I’m what some people would call a man’s man. I’m also what most would call a good catch, though not unlike other 29 year olds. I like to exercise, I’m an attorney, I eat steaks, I have fun with my friends, I love my family and I watch sports.
Problem is I love girls, girls, girls, girls…girls I do adore, and I have a girlfriend. Well let me be blunt. I’m a hoe. Always have been. Basically – What should a guy do if he is addicted to women (aka, wants to do every fine woman he sees)?
PB&J
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Hey Peanut Butter and Jelly… wow. Glad to have a guy send in a question! Before we get started, if nothing else, I commend you for your honesty- hoedom aside. I also applaud you attempting to get this out of your system now instead of aging into that 53-year-old dude who will no doubt hit on me in the club this weekend in an effort to see if he still has “it.” For the record, he doesn’t. No old man in the club does. Tell a friend. Or your dad.
Anyway…the simple answer is break up with your girl and stay single. Nowhere in your message did I see any reason for you to be in a relationship- no “I really like her,” or “I love my girl but I am still attracted to others”… nothing. However, you know you can’t get off that easily because then I wouldn’t get to practice armchair psychology on you. There are three ways you can look at this. What’s behind door #1? There’s an issue with this specific relationship with this particular woman. What’s behind door #2? It’s a personal problem (or preference depending on how you look at it) that will rear its ugly head in all of your relationships that only you can decide to remedy. So what’s behind door #3? Bad timing. Let’s explore all options.
First, if you have a girlfriend and still feel the urge to do every fine woman you see, then perhaps something is wrong with your relationship with your girlfriend. Maybe the two of you just aren’t compatible, so that’s why she’s not keeping your attention. Now, I don’t know all of the ins and outs of your relationship, but I didn’t read one reason as to why you actually stay, but a good reason for why you should leave. Let me give you a piece of advice…the cure to whatever is ailing your relationship with *this* woman is not to be found in the arms (or between the legs) of another woman. Period. If you can’t work it out with this woman, and you are certain of that, then let her go. You are doing both this woman and yourself a disservice by letting her twist in the wind thinking she has a fighting chance of making you happy when you know good and well that she can’t. Stop stalling.
Second, maybe monogamy, long-term commitment or even marriage isn’t for you. I’m here to say that there’s nothing wrong with that. I’m also here to say that it’s easy as hell to say that at 29 years old. Not so much when you are eating chicken pot pie alone on some random Sunday in June that you later realize is Father’s Day when you’re 67. That said, I think that people oftentimes take societal expectations for granted. They never critically think for themselves if what they’ve been force-fed since birth about life’s “goal” being a house, a spouse, kids and a dog is really what they want. Sure, it may be what your mom wants and what you see on TV and in movies…but is that conducive to the lifestyle you picture for yourself? Only you know the answer to that. If you want to be free to have the option to always seize the day with a new woman, this may be something to seriously consider.
Third, maybe now is just not the time for a relationship. It could feasibly be a combination of options 1 and 2. It may be even simpler than that. While you didn’t give me a lot of facts to work with, you may have just passed the bar, gotten a firm job and are experiencing all the opportunities available to an eligible man with a six figure salary. No problem with that, and no need to feel guilty because it happens all the time. I see dudes doing the fool based on this scenario every year, especially come November when Bar results are released. Live it up…but first let your girl down gently so you can fully enjoy all the prospects at your feet and not a moment before.
So, what’s the point to all of this? Stay single. Don’t commit to someone if you are not ready. It’s clear that you are not ready at this time, and there is nothing wrong with that. Make sure you provide full disclosure so that you give women enough information about what you seek so that they can make an informed decision about how to proceed with you (or not). As long as you are honest about what you are looking for with the women you are seeing everyone wins. In the meantime, I’d advise that you do some soul searching about what you’d like your life to look like at 67. You may even include watching “I Think I Love My Wife” in your analysis. In time, you may find that you’re ready to settle down. You may find you like being an addict. Either way, honesty is the best policy…with yourself and others. Happy trails…
Bari
If you have questions for Bari, please email them to askbari@gmail.com.
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
Bari,
You are hilarious and beneath the humor is a truth that I believe we can all relate to. Having recently decided to abandon random acts of “hoedom” in favor of having “adult” relationships that could potentially lead to marriage I agree with most of what you said.
The question I have for PB&J is why are you with your girlfriend in the first place? It seems to me that you are really clear about where you are in your life. You are a self proclaimed good catch; you enjoy meeting and cavorting with women and if the one’s you meet don’t mind sharing (or don’t know) then why mess up a good thing?
I guess I am wondering why you are deciding to hold on to your girlfriend. I could be misreading, but your question didn’t seem to suggest that you are looking for a way to break free from your hoedom but rather receive affirmation for your decision to stay in that place. If this is the case then you got it. If you really care about your girlfriend, let her go and let the games begin…or continue.
DJ
This brother may have a problem with self-discipline. I like the reference to “I Think I Love My Wife” – great movie for guys thinking about settling down. There was a quote in the movie that might help PB & J: “You can lose money chasing women, but you’ll never lose women chasing money”.
K
good analysis, bari the guru. way to break it down.
hi
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good luck