What is the best way to break up with someone? Well, let me explain. I’ve been seeing this woman casually for about two months, and after four dates and non-regular phone calls, I realize I’m just not that interested. I don’t want to be cliche, but I’m just not that into her. What is the best way to let her down gently?
Single in Silicon Valley
Hey Single,
First of all, nice to hear from a guy again. You’re only our second guy to write in.
Now, I think men tend to drag out breaking up with a woman, or in your case just telling her you don’t see this going any further since you aren’t in a relationship, to avoid hurting her. I understand. You often think your phalanges or your car may be in danger. And sometimes they are. I think to avoid doing further damage, and to insulate you from bodily injury or property damage, you should do the following three things:
- Be Honest.
- Be Direct.
- Do it ASAP.
Tell the woman the real reason you don’t think it’s working out, but be nice about it, of course. If you just aren’t compatible in terms of interests, hobbies, or how you like to spend your time, you should tell her that. That may be a good way to let her know that you aren’t just generally disinterested, but you just don’t have the right ingredients for a romantic relationship. If you’d like to remain friendly with her, tell her that. Be mindful about what you claimed were your intentions from the beginning, because those can and will be thrown in your face and used against you. Be prepared for that with a ready answer.
Whatever you do, DO NOT tell her “It’s not you, it’s me.” You might as well shank yourself and save an hour if you go that route.
When I say this, I mean two things- (i) use the right diction, clear and concise language, and (ii) choose your medium wisely. Let’s tackle the first one. When I say be direct and use the right diction, you need to have a clear grasp on what you want to say before you say it. Don’t freestyle a breakup. Think of it as a press conference. You’re going to get questions you are and are not prepared for. If you are 90% sure you’re going to get a certain question, have a ready answer. Use clear and concise language. Don’t sugarcoat. Give it to her straight, no chaser so there’s NO room for rationalization or interpretation with her girlfriends during post-game analysis.
Choose your medium wisely means you should really know when to text, call, email and show up in person. Nothing is more insulting than getting sensitive news via text or email, when the subject matter, and the person delivering it, is important enough to warrant AT LEAST a call. I know text provides yet another passive aggressive shield for dudes, but come on. You wouldn’t want to hear that your mom died, or your dog died for that matter, via text… so why would you want to tell someone you want to cease and desist all contact via text? That’s cowardly. Phone or in person are best.
Let’s keep it real. Dragging anything out longer than it needs to be is like ripping off a damn near glued on band-aid slowly. That’s all bad. Trust me. If you want to ensure someone is angry with you and feels like you were taking advantage of them or playing with their emotions… stall when doing something important. Sure, no one wants to hear that they aren’t all you ever dreamed they would be, but guess what? The sooner you tell them, the sooner you can stop blocking their blessings and your own. If you know you aren’t willing to give ole girl another shot, then tell her now before she fills another notebook with variations of her married name with your surname on the end.
Also, think realistically. It’s a recession. Stop spending money (and time that you could be using to try to make money) on chicks you know you don’t like.
Date Responsibly,
Bari
If you have a question for Bari, email her at askbari@gmail.com
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
Lol, great advice. I think #2 is a big one. That whole text/email thing really is insensitive to how the other person might be feeling about the situation.
Amen to a guy who is not afraid to admit that he’s just not into her!
And another amen to the point about the medium. So true. I would even go as far as to say that in person should be the method of choice, unless something like distance prevents that.