Ask Bari

Hi Bari,

I wanted some feedback on a situation and I thought I would ask you since you’re married and you seem to give your opinions straight up. I’ve been on a couple of dates with this guy. He’s older than me and so far has been a very nice person. I knew that he had been married (got married in ’97) but I found out this weekend that he’s not divorced. They have been legally separated for 4 years, in divorce proceedings for 2 years, and, from what he told me, everything should be done next month. They have mediation on March 19th and then if it’s not settled then they meet with a judge who will settle it on March 31st.

I was a little shocked when he told me and I’ve been going back and forth about whether or not to cut it off until the divorce is final. His wife doesn’t live here (she lives in AZ) so she’s not really in the picture much. They do have a child together so he speaks to her because of that.

What do you think? I’m from the school of thinking that until the divorce is final, you are still married, but I’m starting to rethink that. Do you see him as divorced? What would you recommend?

Thanks for your feedback!

Ms. “C”

So Ms. “C”…you’re in a situation with a married man and want to know how to proceed…

I say don’t proceed. It’s quite simple. This man is married- under the laws of God, church and man. There are too many good, single, available men out there that can tend to your needs and provide just as much companionship, if not more, because this man’s time is divided between his job, his family, his divorce proceedings and then you. Conventional wisdom on this topic is that it’s best not to get emotionally invested in a romantic sense until the other person has been *divorced* (as in final papers all signed up) for at least a year. More than that, let’s consider the secrecy. The fact that he was NOT forthcoming with this information from jump is extremely troubling to me.

Should you decide that isn’t what you want to hear, I would advise that you wait until the divorce proceedings are finalized and he is legally single. Though he may be mentally single, he is not legally single, and regardless of what he tells you, there is emotional baggage that comes with that. There is a LOT of emotional baggage that comes along with having that newly acquired legal status of “single,” even if he’s been separated for years. Something as simple as filling out a survey is now different- because he’s in a whole new category- divorced. A man that has recently separated or divorced his wife needs time to address the feelings of the marriage that has ended and where he goes on from there. Typically, they are going to be as emotionally confused and unavailable as you can get.

Also, keep in mind that a relationship with someone who just got out of something as serious as a marriage, and with children is going to be selfish in many ways. He is getting used to cooking alone, living alone, etc. However, this will really come into play particularly concerning conversation. He will most likely hit “the high points”- all the things his wife did to sabotage the relationship, how he feels it’s been so difficult for him, how the ex is keeping him from his kids and how she’s not a good mother. On the flipside, he could NOT discuss these things and put you in an odder situation- one of inferiority. If he does NOT discuss how she ruined this relationship and his life, then that will make you question why you are there and not her, or make you wonder how you can measure up. Regardless- the point is the conversations will be littered with HIS problems, HIS new life, and focus on him.

If you decide that you want to proceed, I would proceed with EXTREME caution… because there is clearly some reason as to why there is a holdup in their divorce proceedings, and why there is a two year period in the middle where there were NO proceedings going on, just a separation. Furthermore, he may not divulge to you what that holdup was, and it could still be a hindrance to any relationship he wants to start going forward. If you decide you want to give this a go, be prepared that you may be an “official rebound,” and prepare yourself for the “I’m confused, I need space, I want to date someone else, I think we should see other people” speech. Being up front and honest from the beginning is the only chance to keep that from happening.

I’ll tell you a story. I had a friend (we are no longer friends, you see), let’s call her “S” who got involved with a married man. This man was also separated, lived apart from his estranged wife, and they had a child. S decided that she would go out with this man regardless, though she figured that being separated was just a formality from being divorced. Well, S and this man began a full-fledged relationship, complete with sleep-overs while his daughter was around and unprotected sex. She ended up pregnant, and the man she was seeing went back to his wife even though he didn’t love her, because he figured that financially he couldn’t take the hit. Time passed, and he eventually DID leave his wife (after S sadly miscarried her child) for good and got a divorce. He began to rebuild his life, and once again pursed S, hoping she’d forgive him for abandoning her while pregnant, and want to make a legitimate go of a relationship. S and the guy are now happily together, cohabitating and are due a daughter any minute now. Now, that may sound like a happy ending, but you cannot negate all of the events that happened before they achieved that result. Ask yourself if you’re willing to go through something that grim. On the flipside, I think it’s safe to consider that the worst case scenario. However, the point of that sad story is that…until they are legally divorced, the man is still “married,” and going home to his wife is always a viable option.

Be wary of whatever you decide, because you may step into the shoes of wifey and may have lit up a “vacancy” sign for your old role behind you. Happy trails…

Bari

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Tagged as: advice, married men, relationships

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Bari