Dear Bari,
I’ve been seeing this guy for a few months now. We have an amazing sex life, but he never wants to go on dates – no movies, no dinner, nothing. I’m really feeling him but I wonder if we can be more. He said he doesn’t like “boyfriend responsibilities.” Is that code that he doesn’t want to be with me or do you think he’s just hurt from a past relationship and will eventually come around?
Hungry in NYC
Dear Hungry,
Humor me. What are you hungry for? A relationship with this individual who has done all but parade around you in a t-shirt that says “I Don’t Want You- Yes, YOU, Hungry?” I’m here to tell you something that you may already know, but seem reluctant to accept…he’s just not that into you. He is taking advantage of you, but with your permission. On some level I actually don’t fault this guy because he’s been honest from jump, so what else can you ask for?
The man quite obviously likes the perks of a relationship- casual sex, company at his convenience- but wants none of the responsibilities, like taking you on a real date, spending time with you in public, paying for a meal or at least some drinks.
It’s really quite simple. If you like someone, you’ll do what you need to do to be with them- IF you want to be with them. He doesn’t have to do anything for two reasons: (1) he doesn’t want to be exclusive with you and; (2) you haven’t required him to conform his behavior to your standards because you essentially reward him for treating you badly. In regards to the first point, the man has explicitly stated that he is not looking to take on “boyfriend responsibilities.” These responsibilities typically include caring about your feelings, being monogamous, taking you out in public, going on dates and spending quality time with you. Secondly, you cannot demand something from someone that you first do not demand from yourself. You are asking a man to respect you and you don’t appear to respect yourself, or give any credence to what he is telling you. He is taking advantage of you, and you are letting him. Well, hopefully that stops today.
Another problem I see here is that you are trying to psychoanalyze this man’s motivations for why he does what he does. However, that should not be your concern. This is a topic for another day, but it is something that I’d wager 80% of the female population is guilty of- rationalization. We try to rationalize WHY a man does what he does, to try and justify his actions and make it all okay. Well, it’s not okay. When someone shows you (and in your case also TELLS you) who they are, believe them! His motivations and his intentions do not matter. His actions are what are truly telling.
Lastly, you must realize, it’s not really about him at all. This is about you, and your self-worth. While I’m not a psychologist, I don’t think it’s inappropriate for me to tell you that maybe you should use this situation as a mirror. Use that mirror as an opportunity to do some self-reflection. What do YOU want? What do you need from a relationship? What would make a relationship fulfilling for you? If you can put the focus on yourself, and ask yourself the hard questions now, that can help your with future choices. It’s all about finding out what you can and cannot tolerate, and what is acceptable for you. This scenario is actually about whether you feel like you deserve better and decide to move on in order to receive that. I think you do, and I hope you do, too. Happy trails…
Bari
If you have questions for Bari, please email them to askbari@gmail.com.
{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
Guys perspective.
For men, relationships are about timing. Not the woman. Sounds harsh, but its true — keep in mind this is a generalization. But the argument goes as such, no matter how great the woman is, a man must explore the world, women, finish school, feel financially secure, etc. And until he’s had that “eureka” moment when he decides he’s ready, he probably won’t get into a monogamous relationship. But when he’s ready – watch out. Entirely different creature. We can get pushy about marriage, kids, the whole 9.
Some men have that moment earlier than others. Guys who worked after undergrad w/no intentions of grad school normally had that moment by 25. Grad school guys, after grad school. Some guys are so involved in their careers it won’t happen until much later.
What this man is telling you is, he hasn’t had his eureka moment. So he may like you and think you’re wonderful, but he’s not ready, and won’t be until some bigger picture items line up in his life.
If you are hungry for a relationship, then move on. If the sex is good and you’re ok with him not being exclusive then chill and enjoy.
As Bari said, we often try to rationalize what’s going on in the man’s head. It’s true, I do it all the time (I swear I’m trying to stop).
Thank you Jay for breaking it down for us. I must say, I’ve never heard that rationale before.
Thanks Jay! We essentially are providing the same candy, just in different colored wrappers.
Eva- that rationale is analogous to the “cab light on” story from Sex & the City. I’ve found it to be true, as well. That is another advice column for another day, though. lol
Thank you Jay! You are absolutely right. Luckily for me, I have 11 brothers to tell me how it goes. And even still I am guilty of occasional rationalizing. Women and Men just think differently. Sometimes we need to hear the mans point of view in order to change ours up a bit.
Thank you Jay! You are absolutely right. Luckily for me, I have 11 brothers to tell me how it goes. And even still I am guilty of occasional rationalizing. Women and Men just think differently. Sometimes we need to hear the mans point of view in order to change ours up a bit.
Wow Jay, those were words straight from my bestfriend’s ex-boyfriend’s mouth, lol. Its all about being real though. If you are willing to just settle for less because you are either in love or addicted to the momentary affection that a man may give you then, as Bari has pointed out, the problem lies within you. Its hard to hear, but its an important thing to realize, especially when the red flags are so prevelent that you could land a whole plane.
Keep up the good work!!
I really needed to read this guys. bari, this for your neverending wit and wisdom, Jay I also liked hearing things from a male point of view.
No. “I don’t want boyfriend responsiblities” is code for “thanks for being my jump-off the last few months, but you aren’t worth my investing time or money taking you on a date”.