My SASSY sistas. I love ya’ll but one thing I’ve noticed about us (yes I’m including myself) is that we fight wrong. I mean really wrong. I didn’t notice how wrong it was until I saw it done right. I was chilling one night with my roomie and we were watching the Hills (don’t laugh). You may or may not know this, but they are always in an argument with someone. This episode was no different. Let me tell you what happened:
Girl one: We need to have lunch to talk this out.
Girl two: Ok
They hang up. The next day they go eat lunch, talk it out. They even hug at the end, and they mean it. And then they were cool. Like for real cool.
My roommate and I were dumbstruck. Did they really just patch it all up over Caesar salads and sparkling water? Yes. Were they cool for the rest of the season? Yes. I had never seen anything like this before and I knew that I needed this sort of conflict resolution in my life. So I set some rules for myself that I’d like to share with you. Without further ado, I present my six steps on how not to fight.
1. Don’t move.
Please don’t roll your neck, roll your eyes, snap your finger, poke or point. I know, I should have to say it, but I will. No matter how angry you get, do not raise your hands. Do not make a fist. Do not let your fist connect with her (or his) face. Just don’t. Besides the fact that you could get arrested, it’s just not SASSY or classy. And while I’m at it, don’t throw objects or break stuff. Just be still, talk slowly and calmly.
2. Don’t swear, name call or yell.
First all, it’s childish and second of all, the second a four letter word comes out your mouth, you’ve already defeated yourself. Sure you may want to drop the b-bomb for emphasis, but it takes your conversation to a new place. The person you are arguing with may become defensive or hurt and throw some insults your way. In the heat of the moment, you’re prone to say some things you may not mean. Not only is swearing and yelling unnecessary, but your adversary may actually begin to tune you out.
3. Check Yourself.
You caught your man cheating. Who are you mad at: your (soon to be ex) boyfriend or the girl? This may sound crazy, but your man did you wrong, be mad at him. Sure you can mad at the girl, but remember your man played a role in this too. Check yourself. Sometimes this is hard to do, it’s hard to admit you may be wrong or this is all your fault. If you have difficulty checking yourself, get some help from a trusted friend, or even a parent. But be careful what you ask for, you may find out more about yourself than you anticipated. Whatever the case, be real with yourself and figure out what role you played in this argument.
4. Get it out.
You need to vent? Vent. Call up your best friend, talk it out, say all the things you need to say, get it out your system. And then, stop. There’s no point in running all over town telling everyone, except the person you’re beefing with, why you’re mad. (And if you notice that everyone knows your business before you even get a chance to tell them, you may want to start venting elsewhere.) At any rate, get it out your system so you can (calmly) begin fixing the problem.
5. Apologize.
I know, easier said than done. If you are wrong, then admit it, and stop avoiding the inevitable. SASSY ladies, put your pride aside and say those magical words “I apologize.” There, doesn’t that feel better?
6. Get over it.
So you’ve gotten through the hard part, you expressed your side, you apologized or accepted an apology, and now this is the part where I know a lot of women (myself included) fail. Get over it. Let it go. This is something I truly envy about men. They can have an argument at work and then grab a beer after and be cool. Don’t hold onto your anger or sadness or whatever emotions you’ve been feeling about the argument.
Ok ladies, wish me luck. I wish you all nothing but the best.
peace,
e.
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LMAO at #1. I call that ‘pulling a Jill Scott’ (from ‘Getting in the Way’); ” ’bout to take my rings off, and get me some vaseline.”
But seriously, great article, E!
thanks homegirl! shoo i giggled as i wrote it. but come on, you know it’s true. i know you haven’t forgotten the mc donald’s incident…
This is great, Eva! However, I am far too animated to put several of these numbers into play. I’m a “hand talker,” to start, so #1 is hard enough even when I’m just happy and telling a story.
I think I’d die if I was forced to do #1, 2 and possibly 6. lol
Good advice, nonetheless.
yeah 6 totally kills me. it’s gonna be the hardest one!
Walking away is sometimes helpful and other times very necessary. After you walk away, by the time you come back you can say whatever it is you have to say a little more calmly. Works for me…sometimes.
My fave thing in an argument is to just discuss how I am feeling. Its that whole concept of “I” language. It tends to make folks less defensive.
I wholeheartedly agree with your tactics though. I think if more people followed this, something besides hurt feelings would come of an argument.
I love this…but I so couldn’t do #2. I curse like a sailor, sorry to say. I would have to work really hard on #1 also…I to, talk with my hands. I think I could swing the rest though….
Someone needs to do a post calling “How to fight the right way”… i.e. how to choose and win your (verbal and mental) battles.
I agree with Leah. I learned about that in one of my Psyc classes (and we talked about the “I” language) and I felt so prepared for my next argument. lol.
This is really good advice. Depending on the people, these ideas actually work really well. I personally have to walk away and take a breather before things get out of control.