The problem with this is that Carrie isn’t forgiving and faithful, at least not in my opinion. She’s either into S&M, a glutton for punishment, or worse…a woman who lives her life rationalizing other people’s behavior so as not to examine her own. How many of us have been “Carries” in relationships? I can admit that I have been twice. How many of us realized that the actual rule is 2 strikes and you’re out, because only a fool would go back for thirds? I did. Well, sadly, there are still some “Carries” out there. I’m here to help. (Please note the date. This is one of the only times in life I will ever utter or type those words.) To that end, let’s have a prayer circle.
First, ladies, stop focusing on what something COULD be and take it for what it actually is. Today. In your face. We are often guilty of focusing too much on the potential and not enough on the reality of a situation- or as we learned in love jones, “the possibility of things.” Let’s remember that Larenz Tate was saying that that was the equivalent of romance, not the recipe to a lasting relationship.
It is being guilty of the first offense which leads to the second…not believing someone when they show or tell you who they are. This is the cardinal sin of rationalization, which I would have made #1, but you need the foundation of potential in order to justify your rationalizations. Still unsure? Here’s an example- a guy and girl are hanging out. The man may have made subtle gestures to demonstrate interest in a physical relationship. The woman interprets this to mean that he is interested. However, the conversation consists of him telling you about his romantic exploits with other women. This is HUGE. This mean: (1) he is still dating/seeing/sexing/etc. other women and; (2) doesn’t feel the need to hide this information. This typically indicates he has no plans in the near future to stop dating/seeing/sexing these other women. The problem with all of this is that rationalization leads to women mistaking attention (ANY kind, good or bad) as some form of caring and concern. WRONG. Sometimes it’s merely a form of “who can I get into tonight (with the least amount of effort)?” But to a woman looking for love or affection, this is justified as interest, and his admissions are seen as ‘honesty.’
There are a million other examples and sins that can be detailed, but that’s not the point. The most ridiculed and easily dismissed character was Charlotte- for her wide-eyed idealism and naiveté. Let’s not be so quick to dismiss her. While hopeful, optimistic and a romantic at heart, Charlotte was quite strategic and up on game when it came to romance. Perhaps that is why she was the most fulfilled at the end of the series. If we put half as much energy into strategizing and disciplining our love lives as we did career moves, investments and our standing biweekly hair appointments, we may end up just as happy as she is. I say keep hope alive, but be realistic about your hope. In order to do that, you have to be realistic and strategic with your approach.
Here’s hoping you all enjoy the movie this weekend…and it sparks as much discussion for you as it did for me. Happy trails.
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Very true. Its hard for women to get beyond the “benefit of the doubt” phase. Many of us live in this phase because we are on the constant search for acceptance and love. We don’t always realize that one should never have to give love the benefit of the doubt, lol.
Would have been interesting to see where you would placed the other two charaters in this piece.
I too am a self professed Carrie. Sometimes we get so excited about the package a man has that we tend to overlook the glaring details instead of paying attention to reality. You are so right. We tend to show people who we really are and people should adhere to what is shown. However, we get distracted by shiny paper like children hoping that the present inside is different. Chances are its not.
I love “He’s Just Not that In To You” If a man is ready or wants you he will show you. You will never have to question his affection or love for you. He will show you and make sure you are unavailable for any other man.
bari, i am in 100% agreeance with everything you have stated. Its unfortunately that so many women fall into this category. I, too, can be honest and say that I have at one point or another have been a carrie and allowed myself to focus on the potential. However, at some point, you must face the reality of a situation and love yourself more. Potential is just that…potential. It doesn’t mean that a person will actually grow into that potential and/or strive for it. Far to often women have the thought that they can help make a man into something or help him grow. But the truth is you can’t change people. And u successfully do…it will always come with a price that might be more than you bargin for, such as a broken heart.
Secondly, the longer I date and experience my own issues with love and learn from friends, I am realizing that the key to happiness is throwning out the crazy ideas of the perfect man or the potential in a man. Throw out the list of ’150 things that he must have’ and focus on building a relationship with a man who loves and respects you. And love your self more than to just take anything because its packaged nicely. When we focus on those things, thats when we become happy like Charlotte.
Hello Sassy Women — I am a recovering Carrie (and I admit it, every now and then I do slip up). But it is these forms that help me get back on track and not live in the “possiblity of things” rather in the here and now of what is. Believing what and who someone tells you they are is the most important piece of advice my mother taught me and the Mr. Big’s in my life reinforced after all was said and done. Great write-up and thanks for this gentle reminder to look beyond the possibilities of my mind especially after I just saw the movie and almost fell off the wagon again believing the hype.
but that’s the problem, we’re bombarded with messages that it’ll work out if you just stay a little longer and that ish doesn’t happen in real life. *SPOILER HERE* but when carrie got with big in the end, i was PISSED. like are you for real? how do you know he’s not gonna pull some stunt later over something dumb. ack. i can’t. i’m a carrie and i’m trying desperately not to be b/c i still want my happy ending… without all the drama in the beginning.
I’m with Eva. I’m a little tired of the Happily Ever After endings. We all know that every story doesn’t have a happy ending and even the ones that do have some drama along the way.
Here’s an interesting idea of the “90-Day Rule.” I don’t completely agree or disagree with it but the bottom line is to try and cut through as much BS as you can from the beginning.
http://skoolboisplayground.blogspot.com/2008/03/90-day-rule.html
Bari,
This article is so on point. I need to send this to all of my girlfriends. I’ve had two experiences were I was definitely a Carrie but I’ve learned my lesson and now my approach is completely different. I don’t settle and I pay close attention to the actions of the man. Although Charlotte made her mistakes (minor ones compared to the other girls) she ended up with the happy ending because of her discipline and going after what she wants. She also stopped being so superficial and ended up with a man who worships the ground she walks on and has serious bank! I’m not advising women to forget their standards and get a troll but don’t ignore the nice guy because he’s only 5’10 instead of 6’4.
I think as women we need to give men the opportunity to prove that they are worthy of our love, dedication, and bodies. We are so quick to jump on the bandwagon that we end up missing critical signsthat tells us what man’s true intentions are. My mother and pops have always told me that people can talk a good game but their actions are what tell the truth. This may also sound archaic but I strongly believe, especially now that I’m older, abstaining from sex is a great way to filter out the men who are only interested in sex. A guy who is truly interested in getting to know you will wait. I believe it and I’ve heard enough male friends tell me the same thing.
Eva I have to cosign on the SATC ending. That was some bullshit and no man can do that to me and expect that type of results. SCREW THAT
Excellent points Bari, I’ve been Carrie a couple of times. People need to accept who and what is in front of them and be realistic. Although love is about being open, not all logic can go out of the window when it comes to love:).
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