Ask Bari

Dear Bari,

I need your expert advice on a situation involving Sammy, a college guy-friend. A female friend and I befriended Sammy during our sophomore year. We all hung out a lot, but sometimes he and I would hangout by ourselves. Nothing ever happened because I had a boyfriend and we were just friends, but I always really liked who he was as a person. He’s a great, wonderful guy and one of the few truly kind souls I know. During a brief break up with my man, I entertained the ‘more than friends’ thought but I quickly pushed it aside when I remembered Sammy complaining about how female friends were always telling him they had more than friendly feelings for him. Sammy ended up transferring and I purposely fell out of contact with him because my man knew I once entertained romantic aspirations and I agreed it wasn’t right for me and Sam to be friends.

Fast forward to 2008. The boyfriend and I break up. I reunite with Sammy on MySpace and subsequently move to his area for 5 months (for reasons unrelated to him). Sammy flirts a wee bit on MySpace and when I finally arrive we hang out 1-3 times a week, every week. Sounds perfect, except nothing romantic/sexual/other ever happens. Nothing. Ever. Plus I once saw a condom wrapper on his TV stand and the next time I visited, it was gone. Oh well, I thought.

End of story right? Kinda. We continued to hang out, as friends, but every so often Sammy would through me a curve ball. He gives mixed signals, explaining every detail of a trip he took Friday, but carefully leaving out the gender of a friend who spends the night on Saturday; when he takes call while we’re hanging out , one day he’ll tell me who each person is and mention he’s with a friend, but the next he won’t tell me anything or tell the caller he’s with somebody. He never sits next to me when I come over, but he never asks me to leave either, no matter how late it gets.

So, I’m left at a loss. I think he may have some feelings for me, but not want to take a chance messing up a solid and good friendship for a few weeks or months of sex or whatever. Do I take the leap and ask him if he has more than friendly feelings for me or do I let it quietly fade to black and pull some Bridges of Madison County type ish?

Let me know Bari, Love Prophet to the young, bougie, and fabulous.

Dejuana Lee-Jones

Dear Dee- can I call you Dee? It doesn’t matter because I will anyway. You’re a long-winded kind of chick, huh?

First things first. Get off of MySpace. Expeditiously. It is the modern day Black Planet circa 2003 when it was on the downward slide to nowhere. It’s not a good look for a presumably educated woman such as yourself, especially if you have one of those pages that loads extra slow due to all of the applications, backgrounds, songs and slideshows you have on there. It is the Cabrini Green/Acorn complex (shout out to my Oakland folks) of the ‘net. That said- do as I say, not as I do.

Now that that is taken care of, let’s get to your main issue- fear. There seems to be an element of fear on both sides at play, but we’re here to focus on you, not him. For one, you seem to be guilty of one of my cardinal sins here- rationalization. What’s that, you say?

Rationalization is the process of constructing a logical justification for a belief, decision, action or lack thereof that was originally arrived at through a different mental process. It is a defense mechanism in which unacceptable behaviors or feelings are explained in a rational or logical manner; this avoids the true explanation of the behavior or feeling in question.

To be SASSY is not to rationalize the behaviors of another, particularly a man, to try to get an answer that may be palatable to you. Just because an answer to a question, through a verbal or physical action or lack thereof, is not the one that you want does not negate that an answer was given. However, if he wants to discuss his fear, tell him to send me a letter and I’ll overanalyze him, too, with his permission. Back to you…

You seem to be afraid to ask for what you want. I’m going to hit you with a cliché- closed mouths don’t get fed. If you want to know something, you have to ask the question and then gauge the reaction/actions that follow! This applies in everyday life, but also when attempting to glean information from a man. In your case, you’ve been sitting around trying to rationalize why he does what he does- looking for clues. “He did _____, does this mean he likes me?” Well, unless you like spinning your wheels or you enjoy armchair psychology for fun, the easiest way to find the answer to this question is to simply ask, and then see if his actions match his words.

What are you afraid of? Rejection? An admission of mutual interest? What? You have known this man for several years it seems, and have developed a strong friendship. If based on nothing else, his answer should be honest due to that fact. Let’s analyze the possible answers:

• 1. He says “I’m flattered, but I’m not interested. I’d like to remain friends.” Well, no harm, no foul.
• 2. He says, “I’m flattered, but I’m not interested. Furthermore, I told you before that all my female friends end up liking me and so I think we’ve come to the end of the road.” In this scenario, you may have an awkward interaction or two, but in this situation, more often than not the friendship returns after brief strain. Worst case scenario, he no longer wants to be bothered. Well, that doesn’t leave you too far off from where you started 5 months ago, since you just reconnected.
• 3. He says, “I’m flattered, I’m interested as well, but aren’t you leaving soon?” This response allows you to set up any number of entertaining and fulfilling situations…from casual dating, to a few weeks/months of intimacy if that’s what you’re looking for, etc. As long as everyone is upfront with their wants and expectations, it should not be a problem.
• 4. He says, “I’m flattered, I’m interested as well…and I’m glad you said something.” You know the rest. You can go from there…

None of these answers are that bad, and if your friendship is as seemingly solid as you’ve lead me to believe, it shouldn’t be hard to regroup should the answer be one of the first two options. However, before you broach the subject with him, and while you get your nerve up, ask yourself a few questions. What are you going to do with this information once you receive it? Well, that depends on what you are *really* looking for. Point being…first, you need to identify (and be able to articulate) what you want from this man. Once you have figured that out, I would ask the necessary questions, and let this man know…but make no mistake, I would know what I had in mind before I even raise the topic. Think of it this way, if you put what you want into a realistic perspective and the proper context, you may find that the answer doesn’t matter, takes on greater significance or you could take it or leave it. That’s huge! So do that personal work first.

Lastly, while “The Bridges of Madison County” was a good book (and movie)… everyone was left with a sense of longing and ‘what if’ at the end. No one was happy, or even satisfied with their choice, just resolved to their circumstances. No sense in having that feeling when you don’t need to. Happy trails…

Bari

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Tagged as: relationships

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Bari