Ask Bari

Dear Bari,
I’m in a new relationship with this great guy that I’ve met. What’s even more awesome is that I’m a teacher and he’s an artist, so our schedules are compatible and we’ve been spending a lot of time together. It’ll be even better in two months once summer rolls around. I really like him a lot and the feeling is mutual. There’s just one problem…I can’t let my guard down.

I am scared to open myself up to him and fall in love. I guess after enough negative dating experiences, such as the other person not calling when they promised to, breaking dates or disappearing altogether, I’ve noticed that my perception of dating has changed and now I start to expect the worst. It’s kind of like negative conditioning, or Pavlov’s dog. If you keep putting your hand on a hot stove, after a while you don’t want to do it anymore. So, I find myself self-sabotaging wherever possible. For one, though I’m the only person he’s seeing, I am still casually seeing other people. I’m not really into them, but they keep me occupied and less focused on him. Sometimes I will use the same tricks that were pulled on me against him. He’ll call me and I won’t answer. He leaves a message, I don’t return the call for a day or two- stuff like that.

I spend my time trying to find reasons to avoid generating real feelings for this man, and I’m reading too far much into every little thing he does that annoys me in an attempt to prepare for an exit strategy. I always have an exit strategy ready, and I don’t quite know how to fall in love in a relaxed and paced manner. My friends are sick of me now, and I am getting sick of myself. I want an excuse to break it off with him, but at the same time he’s so great and puts up with all of the things I throw his way. I secretly hope he stops me and reassures me… even though I’m pushing him away because every little thing he does puts me on edge.

Did you ever go through this? If so, did you ever have a moment where you were just completely honest with your partner and laid it out on the table like, “Look, I have an exit strategy, show me something and help me put it away…” or… did u just deal with it yourself?

I have no idea what to do… I am having such a hard time tearing down this wall. He is amazing and I need to just relax and let this happen. Can you tell me how to do that, please?

Thanks Bari,

Kara

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Hi Kara! Let’s settle in…cause I’m gonna testify with this one.

Your problem is that you’re finding reasons to NOT want a dude that wants you…that you also (reluctantly) want? Girl, you need to just STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING and relax. There are chicks out here wishing they had that problem!

I totally understand what you’re saying, though. I stayed with an exit strategy, and on occasion a full roster and some draft picks, when I first started dating someone just in case things didn’t work out. Then one day I had an epiphany- that’s not a way to LIVE or to give and receive love.

To that end, you seem to be doing a cost/benefit analysis of this man. That’s both good and bad. It’s good because you are doing inventory on what you adore about him, what irks you, and cataloging what could be deal-breakers. That’s very wise. However (cause you knew it was coming), what is bad about this is that you are doing this solely for the purpose of justifying a reason to bounce from the relationship. That’s not productive. You take a person- good and bad- for all they are worth. I was always taught that you have two choices: (1) take people as they are or; (2) don’t deal with them. Clearly, you think the man’s good outweighs the bad, or else you would’ve already left. So what you are doing at this point is a disservice to both of you. Stop LOOKING for things to justify YOUR fears. If you are always looking for evidence of bad behavior, you will no doubt find it. You’ll only find it because you’ve only got your radar tuned to that frequency, though. Feel me?

Yes, I went through this. I was in a decent relationship for all of my college years (shout out to A-dog, hope your mama finally stopped hating on the women you bring home!) but some things that occurred made me cynical and reluctant to trust a man after breaking up with him and entering the dating scene…even a man I’ve known as long as my husband. I was honest with him about being scared and the reasons why. It was a good conversation, and we were able to tackle things head on and go from there. It’s amazing what being honest will do for you. But the key to that is…you have to be willing to be vulnerable. Though we’ve all been hurt in the past (and I could share some stories with you, girl) that is no reason to shut yourself off from love.

Also, just because he tells you something that may assuage your fears in that moment doesn’t mean something won’t happen that will trigger them again. That’s where you have to do the personal work. You have to examine WHY you are questioning someone’s ability to love you, and why you are reluctant to accept it but all too willing to push it away. He can’t help you with that. Only you can do that.

Instead of looking for things to irk you and justify your need to dismiss him, keep basking in his good qualities. Let the good outweigh the bad. No one is perfect, including you, but falling in love is more about enjoying your time, developing feelings from the time spent, and letting yourself get swept away with the feeling…not trying to reign it in.

Enjoy it. Enjoy the time you spend together. Just have fun and let it go wherever it will go. It is when you step back and ponder the relationship too much that you wind up talking yourself out of love. As always, I advise you to keep your expectations in check, and remember that not every relationship is the same, because every person isn’t the same. Making yourself vulnerable to the pain of loss, also opens up the opportunity to feel great joy. But you can’t feel either emotion fully, for better or worse, when you’re closed off…and then you’re simply missing out on life.  Happy trails…

Bari

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Bari