart, no one’s called me stupid in a really long time.

I knew in the beginning of my happiness journey that the bad talk was going to be my biggest obstacle.  And it is certainly harder to stop than I imagined.  In my pursuit of happiness, I’m reading pretty much everything I can get my hands on about happiness.  I’m currently reading When Am I Going to Be Happy?: How to Break the Emotional Bad Habits That Make You Miserable (I know, I know, I hate the title too).  In that chapter I’m reading, she recommends talking tenderly to yourself when you normally would have said something negative to yourself.  The point is to be forgiving of yourself because we are humans and we make mistakes.  She recommends rationally and logically going through whatever set you off (in my case, it will most likely be this paper I’ve been working on all month, so something like “You’ve been working diligently on this paper for a month and it’s still not in the place you want it to be (read: finished), but it is in much better shape than it was in the beginning of the month and if you keep working at this pace, it will be done by next week.  This process is taking longer than you wanted, but that’s what happens in academic writing (hell, any writing)”) and ending with “It’s ok, sweetheart.”

So my goal, is to say something along those lines when inevitably I become frustrated with this paper instead of my handy “You’re stupid, this paper is never going to get done.” Oh, and I’ll end it with “It’s ok, darling.” Because I love darling so much more than sweetheart.  I’ll report back with progress reports.  Wish me luck.

So what say you friends?  Would you consider doing this to combat your negative self talk?

e.

So very late with this, but maybe two or three weeks ago Leah shared this article with me and now I want to share it with you.  Finding a mentor can be difficult, that doesn’t mean that you can’t mentor yourself in the meantime.  Check out Mary Jane Hurst’s article on mentoring yourself.  Some tidbits of advice are recognizing that everything you do is a choice and taking responsibility for your choices and picking your battles carefully.  Read on.

peace,
e.

First thanks for all your advice and support through the drama that is dealing with our deadbeat roommate.  Yup, that’s him above. If you see him in the DC  area (that’s where he went) and he wants to be your roommate, run screaming in the opposite direction. (That wasn’t very nice of me)

So we decided not to take him to small claims court.  We know that we would win, but we also know that the deadbeat would not show… ever.  And even if he did show, he would not pay.  And small claims courts doesn’t enforce its ruling, so it wouldn’t be worth all the hassle.

Our next option is to send collections after him.  I haven’t figured out how to do this yet, but it might not be worth is as he already has 8 accounts in collections.  So it’s almost like, what’s one more.  (Yeah, he’s a super deadbeat.)

We haven’t seen or heard from the deadbeat since.  One of us would have probably ended up in jail if that had happened, so that’s a relief.

We ended up paying deadbeat’s rent but luckily we quickly found a 3rd roommate to help pay the rest of July’s rent.  He seems really cool.

Oh SASSY ladies (and gents), if you only knew about the day I’ve had today.

Long story short I have a deadbeat roommate.  Early on he showed deadbeat tendencies, such as smoking in his room even though our lease says not and stinking up the house with the smoke.  But I try to see the good in people, and figured that even though he was a jerk most of the time, he would never go into full asshole mode (sorry for the swears Mom).  Today he showed me wrong.

Essentially for 2 weeks we’ve been asking this dude to pay his rent and for 2 weeks he’s said he wants to use his security deposit to do so. *insert screwface here*  Even though that makes no sense (as our lease isn’t up until 2 months and because there’s a 90% chance we’re not going to get that deposit back (see my “f this couch” album for why)), he insisted that this was his plan.  I thought he might split but I didn’t actually do it.  But he did it.  We came home today and his stuff was gone and his keys were on the coffee table.  This fool really moved out when we were at work.  And had the nerve the email saying essentially “I’m out.  Good luck.”  So so lame.

So what’s a SASSY woman to do?

Initially I kicked myself for not changing the lock on his bedroom door.  I figured as long as his stuff was in the house, he couldn’t possibly just split.  A little research showed me that this was illegal, so it’s best that I didn’t actually get around to changing that lock.

