Greetings, SASSY family!  I hope that this finds all of you well.  Over the past few months, there has been a tremendous amount of buzz about Steve Harvey’s #1 New York Times Bestseller “Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man”.  So much buzz that Tuesday marked his second appearance on Oprah since the book’s recent release.   Congratulations and thank you to Steve for sharing this much needed information with the women of the world.  Although I can write and talk about the subject of relationships non-stop, I’ll briefly share my thoughts and the insight that I’ve gained from this book.  I may get some flack for this, but such is life.   And I promise I won’t spoil it for those who’ve yet to read the book.

In my opinion, most women (including myself) have had a hard time receiving the type of relationships and men that we desire because:

1. We don’t take enough time to figure out who we are and what we truly want;
2. What we decide we want is usually based on some outside person or force;
3. We’re in too much of a rush to become a wife and/or mother;
4. We’re slowly losing our ability to partner and support and are becoming more controlling, and
5. We are sometimes delusional, emotional creatures who don’t rely on logic enough.

In the chapter entitled “Men Respect Standards – Get Some”, Steve offers guidance on how to determine exactly what it is we are looking for in men and relationships.  And once we figure that out, we’ve got to stick to it and use that to teach men how to treat us.  Also, don’t just pass out the answers to the test to every man.  Give him the chance to prove that he’s an individual who can think and act on his own.  Slow down.  Be easy.  Do you want to get it done quickly or get it done correctly?

If we spend the majority of our time making the mad dash to the altar and delivery room, jumping from relationship to relationship attempting to train and please every man that comes our way, then how do we have time to get to know ourselves and what our likes, dislikes, and desires are?  And when we aren’t in relationships, we spend loads of time with our girlfriends who are in the same boat.  We have discussions that appease, console and patch up wounds but don’t always help us learn and grow from our experiences because we rarely call our girls out.  Ask YOURSELF questions.  Spend time ALONE, and SIT IN SILENCE more. Otherwise we are always dealing with people and their issues instead our own.  When you take in too many people’s energies and opinions, you risk losing your own energy and opinion.  I promise this will make you a stronger person.

But there’s the issue of women who are too strong, so what of the fine line between strength and independence and being perceived as strong but overbearing?  Take a (long) gander at the chapter entitled “Strong, Independent – Lonely – Women” for Steve’s tips and advice.  There is an art to being a strong, independent woman without overpowering or attempting to control or change our partners.  We must remember what men (not boys) are looking to do for us:  profess their love for us and who we are to them, provide for us, and protect us.  If we present ourselves as men in women’s bodies who can do everything for ourselves and already have everything, then men do not feel needed and believe that there is nothing they can provide for us.  I understand (actually all too well) that it is difficult for most women because we have to serve as both the man and the woman in our households.  We oftentimes get mixed up mentally and emotionally and unintentionally take ourselves out of “the game”.  It’s ok to be a strong woman who knows what she wants and where she wants to go, but it does NOT behoove us to lose our femininity in the process.  After all, this is what draws men to us.

Lastly, I will touch on our moments of female “delusions of grandeur”.  We often allow ourselves to be driven by emotion more than by our God-given logic.  We actually think that we can concoct a formula to change men and put them on our timeline and program.  And this is where the catastrophe starts and the relationship ends.  If we spend more time understanding men, how men think and function, and what drives them instead of how to get them to do what we want them to do, then our lives would be so much easier.   The first eight chapters of Steve’s book give us a view into the minds of men.  According to Steve, men are driven by who they are, what they do, and how much they make, and until they have achieved their goals in all of those areas, men will not allot much time to focus on developing serious relationships with women.

