Lately I feel like I’ve been bombarded with the message that you should be friends first with a person before you actually date them. This makes a lot of sense except for the fact that I have absolutely no idea of how to do this.
When I’m attracted to someone, it tends to get physical. Not necessarily right away, but sooner than later. Can you be physical and be friends? How do I get a guy I like to understand that I want to be friends first so we can move onto something meaningful later? Because honestly, when I hear the word “friend” I automatically think of the “friend zone” and that’s not the place to be for me. Can you help me Bari?
- Utterly Confused
Hey UC- let me see if I understand you. You want to figure out how to develop emotional intimacy before physical intimacy. This seems simple enough. Work on getting to know your new friend before you consider giving up the goods. Think of it like this…you wouldn’t loan your car to a stranger, right? So then why would you grant access to the most precious thing you own to a stranger? You should check out their driving record and insurance coverage first. Follow my drift? I mean…if you’re all about handing over the keys before doing all that, do you. Just know it’s not the smartest thing you could ever do.
I feel like you don’t have an unusual problem. Folks in our age group (roughly those born in 1978 and after) are what I call the “instant gratification” generation. Now before you start calling me a crotchety old woman (and yes, I am in some ways, and probably worse than your grandma, so get over it), I just think it’s wise to postpone certain types of gratification to even figure out if it’s worth the time and effort invested for the potential return on investment. I think it’s smarter to do due diligence before you get physically intimate with someone. Let’s think about why.
You say you want to enter a relationship. Well, if you start off by defining your new relationship as one for merely jump-off purposes, chances are your potential partner won’t see you as anything other than a good-time girl. You’re setting up expectations for nothing more than a sexual relationship, whether you want more or have more to offer than that. For that reason, I wouldn’t advocate trying to be physical while building a friendship besides kissing and cuddling. Anything other than that too soon makes you “friends with benefits.” That’s cool if that’s all you want, but it seems that you want a relationship. The benefits of establishing a friendship are that you have learned how a person behaves in different settings while you are friends, so you will be better able to gauge their reactions to similar settings when you move into a more intimate relationship. Most importantly, people get excited about the possibility of a relationship and want to skip steps, and dive head first into a physical relationship. The problem is that they rush into intimacy and romance, and not friendship, which means your relationship is not built on a solid foundation…but quicksand. If you like drama or adventure, then that situation is for you. If not, keep reading.
How do you start a relationship based on friendship? It’s easy enough. How have you made friends with all of the friends you already have? Instead of spending time rounding the various bases, spend that time getting to know one another. Share hobbies, experiences and good conversation. You make a date to go on an activity which is centered on a shared interest…WITH CLOTHES ON. The “date” can start off with someone (either you or him) suggesting that you get together and see _____ (exhibit/movie/play) or do _____ (insert shared activity/interest here). From there you build a rapport- find out what one another likes, dislikes, and how they respond in different situations. It’s not as hard as you think. The key to building a great friendship with a romantic interest is the same as a great friendship you have with a friend- trust and mutual respect built upon a foundation of shared experiences and conversations.
Just remember that it’s smarter to take your time getting to know someone because you can avert disaster in various forms- baby daddies and “gifts” that keep on giving years after the gift-giver is out of the picture. Who knows…you may find that you aren’t even that interested after a couple dates, or that you’re “soulmates” (which is another post for another day). Either way, you’ll have enough information to make an informed decision. Good luck! Happy trails…
Bari
If you have questions for Bari, please email them to askbari@gmail.com.
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
Just relax!’ So easy to say, so hard to do…without a little help. And that’s exactly what Yoga Nidra can do. It can help you to relax, help you to sleep and help you to reduce stress.
thank you so much bari. i needed this.
Amen Bari! As our generation matures and wants more meaningful relationships…i.e. that real love that blossoms into a lifetime commitment and family, your tips will take folks in the right direction.