So I turned to my favorite lawyer, of Ask Bari fame, and she gave me some good advise.  Essentially she told me, the moment this fool said I’m not paying rent and moved all his stuff out the apartment, he committed anticipatory repudiation. He breached our contract (the lease) and we can now file breach of contract suits against him.  Even though this will be a mega headache, this dude is messing with my money.  And we can’t have that, can we ladies and gents?

Unfortunately, we still have to pay the full amont of rent in the meantime – we all signed the lease and are therefore responsible for paying rent.  It totally sucks, but I’m not going to mess with our landlady, who is a lawyer, and be taken to court myself.

If he’s smart, he’ll send a check for two months of rent and call it a day.  If he’s an idiot, which is very likely, we will see him in small claims court.

I’ll let you know how it turns out.

peace,
e.

This weekend I had the pleasure of attending Princeton’s Graduate Women of Color Caucus’s conference, The Changing Role and Influence of Women of Color in Society. It was such a great experience. The keynote was by Dr. Ruth Simmons (current President of Brown, former President of Smith (whoot whoot)). She is simply amazing. If you don’t know about Dr. Simmons, you need to ask someone. She is the Michael Jordan of academia.

She was candid. She was funny. She was honest. Dr. Simmons broke down what we need to succeed in higher education, and especially in some of the most prestigious schools in America.

Know your field. Like really know it. Know the markers of your field. Where should you be published? What prizes should you be striving for? What grants should you be receiving?

Mentors. Of course you know you need a mentor, but how do you know if you have a good mentor. Dr. Simmons told us if all your mentor does is tell you how wonderful you are, get a new mentor. You need a mentor to tell you what’s not pretty.

Let them take credit for your work. It’s happened to her many times before, and it’s bound to happen for you. It’s better for us, if you succeed. Who cares if they want to take credit for it.

This is going to require maturity. Unfair things are going to happen to you. Expect that. So now, how are you going to handle it? You cannot throw a fit. You must handle disappoint with grace. When your boss/professor talks crazy to you, take it. Save the tears for your office.

Don’t let others pacify you. Again, like with your mentors, if you are surrounded by people who only tell you how great you are, be aware. Be your own worst critique. Tear your own work about if you have to.

Endure. Be strong. Do not let grad school break you. You will be dealing with all this drama for a good reason – that good MA or PhD.

Be broad. Most of there are studying something related to people of color, and that is great. But we must remember to be broad enough to affect others. This will also make us more marketable when we hit the job market. It’s important to be near the center. Being in the margin is not where you want to be.

Remember how important you are. Yes, you need the school for an education, but they need you too. The better you are, they better they look. Don’t let them treat you like they are doing you a favor and that you don’t belong. Remember your value to their institution and be good to yourself.

It was exactly what I needed to hear and at the exact time when I needed it most. Thank you Dr. Simmons. You are a gem.

peace,
e.

xposted on evahaldane.com

There are up to 8,000 reasons to buy a home – now or at least by Devember 1, 2009.   The reason is the first time home buyers tax credit of up to $8,000.  To quality for this credit,  you must not have owned a home within the past  3 years and your income must not exceed $75,000 for single tax payers or $150,000 for married taxpayers.    If you are married, both you and your spouse must pass the 3 year test.  The credit is reduced for higher incomes maxing out at $95,000 for single taxpayers and $170,00 for married taxpayers.

For a home to qualify, it must be in the US and used as your primary residence.  This means vacation and rental properties do not qualify.  The home also cannot be bought from a close relative  (e.g. spouse, parent, child).  The credit is for homes that closed between 1/1/09- 12/1/09.  For new construction, the  purchase date is considered the date you occupy the home.

If you sell the home within 3 years of the purchase, you will be required to repay the credit.  The American Recovery & Reinvestment Act of 2009 was signed into law 2/17/2009.  This refundable credit is equal to the lesser of 10% of the purchase price or $8,000 ($4,000 if married filing separately).  Refundable, means the tax credit can offset your federal tax liability with any leftover being refunded to you.