That said, let’s approach this differently, ladies!!  Let go of some of the emotion and melodrama.  Cut the orchestra music, and let’s get real with ourselves.  You know when a man is interested or not.  You know whether he’s spiritually, emotionally, mentally, physically, and financially stable enough to be a potential spouse.  You know whether your requirements and standards (get some) are being met.  You know whether he treats you like someone who’s going to serve a short-term or long-term role in his life.  FOLLOW YOUR GUT (not the gut of someone else).  Don’t sell yourself short!  Don’t count yourself out because you are approaching (or past) 30 years old.  Don’t stay in a subpar relationship because you are afraid to take a risk.  You will most likely meet someone better and also become a better person yourself Just remember to Act Like a Lady, and Think Like a Man.

Peace and blessings,
Quiana

In the highly anticipated yet grossly diluted (this is solely my opinion) CNN series “Black in America”, Michael Eric Dyson stated that he feels that he was afforded more opportunities to have a flourishing, prosperous life than his brother because Eric is of a lighter hue and his brother is darker….and thus incarcerated. The “rapper” Yung Berg went public with his preference for light-skinned women over dark-skinned women. The producer Polow da Don has been long accused of shunning black women completely and targeting white women as potential mates, although he actually prefers “white women with a little black in them and black women with a little white in them” (whatever that means). It’s the year 2008, and “colorism” is still an issue that the African- American race deals with. Is it as big of a deal as we make it out to be? Or are we not focusing on it enough?

Who says beauty, intelligence, and prosperity belongs only to African-Americans of a lighter hue? I’ve heard darker African-American females “hate on” lighter African-American females because they feel that men prefer them with their light skin and “wet and wear” curly hair. An African-American male has once said to me that he thinks that “light-skinned women are crazy…they think the world owes them something because they think they are cute.” Is life really harder for those of us who are darker? I can name several darker African-Americans, including myself, who’ve succeeded without scratching and surviving on an extreme level. Oprah Winfrey. Michael Jordan. Condoleezza Rice. Perhaps anything worth having is based on one’s ability to perform vs. what he or she looks like. There are also lighter African-Americans who’ve had unfortunate situations occur in their lives, past and present. Rosa Parks was asked to sit in the back of the bus like all other African-Americans, and Halle Berry has yet to have a successful marriage. She’s been beaten on and cheated on. Can it get any worse than that?

So, when are we going to stop pointing the finger at others and blaming each other for where we are and how we feel about ourselves? Dyson’s brother isn’t incarcerated because he’s darker. He’s incarcerated due to decisions that he made and activities that he chose to participate in. Is it that Sarah wasn’t offered the job because she’s dark, or because she doesn’t interview well? If that guy passes you over because you are darker, then is that someone that you really need to put your energy and effort into? You are where you are based on decisions you’ve made, regardless of what the influence may have been. Own it.

In my opinion, “colorism” becomes an issue when you value what others think about you more than you value your own opinion of yourself. If you believe that you are intelligent, beautiful, and worthy of nothing less than the best, then no man, woman, child, boss, pastor, spouse, or family member should be able to easily take that away from you whether you are dark, light, black, or white. If I had to put myself in one of two buckets, I’d be in the dark-skinned bucket. As a matter of fact, my “hue bucket assignment” was addressed indirectly a few weeks ago. Case in point, I was out partying in Atlanta recently with one of my friends of a lighter hue. Her male friend says to her, “Oh, I see you have your chocolate friends out with you tonight.” Was I offended? No. Why not? Three things: self-awareness, self-acceptance, and self-love. There’s always room for improvement, and we should all strive to be better people. However, at the end of the day, in the words of Erykah Badu, “I’m alright with me.”

Learn how to block other people and their mess out on occasion, and spend time with yourself. Know yourself. Love yourself and each other. Because society is so wayward and bass-ackward, “colorism” and other “isms” will still exist; however, you’ll be in a better position to combat those negative forces and not let them chip away at your mind, body, and soul.

Build a strong foundation but realize that it starts on the inside, not the outside.

Peace,
Quiana

Picture it: A young lady sitting at her computer staring at the blank white screen of Microsoft Office Word wondering how to start creating the killer resume’ that will land her the job of her dreams. This happens all too often and many of us do not know how to prepare and present a winning resume.

