I just moved to a new city and haven’t really gotten the vibe of the people yet. I’m from the South, where most people are friendly so I smile and say hello when I see brothas. That’s just what we do where I’m from. However, I notice that this has many men approaching me. While I’m open to meeting guys, I don’t want to date everyone that says hello to me. What’s the best way to turn them down?
- Smiley
Hey Smiley,
Well, based on your description of the area, I’d assume that you either went from the South to the West or North. I know this because in California, especially in the Bay, if you smile at a guy too long that’s like an invitation for him to show interest. We just aren’t all that cheery and bright and what not. Furthermore, in Oakland, if you smile too long and then say you aren’t interested don’t be surprised if you get called everything but a child of God and have a bottle thrown in your direction (shout outs to Hilltop Mall in Richmond)… but this isn’t about me.
A nice way to turn a man down, short of lying and saying your engaged, married or otherwise preoccupied, is to just thank him profusely for the compliment and that you admire him for coming over and approaching you, and while you are flattered you are not interested because of ________________. What’s the blank you ask? That could be “I’m concentrating on my career,” “I’m preoccupied with family issues right now,” “I just want to focus on myself for the time being,” etc. Or you could resort to lying by saying you have a man and what not. I don’t advocate lying, but sometimes that’s the easiest way to tell a mooftagem you aren’t interested.
Now, I know some women who have thought they let a man down gently by giving them a fake phone number. Unless you are under 16, or like being publicly embarrassed, this is a bad idea. What’s a little public embarrassment, you say? Well… as I stated earlier, I’m from the Bay, the home of game. I was once at On Broadway (hey, sometimes you want to party amongst the white tee element- RIP you tacky club) a few years ago with some friends and after the club let out, you saw all these people scrambling for numbers. One young lady decided to give her “number” to a guy she clearly had no intention of talking to. I mean, even I could see that and I didn’t know either one of them. Well, ole boy pulled out his cell phone and dialed the number and when someone else answered it he pimp slapped her in front of the entire crowd on a busy street. That’s when I ran. So that is a clear example of what not to do.
In short, I support being honest with someone, but also telling them how much you appreciate their interest. Remember that it took that guy a little nerve to approach you, and we all like to feel wanted. It’s flattering. However, we don’t want to feel rejected. So when you let him down, let him down with a smile, thank him for his honesty and the compliment, but be honest about your situation. Now, if his approach is out of pocket, feel free to tell him to “Kick rocks,” and tell him I sent you. Then run.
Date responsibly,
Bari
{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
Wow she got pimped slapped LOL!!!
Smiley I had the same problem when I moved from the South to up Norf. I now have two smiles: the first is the courtesy smile. I show no teeth, make brief eye contact with the person during the smile, and continue on my way. The second smile is the big, cheesy one. That gets shown to friends, guys I’m interested in, etc.
Good luck!
DC is also a dangerous place to tell a man no. You could get shot. I recall using the “engaged” excuse and having a dude yell “You are a stupid bitch if you think he ain’t fuckin nobody else” as he peeled off. Oh Boy!
Yikes Former DC Gal. It’s true sometimes even if you’re nice a man will still say something crazy to you. whomp whomp.
Wow! I thought NY guys were bad, but DC Gal I’m happy he was just shooting his words at you.
Is it just me, or do the excuses not work anymore?
It seems like the polite rejection doesn’t really work. Guys are quick with some kind of rebuttal. Even when I’ve used more final (or so I thought) excuses, like “I have a boyfriend,” I got hit with the “I don’t mind.” “I just want to be your friend.” “Do you really love him?”
So Bari, here’s a follow up. If the exchange is prolonged what do you do? and how many exchanges should you allow before you just run?
Damn Bari! Were you hanging out at Mingles or something? LMAO! For those who aren’t from the Bay, Mingles was one of the most “hood rich” clubs in Oakland. Hell, you could get shot there. In fact, someone did get shot there, which is why its no longer open ::laughs and shakes head at the same time::
Barbara- I actually never made it to Mingles… and after I saw it was the location for the “Blow the Whistle” video, I was super straight on EVER going there. On Broadway was plenty. Next time, remind me to tell y’all about the midget that hit on me in that club…
Lady D- I politely tell folks that I’m married, and then if they persist with the “are you happy/does he let you have friends” I then politely follow up with “Yes, I’m happy, and I currently have the maximum amount of allowed friends. I’m flattered, but it’s just not going to happen. Have a good day!” I only entertain two follow up questions, but that’s because I’m wary of the pimp slap or the wayward flying projectile.
I really wish there were an easy way to tell a dude no. These thug daters are like mutants, they just keep mulitplying. I have been called a bitch more times than I would like even when I was as blunt as you suggested. I feel that the response a guy has is just a reflection of where he is as a person. If he is in a hate everyone phase…you get the F’us. If he is in a growth or grown man phase…you get “well I hope he treats you right…you still are beautiful.” Each holla is a roll of the dice. So, you might as well be honest because you never know what you are going to get.
Hehe. Exactly! Only got sucked in there once and that was one time too many.
“I feel that the response a guy has is just a reflection of where he is as a person.” Amen! You never know which response you will get. I don’t think any woman should walk around being fearful of being hurt if she tells a dude “no thanks”, but sometimes guys can really be out of pocket. Thankfully I have never been physically hurt because a dude has a bruised ego, but I did have a friend who was slapped on a bus when she turned a guy down.
Another reason that I have martial arts training =)
Hilltop… Richmond… ha ha… OMG! I’m from the bay area so… OMG!
Girl, Sad but True!