Please contact your tax professional for additional guidance on qualifications for the credit and how it may affect you.

The information provided in these articles is for informational purposes only.  Consult an attorney, banker, mortgage  broker , accountant or other professional for specific advice.

Dear Bari,

What is the best way to break up with someone?  Well, let me explain.  I’ve been seeing this woman casually for about two months, and after four dates and non-regular phone calls, I realize I’m just not that interested.  I don’t want to be cliche, but I’m just not that into her.  What is the best way to let her down gently?

Single in Silicon Valley

Hey Single,

First of all, nice to hear from a guy again.  You’re only our second guy to write in.

Now, I think men tend to drag out breaking up with a woman, or in your case just telling her you don’t see this going any further since you aren’t in a relationship, to avoid hurting her.  I understand.  You often think your phalanges or your car may be in danger.  And sometimes they are.  I think to avoid doing further damage, and to insulate you from bodily injury or property damage, you should do the following three things:

1. Be Honest.

Tell the woman the real reason you don’t think it’s working out, but be nice about it, of course. If you just aren’t compatible in terms of interests, hobbies, or how you like to spend your time, you should tell her that. That may be a good way to let her know that you aren’t just generally disinterested, but you just don’t have the right ingredients for a romantic relationship. If you’d like to remain friendly with her, tell her that. Be mindful about what you claimed were your intentions from the beginning, because those can and will be thrown in your face and used against you. Be prepared for that with a ready answer.

Whatever you do, DO NOT tell her “It’s not you, it’s me.” You might as well shank yourself and save an hour if you go that route.

2. Be Direct.

When I say this, I mean two things- (i) use the right diction, clear and concise language, and (ii) choose your medium wisely. Let’s tackle the first one. When I say be direct and use the right diction, you need to have a clear grasp on what you want to say before you say it. Don’t freestyle a breakup. Think of it as a press conference. You’re going to get questions you are and are not prepared for. If you are 90% sure you’re going to get a certain question, have a ready answer. Use clear and concise language. Don’t sugarcoat. Give it to her straight, no chaser so there’s NO room for rationalization or interpretation with her girlfriends during post-game analysis.

Choose your medium wisely means you should really know when to text, call, email and show up in person. Nothing is more insulting than getting sensitive news via text or email, when the subject matter, and the person delivering it, is important enough to warrant AT LEAST a call. I know text provides yet another passive aggressive shield for dudes, but come on. You wouldn’t want to hear that your mom died, or your dog died for that matter, via text… so why would you want to tell someone you want to cease and desist all contact via text? That’s cowardly. Phone or in person are best.

3. Do it ASAP.

Let’s keep it real. Dragging anything out longer than it needs to be is like ripping off a damn near glued on band-aid slowly. That’s all bad. Trust me. If you want to ensure someone is angry with you and feels like you were taking advantage of them or playing with their emotions… stall when doing something important. Sure, no one wants to hear that they aren’t all you ever dreamed they would be, but guess what? The sooner you tell them, the sooner you can stop blocking their blessings and your own. If you know you aren’t willing to give ole girl another shot, then tell her now before she fills another notebook with variations of her married name with your surname on the end.

Also, think realistically.  It’s a recession.  Stop spending money (and time that you could be using to try to make money) on chicks you know you don’t like.

Date Responsibly,
Bari

If you have a question for Bari, email her at askbari@gmail.com

Okay, maybe titling this post “Funemployment” would have been taking it too far. Having survived a year of unemployment, I have learned that once you have surmounted the depression that La Donna discussed, it is possible to maintain a social life as well. Being unemployed does not simply mean surviving, you are allowed to LIVE. Here are a few tips I’ve gathered from living the unemployed life:

Stretching those dollars:

• Saving aggressively is a good habit to start even if you are employed. It will certainly help you prepare just in case… (I won’t even say the words.)
• Temporary income, i.e. unemployment, gigs, selling things, tax returns are funds that can help tie you over and extend your unemployed survival. Note: I’m not too good for contests and prizes.
• Recession special- Businesses are feeling the pain too. Many are offering ridiculous sales to simply keep the business alive. Make a vow to not pay full price for anything, as was suggested in a previous post.