Most of the time, recruiters and employers see your resume before they consider whether or not they will see you. So how do you draw them in so that you are labeled as a valuable candidate and offered that interview? I will provide a five-step method to this madness and help you create that which can lead you to your wildest career dreams.

1. Less Is More.

As someone who has recruited and interviewed several candidates before, I can honestly tell you that every word is not read on a resume, so it’s best to keep it short. Make sure that your resume does not exceed two 8″x11″ pages. I’ve seen resumes tossed to the side and put at the bottom of the pile because the 5 stapled pages full of education and employment experience overwhelmed the recruiting team member to the point of disinterest. ‘Tis a gift to be simple, ladies!

2. Action!

Let’s face it. Resumes can be pretty boring documents, so liven yours up but be sure not to lose the purpose of your message. Don’t merely state what your job description was or is. Instead, vividly tell the recruiting team how you did that job, list the accomplishments you made on that job, and hone in on how those accomplishments were able to benefit your previous or current company but most importantly how you will add value to the employer’s organization. Action words such as “implemented”, “designed”, “collaborated” and “achieved” are your friends when creating a resume.

3. Does It Apply?
Depending on the role you are applying for, it may not be necessary to include all employment experiences on your resume. For instance, if you are applying for a software sales role, it will not be necessary to include and provide detail on your mechanical engineering internship at NASA that took place 10 years ago. Although it’s an impressive internship opportunity, it doesn’t apply to the role you are going for. However, it would behoove you to include information about a retail management job that you recently held while in graduate school obtaining your MBA. The value of the MBA is obvious to most employers; however, the retail management role will also give the recruiting team the opportunity to receive even more insight into your interpersonal skills, negotiation skills, and your business acumen and how they can be applied to the role and the organization. Those areas are major ticket items that go a long way in sales. Build a verbal bridge and connect the relevance between your previous roles that will lead you to your future, dream role!

4. Think SMART
When discussing your current and previous roles and responsibilities, do so by using SMART objective statements that match the skills set of the job you are applying for. Ensure that those entries reflect Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Results-oriented, and Time-sensitive (SMART) activity. If Microsoft is seeking a Marketing Manager who “has a proven track record in leading the development and execution of high profile healthcare-based programs and campaigns”, your resume must go above and beyond to prove that you are, in fact, that candidate. An example of a SMART resume entry would be: “Successfully served as project lead for collaborating with business partners to create health insurance advertising/marketing program for Aetna that increased customer base by 30% over 18 months.” The employer now knows specifically what was done, how it was carried out and achieved, and is able to measure the activity’s results and impact over a period of time. This helps to further convince him or her that you are capable of meeting their leadership, development, and marketing execution needs. You are well on your way to more opportunities to be SMART with your new employer!

5. After 5 Attire
Current and previous employment experience are certainly the main areas of focus when reviewing any resume. However, most employers are looking for candidates who excel and make an impact inside of AND outside of the office. Your future boss and co-workers need to see other dimensions of you as an employee as well as a person. If you are on the same level with another candidate in regards to experience, how do you produce additional shine to pull yourself above the other person? It’s all about what you do after 5pm or after your work day is over. Are you a member or an officer in a business organization related to the role you are applying for? Perhaps someone on the recruiting team is a member as well, so that will stand out to him or her. Are you involved in community service? Perhaps your future boss spends a great deal of time volunteering in the community and tutoring inner-city children. He or she will definitely be able to relate to your commitment to your community, and that could mean brownie points for you! What are your hobbies and interests? It’s common knowledge that most business transactions and deals are made on the golf course. Add that as an interest on your resume, and brush up on the latest golf tips and news so you can share your knowledge during that interview that you are sure to be invited to! After all, who can toss your killer resume to the side now?!

If you have further questions or need one-on-one resume’ writing or career guidance, please feel free to ping me at quianas@gmail.com.

Continued success and blessings!