Greetings, SASSY family! I hope that this finds all of you well. Over the past few months, there has been a tremendous amount of buzz about Steve Harvey’s #1 New York Times Bestseller “Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man”. So much buzz that Tuesday marked his second appearance on Oprah since the book’s recent release. Congratulations and thank you to Steve for sharing this much needed information with the women of the world. Although I can write and talk about the subject of relationships non-stop, I’ll briefly share my thoughts and the insight that I’ve gained from this book. I may get some flack for this, but such is life. And I promise I won’t spoil it for those who’ve yet to read the book.
In my opinion, most women (including myself) have had a hard time receiving the type of relationships and men that we desire because:
- We don’t take enough time to figure out who we are and what we truly want;
- What we decide we want is usually based on some outside person or force;
- We’re in too much of a rush to become a wife and/or mother;
- We’re slowly losing our ability to partner and support and are becoming more controlling, and
- We are sometimes delusional, emotional creatures who don’t rely on logic enough.
In the chapter entitled “Men Respect Standards – Get Some”, Steve offers guidance on how to determine exactly what it is we are looking for in men and relationships. And once we figure that out, we’ve got to stick to it and use that to teach men how to treat us. Also, don’t just pass out the answers to the test to every man. Give him the chance to prove that he’s an individual who can think and act on his own. Slow down. Be easy. Do you want to get it done quickly or get it done correctly?
If we spend the majority of our time making the mad dash to the altar and delivery room, jumping from relationship to relationship attempting to train and please every man that comes our way, then how do we have time to get to know ourselves and what our likes, dislikes, and desires are? And when we aren’t in relationships, we spend loads of time with our girlfriends who are in the same boat. We have discussions that appease, console and patch up wounds but don’t always help us learn and grow from our experiences because we rarely call our girls out. Ask YOURSELF questions. Spend time ALONE, and SIT IN SILENCE more. Otherwise we are always dealing with people and their issues instead our own. When you take in too many people’s energies and opinions, you risk losing your own energy and opinion. I promise this will make you a stronger person.
But there’s the issue of women who are too strong, so what of the fine line between strength and independence and being perceived as strong but overbearing? Take a (long) gander at the chapter entitled “Strong, Independent – Lonely – Women” for Steve’s tips and advice. There is an art to being a strong, independent woman without overpowering or attempting to control or change our partners. We must remember what men (not boys) are looking to do for us: profess their love for us and who we are to them, provide for us, and protect us. If we present ourselves as men in women’s bodies who can do everything for ourselves and already have everything, then men do not feel needed and believe that there is nothing they can provide for us. I understand (actually all too well) that it is difficult for most women because we have to serve as both the man and the woman in our households. We oftentimes get mixed up mentally and emotionally and unintentionally take ourselves out of “the game”. It’s ok to be a strong woman who knows what she wants and where she wants to go, but it does NOT behoove us to lose our femininity in the process. After all, this is what draws men to us.
Lastly, I will touch on our moments of female “delusions of grandeur”. We often allow ourselves to be driven by emotion more than by our God-given logic. We actually think that we can concoct a formula to change men and put them on our timeline and program. And this is where the catastrophe starts and the relationship ends. If we spend more time understanding men, how men think and function, and what drives them instead of how to get them to do what we want them to do, then our lives would be so much easier. The first eight chapters of Steve’s book give us a view into the minds of men. According to Steve, men are driven by who they are, what they do, and how much they make, and until they have achieved their goals in all of those areas, men will not allot much time to focus on developing serious relationships with women.
That said, let’s approach this differently, ladies!! Let go of some of the emotion and melodrama. Cut the orchestra music, and let’s get real with ourselves. You know when a man is interested or not. You know whether he’s spiritually, emotionally, mentally, physically, and financially stable enough to be a potential spouse. You know whether your requirements and standards (get some) are being met. You know whether he treats you like someone who’s going to serve a short-term or long-term role in his life. FOLLOW YOUR GUT (not the gut of someone else). Don’t sell yourself short! Don’t count yourself out because you are approaching (or past) 30 years old. Don’t stay in a subpar relationship because you are afraid to take a risk. You will most likely meet someone better and also become a better person yourself Just remember to Act Like a Lady, and Think Like a Man.
Peace and blessings,
Quiana
{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
Good post Quiana.
1 – 5… very true. Whenever I meet a young lady, I always ask what it is that she looks for in a man–what do you like? If a woman cannot spit it out immediately–within one minute–that means that she hasn’t given it much thought. She doesn’t know what she wants. Ladies, learn to love yourself, first. Get to know yourself. How often do you get in a car and not know where you are going? Same thing. You should “begin with the end in mind”. You cannot choose the right man for yourself if you don’t know your own standards. You obviously are not putting much energy into yourself. The amount of attention that you show yourself sort of sets a standard for men. If he cannot come into your life and at least make par, then you should not give him the time of day. If you treat yourself like trash, then it would take little effort on a guy’s behalf to “up you one”. Have standards, stick to them, and (I agree totally with brother Steve) men will honor them. I have always understood and I am a witness of one thing; if a woman conducts herself and treats herself with the upmost respect, then any guy that is not on your level would be too intimidated to approach her–and rightfully so. (Notice that I don’t use the term MAN loosely.) Take if from a man, ladies, this would at least eliminate the trashy guys from you life.
Now that what we call…. Keeping it real !!
Quiana, I really appreciate your brutal and abrasive honesty. Very well written. And, for what it’s worth, I totally agree.
“…we spend loads of time with our girlfriends who are in the same boat. We have discussions that appease, console and patch up wounds but don’t always help us learn and grow from our experiences…”
Soooo true!
I would just like to point out the irony…
Tuesday Oprah’s show featured Steve Harvey. He plugged his book, but spent the majority of the hour answering clueless women’s questions about men and relationships.
Wednesday, Oprah’s show was about women leaving men for women. Basically, it revolved around women in their 40s who did the whole wife/mother things and were rediscovering themselves as independent beings. They realized that men don’t get them, and that their friends actually provided the emotional intimacy that they were seeking in life. And to supplement…the women took it to physical intimacy level.