Support system:

• Pride aside-As La Donna mentioned, friends and family love and want to support you. If they offer help, accept it. If you don’t want to feel indebted, you can repay them when you get back on your feet. It would be worse if you needed help and had no one to help you.
• Unemployeds unite!-Talk to other people in the same situation. Knowing you’re not alone helps, and you all can swap tips of what’s keeping you through the trying time.
• Networking- Surround yourself with people who are in industries you would like to be in. They can offer valuable information and may be helpful from the inside. (I recently realized that all of my previous jobs except one came through referrals from employees of the company.)

Now can I say FUNemployment?

• FREE fun- With Barnes and Noble, Borders and amazon.com practically synonymous with “books,” so many of us have forgotten about the trusty old library that was our good friend back in elementary school. Our long lost friend is still there with a plethora of books AND movies.
• TheUnemployedTourist.com is an odd but interesting site that highlights free activities around NYC.
• Pursue your passions- You new found free time grants you the opportunity to take up that hobby that you’ve been putting off. Nothing is more fulfilling that doing what you love, and it could lead to a lucrative career.

Lady D

Dear Bari,

I just moved to a new city and haven’t really gotten the vibe of the people yet.  I’m from the South, where most people are friendly so I smile and say hello when I see brothas.  That’s just what we do where I’m from.  However, I notice that this has many men approaching me.  While I’m open to meeting guys, I don’t want to date everyone that says hello to me.  What’s the best way to turn them down?

- Smiley

Hey Smiley,

Well, based on your description of the area, I’d assume that you either went from the South to the West or North.  I know this because in California, especially in the Bay, if you smile at a guy too long that’s like an invitation for him to show interest.  We just aren’t all that cheery and bright and what not.  Furthermore, in Oakland, if you smile too long and then say you aren’t interested don’t be surprised if you get called everything but a child of God and have a bottle thrown in your direction (shout outs to Hilltop Mall in Richmond)… but this isn’t about me.

A nice way to turn a man down, short of lying and saying your engaged, married or otherwise preoccupied, is to just thank him profusely for the compliment and that you admire him for coming over and approaching you, and while you are flattered you are not interested because of ________________.  What’s the blank you ask?  That could be “I’m concentrating on my career,” “I’m preoccupied with family issues right now,”  “I just want to focus on myself for the time being,” etc.  Or you could resort to lying by saying you have a man and what not.  I don’t advocate lying, but sometimes that’s the easiest way to tell a mooftagem you aren’t interested.

Now, I know some women who have thought they let a man down gently by giving them a fake phone number.  Unless you are under 16, or like being publicly embarrassed, this is a bad idea.  What’s a little public embarrassment, you say?  Well… as I stated earlier, I’m from the Bay, the home of game.  I was once at On Broadway (hey, sometimes you want to party amongst the white tee element- RIP you tacky club) a few years ago with some friends and after the club let out, you saw all these people scrambling for numbers.  One young lady decided to give her “number” to a guy she clearly had no intention of talking to.  I mean, even I could see that and I didn’t know either one of them.  Well, ole boy pulled out his cell phone and dialed the number and when someone else answered it he pimp slapped her in front of the entire crowd on a busy street.  That’s when I ran.  So that is a clear example of what not to do.

In short, I support being honest with someone, but also telling them how much you appreciate their interest.  Remember that it took that guy a little nerve to approach you, and we all like to feel wanted.  It’s flattering.  However, we don’t want to feel rejected.  So when you let him down, let him down with a smile, thank him for his honesty and the compliment, but be honest about your situation.  Now, if his approach is out of pocket, feel free to tell him to “Kick rocks,” and tell him I sent you.  Then run.

Date responsibly,
Bari