Domestic Violence 101

I often come in contact with families dealing with domestic violence (DV) in my work. With every encounter, I am shocked by the “blame the victim” messages I hear, often from the systems survivors use to try to get help. As a result, many survivors believe it’s their fault, if they had done something different, the violence would not have occurred. I’m tired of the “blame the victim” game. Rather than putting the responsibility for intimate partner violence on the victim, we must 1) understand the issue and our collective responsibility for addressing it; 2) empower survivors to get help in order to stay safe; and 3) hold the aggressors accountable. If you are in a violent relationship or you know someone who is, I hope this article will be helpful. Even if you are not personally affected by domestic violence, you can play a role in stopping it. You’ll find some ideas and strategies here, too.

Get informed.
One in every four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime. Nationally and internationally, domestic violence affects people of every age, race, class, religious background, and sexual orientation. The same is true for gender, though 73% of all victims of family violence are female. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence , women constitute 84% of victims of spousal abuse and 86% of victims of abuse at the hands of boyfriends. DV is not just physical, but emotional, verbal, sexual, psychological, and financial/economic. It is about power and control, about manipulation and isolation. It is not about anger and rage. Why? Because most batterers do not hurt anyone other than their partners, are able to stop when it is to their advantage to do so, and only inflict wounds where they won’t show. Furthermore, we must think of relationship abuse as more than individual and isolated instances of violence and instead as “an enduring, chronic, traumatic experience that shapes women’s behavior, distorts their view of self, and undermines their belief in the controllability of their own lives”(Smith et al, 1995, 180).

Know what to look for.
Do you think you might be experiencing abuse, or do you know someone who is? Here are some warning signs of abuse relationships.

Know your rights.
The Violence Against Women Act (VAWA), passed by the U.S federal government in 1994, made domestic violence and sexual assault crimes. As a result, there are legal means by which survivors can obtain protection through family, criminal, and civil court. Furthermore, cities and states have their own protections in place for survivors of domestic violence. For example, in New York City, it is illegal for employers to discriminate against survivors of domestic violence, sexual assault or stalking. Employers must provide reasonable accommodations to survivors of such violence that may be used for safety planning (i.e. varied hours, a different phone number, etc). Check your state or city code for specific legislation for survivors of domestic violence. Call one of the hotlines listed below to get connected to legal support, counseling, emergency housing, and other resources.

It is not your fault.
Love is not violent. No one deserves to be hit, controlled, humiliated, or isolated by someone who claims to love her (or him). You have the right to be safe, to feel valued, and to make choices about your own life. If you are in a violent relationship or you know someone who is, seek help. Utilize the resources listed below or find someone trustworthy (a friend, co-worker, teacher, counselor, medical provider) in whom you can confide. If a friend discloses violence, listen without judgment and help her (or him) make a safety plan that covers staying in the relationship or leaving, depending on what the survivor wants. Most importantly, make sure s/he knows s/he is not alone.

Get help.
If you are in a violent relationship, you don’t have to deal with by yourself. Here are some sources of help and more information:

Safe Horizon Domestic Violence Hotline: 800.621.HOPE (4678) (New York City)

National DV Hotline: 800.799.SAFE (7233)

NYC Gay and Lesbian Anti-Violence Center Hotline: 212.714.1141 (www.avp.org)

Rape and Incest National Network: 800.656.3000 (www.rainn.org)

Family Violence Prevention Fund (www.endabuse.org)

United States Department of Justice Office on Violence Against Women (www.ovw.usdoj.gov)

Get involved.
We all share a collective responsibility for ending intimate partner violence. We must hold men (and women) accountable for violent language and actions. We must speak up when we see attitudes or behaviors that degrade women. We can donate time, money or materials (such as old cell phones) to anti-violence organizations that provide services to survivors and their families. We can get involved in women’s or men’s organizations that share a collective mission to topple the oppressive systems that perpetuate all forms of violence. Check out www.feminist.org , www.mencanstoprape.org , or The National Organization for Men Against Sexism (www.nomas.org). We can write to our legislators about the issue and urge them to pass anti-violence and batterer accountability laws. Do you have other ideas? Feel free to post them here!

Tagged as: domestic violence

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Moira